This too shall pass: Inspired of India Arie

My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears

This morning I woke up in a mood. I was unbearably sad for seemingly no reason. I had no desire to go to work. I just wanted to stay home and wallow in these feelings of self-pity, doubt, loathing, etc. Unfortunately, this is not an option as I would not like to use all of my PTO within the first couple months of the year. I was already taking a half day tomorrow anyway. I convinced myself to get out of bed & went about my morning toilette. I stopped a few times to wipe a few errant tears, but muddled through and prepared for work.

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

I get into my car and I am not feeling much better. The weather outside is crappy and it is reflected in my attitude for the day. The sky is overcast & so is my heart. It feels ridiculously heavy and I am sighing in defeat every few minutes. The morning show that usually gets me out of whatever funk I am in is utterly ridiculous and annoying today. The sound of the main host’s voice makes me want to kick puppies and squish kittens. I am not in the mood for any of it. I drive the rest of the commute in almost silence. I can still hear thoughts rattling around in my head. I resolve to go to work and do just that. Work all day. Talk to no one. Pray that 9 hours speed by.

My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain’t happening the way I want it
Feel like I’m about to break down
can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass

Yeah that doesn’t work. I get here and I just don’t want to be here. That half day for Friday? Has been reworked into a total mental health day. Turned on the Windows Media Player and put this song on repeat. Kicking it with the Veep & AE @ the Auto Show and Thomas’ party in Boyztown (we’re such hags lmao) later on? Not so much. I’m in this Debbie Downer mood and I don’t want to be around my friends feeling like this. I try to cancel plans with Veepy & AE, but they’re not having it at all. “You’re going, friend! You need to be around positivity to get you out of this funk!” “Yeah, besides, I learned how to make my booty clap like the strippers last night at this class I’m taking! I’ll teach you. Lift your spirits and your glutes!” I love my friends! I smile, laugh momentarily, but am still down in the dumps. Still listening to India on repeat.

All of a sudden I realized
That it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
This too shall pass…
I hear the angels whisper that trouble don’t have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper
This too shall pass

This above part comes on and it clicks within me like a lightbulb. Duh, Jeanette. . .this too shall pass. Why am I sad? Home life. Job shit. Man (or lack thereof) issues. Feeling unfulfilled. Lack of personal satisfaction. Lack of professional satisfaction. Weight control issues. Life just is too much. Do I let it defeat me? Do I get so overwhelmed that I am consumed with the negative parts of my life and let them take over? Or do I try to regain control over things I’ve let spin out of control while realzing that there are some things that are just beyond.

I get so fucking caught up in my own madness that I lose sight of what is important. Is my life that bad? No, not at all. It’s just not exactly what I want right now. I keep saying that I am going to change the things that I want to, but then I get lazy. Or bored. Or the fear sets in. What if I can’t do this? What if my dreams are too big? Who am I to think that I can do anything but what I am doing right now?

This quarterlife crisis shit is no joke. I need to be real with myself and decide what it is that I want out of life exactly & go for it. Saying it is MUCH easier than doing it. What’s the saying? “Don’t talk about it, be about it”, right? This has to become my life’s motto now. Along with this too shall pass. . .

3 Responses to “This too shall pass: Inspired of India Arie”

  • Shannon ♠ says:

    Okay so the whole, “I learned how to make my booty clap” part — laid me out. LMFAO!

  • BeeHappy says:

    Try to surround yourself with the best people in your book. Other things I do when I am down is name five things that I’m thankful for. I think you are such a witty and fun girl even though I don’t know you. I also prayed a lot about figuring out my life. I thought having a man in my life was supposed to define me as a person. I later learned that I’m really ok with being single and it’s a huge possibility that my life might be like this forever and I’m ok with that. I got to the point that I needed to ask myself what actually makes me happy which is photography and now I’m going to pursue my dream. I know this comment is a bit long winded but ask yourself what does make you happy. Oh and ps, I’m in a crappy situation with living as well. Life always has bumps in the road but you’ll get through it! Keep your head up girl!

  • jeanette nicole* says:

    Shannon: I was SO weak when she said that to me in email. I screamed out loud @ work.

    Meg: One of the things I am blessed with is a set of wonderful friends. Problem comes along when I feel like venting is burdening them. Thanks for the kind words! 🙂

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