I envy folks who have big groups of friends from college with whom they’re still very close. I have a lot of folks that I’m cool with, but only a small number of all the folks I’ve met and befriended during those formative years still hold a spot in my contacts currently. I’m an odd duck. I want to form long-lasting bonds with folks and have friendships that span decades, but when it comes to breaking down walls and revealing my true self to others…something happens.

I’m a friendship transient and I am terribly vexed at not being able to turn it off to actually forge friendships that mean something. Some have managed to slip through and stick around despite my weird ways, but relationships with others litter my past like carnage of days gone by. This makes me sound like a horrible person, but it’s not as if I just summarily dismiss folks from my life after some undetermined period of time.

I wasn’t always like this. Before*, I sought to maintain contact with folks by any means necessary. I wanted them to know they could call me and I’d be there no matter the time nor place. I’d overextend myself to accommodate others to ensure that they knew that if no one else was, I’d be the friend who had their back no matter what. Then I was burned by two folks who I considered to be my closest friends for seemingly no reason. We’ve since reconciled (well I have with one, the other I have no idea where she is), but the whole experience left me a bit wary.

I’m not one to trust easily, so I don’t like to reveal too much personal information that I would consider to be potentially damning or able to be used against me at a later date. This leads to superficiality reigning supremely in all relationships that I try to form no matter how much I want the opposite.

Lately I’ve been sitting around thinking about how to overcome this. I don’t want to keep fading or for friendships to keep drifting out to sea. I want to be able to have friends last for more than an extended season. A lot of it has to do with dispelling my belief that people often have ulterior motives for befriending me and/or just tolerate my presence.


* Before refers to a time that’s like pre-2001.

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