Silencing my biological clock…

The title of this is a misnomer, honestly. I had a different path in mind when I began this entry, but my mind decided to go somewhere else with it. Too lazy to change the title, I stuck with the original one…sue me, heh.

I recently had dinner with two of my oldest friends, Veepy & C-Squared *waves @ her* bc she reads this sometimes). C revealed that she’s not NOT trying to have a baby with her significant other. This thrills me oh so much for a few reasons! A) She is one of my favorite people on Earth & I think she’d be a great mom. & 2) The prospect of being a “Te-te” is always makes me break out into my happy dance (aka the 1 legged butterfly).

Of course this leads to talk of children in general and when, if ever, myself & Veep would pump out some. Veepy says that if she doesn’t have them before 30, she isn’t having any at all. I told her this was ridiculous. Women are having babies well into their 30s & 40s, but she thinks that for her 30 is the end all be all. #girlbye I’ll continue trying to talk her out of this, haha. Clearly, she needs to have some bebes to be spoiled by Auntie J.

I’m not having kids. Yes, I am for real. No, I will not change my mind this time. No really, I won’t. No my future mate (yeah, okay) won’t be able to change my mindset on this. I’ll find a man who doesn’t want children biologically. If ever I get married/seriously booed up, I’d like to look into adoption as an option. No seriously, I won’t change my mind. I’m not willing to adopt if I remain single for the rest of my days, though. I’ll just be continue to spoil my little cousins, nieces, & nephews that are SURE to come from my huge family.

Honestly, motherhood scares the shit out of me. I fear it more than being touched by midget hands. I’m…ill-equipped. I’m really good at playing with children & buying them things that their parents refuse. When it comes to that whole maternal instinct thing? I’m seriously lacking. Not to say that I’d cause harm or allow a child to cause him/herself harm, but I’m just not very “mom-y”.

I visited with The Biffles (& the Twins) last weekend and I was just in awe of how much of a mom she is. She handles both of the girls w/ the ease of someone who has been a mother for years & not two months. She’s intuitive to the needs of her daughters and assuages their cries. Clearly it isn’t easy to adjust to taking care of not only yourself (& husband to a certain extent), and two additional beings. She does it seemingly effortlessly. I honestly don’t think I could do it. Bottom line, I just don’t feel like I would be a good mother.

While we’re on the subject (bc in my brain I can’t have children if it’s just me) I’m scared of everything that comes with being in a fully committed, monogamous relationship as well. Marriage scares the SHIT out of me. I can barely fathom being someone’s girlfriend without effing it up. I know I’ve talked here about wanting to be married before, but honestly I think I just want a wedding. I never think past the actual wedding ceremony/reception. After giving it some though recently, I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I’m too lazy to be a wife. I don’t like to clean, but I do it because I have to. I like to cook, but I’m a fan of quick recipes because too much time in the kitchen makes me break out into hives. Moms are supposed to teach their daughters how to be good wives, yes? My mom…didn’t really…um…yeah. I’ll just say I didn’t have good examples of how a marriage should work when I was growing up.

Though, I’m scared, the desire to get married & have children is burning bright within me. I think it’s the increased amount of friends and associates I see having babies and getting married that has me wishin’ & hopin’ & praying’ & dreamin’. Then the practical side of me chimes in with all of the things that I mentioned above & I snap back to reality. Some people aren’t cut out for marriage/children and I think I’m just one of those sort of people. Does it make me sad? At times, I can’t lie. It’s human nature to want close relationships, especially those of a romantic/familial nature. But, the risk of ruining someone’s life is too great. I can’t be held responsible for something so precious. I’d undoubtedly eff it up beyond all repair…

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