Release.

Last night I took a huge step. I finally got around to deleting a few people from my phone and myspace. *sigh* I feel so much lighter. Temptation to contact said people and engage in verbal sparring is sure to be at a minimum now. I can only pray now that now that I have decided to let it go entirely, these people will not choose this point in time to want to call me. I have been answering unrecognized numbers lately and I’d hate to get stuck in a conversation that I’d rather not have anytime soon. Anyway, that’s enough crypticness for now, so moving along. . .

Yesterday I twittered something on accident and I decided to just leave it be. No one pays attention to that little app anyway, so it’ll probably go unnoticed is what I thought. I didn’t count on me not being able to let it go though. Last night I sat up for a few hours after finally getting home and tried to remember the last honest-to-goodness happy birthday I’ve had. I couldn’t recall. All of my 20s birthdays have been the pits, as well as the late teens ones. My maternal grandfather died the night before my 11th (or maybe 12th, it’s fuzzy) birthday. I kept flipping back my mental Rolodex until I reached my 8th birthday. That was probably the last time I was genuinely happy on my birthday. It was pure. Nothing tainted it. No one made me feel worthless or insignificant (like on previous birthdays, but this is not that time nor place to go into that story). Not one solitary bad thing happened on that day. I wish I could have another birthday like that really soon.

Last night I just had a really rough night. I couldn’t sleep properly. I was feeling birthday blues and just all around crabby. You know how your birthday is supposed to feel like a special day? I felt none of that. I just felt like it was yet another day that I just had to get through. This morning I woke up feeling equally awful and didn’t want to really go to work, but I went anyway. So didn’t help my foul mood. In fact, made it even worse. At some point in the day I remembered that Cheryl sent me an e-card that I hadn’t been able to view because I was checking my email via my phone all weekend. I had to be all secret squirrelesque to try and view it, lest a higher up comes by my desk and see me on a non-DeVry approved website during working hours.

Don’t worry, I’m getting to the point. You know how I like my buildup. Anyway, so I saw the card, but I didn’t see the card. So just now, while still feeling pretty shitty, I decided to go look at the card again. I was laughing in the beginning because it was SUPER CUTE, but by the end I was bawling. Full disclosure, I’m still crying a bit right now. (Since my father’s gf is here I’ve been trying not to bother him, so you have no idea how hard it is for me to type this while trying to stay silently crying.) So at the end of the skit that played out the card said:

I hope you get everything you need.

So simple, yet powerful. No offense to others who have offered birthday wishes and such, but I felt like a lot of them were hollow. An echoing of expected jargon. Not genuine. An afterthought, in most cases. That simple sentence made me feel like someone actually cares.

So thank you friend. . .I hope I get what I need as well.

One Response to “Release.”

  • Lisa says:

    Sometimes words are left unsaid, when they really do need to be spoken/typed/whatever.

    So, I am letting you know that I DO care about you. I hate that you’re feeling sad, because I wish nothing but happiness for you (and all my friends).


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