Saving this for posterity.

Yesterday, The Veep and I were having a heart to heart via email. I’m putting this email that I sent to her here to remind me to keep striving to have this attitude.

Believe me when I say that I completely understand you when it comes to letting go and just blindly trusting someone to not completely maul your heart. That ish is hard. I know personally I look at my parents’ marriage and I think I don’t want that. I don’t want to be with someone, think I love them oh so much and it’s forever, and then have it fall apart like that. Then when you put kids in that situation it becomes even more F.U.B.A.R. (google it if you dunno what it means. It’s awesome! lol). Not to mention the resounding effects it has on the children. I often think that my thoughts on relationships and love would be completely different if I grew up in an environment where both of those were long lasting and less dramaful.

We need to fight that feeling though. Find someone who is worth taking the leap for and just free fall. If we hit the ground and get bruised, take it as a lesson learned, don’t become bitter and scorned. Believe in the sanctity of marriage. Bask in the positivity of true love. Live in the moment and just be. Light. Easy. Free. Loving fully without looking over our shoulder for something bad to happen or waiting for the other show to drop. Trusting another damaged (coz we all are) human being to hold the most fragile part of you in his grasp and not kill it. It’s so easy to say all of these things, but living them is another story. Every time I try to let go, my grip gets fiercer. I keep holding out, hoping & praying that I will meet the man who not only will try to pry my grip away from that hold, but will make me want to release it with no second thoughts. It’s the romantic in me. Sue me. LOL

a promise to be real.

i’ve been holding back a lot on this blog. i. . .i dunno, i just have not been feeling like sharing every. single. detail. of my life these days. or my true thoughts and feelings about situations that i’ve been going through. but the buck stops here today, so to speak. fuck it. this is my space. why shouldn’t i share everything? so this may be long. it will be rambley. but it will be honest. cut and dry (mostly). dramatic. perhaps even thought provoking. if you can’t handle me uncensored, then just leave and never return again. the poodles don’t want your oy. for everyone else, read on. . .

so yesterday i did a very bad thing, imo. let me rewind back to the beginning.

i’ve been abstaining from sex for the past 14 months on purpose. i felt the need to add that little caveat because although i complained my way through most of it, i really did pass on some opportunities in that time. mainly because i was trying to figure out some things that were going on within me. the exclusion of sex made the problems a bit more clear to see. it, in fact, somewhat maginified them. i was forced to look beyond and see a) what i really want out of life and 2) who i really want in life. i dug deep. came to epiphanies. then regressed. i didn’t want to come to terms with the real, so i just denied them. pretty much told myself i was only feeling like x because of y. cooking up rationalizations that made no damned sense.

so after cutting off a few people (read: dudes) in my life, i was doing all right. then, like i said the other day, i reconnected with one of the cast offs. a moment of weakness honestly and truly. i was having feelings of ambivalence about reconnecting, but then my libido overrode all rational thought and i did it anyway. right after i started back talking to this dude, i was like “do i really want to just be screwing someone? or do i want to be looking for someone with relationship potential?” as much as i want to be doing the second thought, i can’t help but go with the first one always. so what i do? jump right back into our little situation. flirt a little. send dirty texts. make plans to “hang out” when we know that’s just the polite way of saying when i call (or vice versa) it’s just about sex. nothing more, nothing less. i had to really stop and ask myself, is this fulfilling me right now? am i really just looking for someone to blow my back out and all will be right with the world? then of course, i tell myself, “well it’s not like you have anyone with potential to become your man in your life right now. why don’t you just gon ahead and get a piece of dude when you can and you’ll be good.”

i’m digressing though. so yes, i did a bad thing yesterday. i had sex with him. i shouldn’t say bad. because i mean the actual act was anything but. *reminsces like it wasn’t just yesterday* but the repercussions are bad. now i’m going to be insatiable. problem is i don’t want to come off like i’m hawking him. don’t want him for anything more than that. he’s going through some rough, personal things right now and i know i can’t bug him like i am going to want to. so i’m falling back. letting him call the shots and contact me when he’s ready to do whatever.

but then this makes me feel like a jump off. and a whore.because every time i hear “would you mind” (thanks janet!), i know it’s him, calling for it. this shouldn’t make me feel like a whore because i set the guidelines for our relationship, adamantly stressing that it’s nothing more than sex. we talk, but not deeply. he knows things, i know things, but the things we know about each other best, require no words. but i also have a complex about having sex for the sake of sex. which is oddly disturbing because of my views on sex in general. it’s also deeply rooted in. . .well i don’t have time to get into all of that right now. let’s just say that i just have conflicting emotions about it and leave it at that.

so here i am now. berating myself for sliding backwards (and forwards and backwards again! so nasty! :P) into this thing once again. i ended it before because i wanted more. not from him because well, he’s a nice guy, good dude, but not what i would want in a boyfriend/fiance/husband for myself. it is what it is between us and it works. for now. but not really because i’ll always be wanting more. such a paradox.

if i’m being honest with myself and you guys the fact of the matter is this. there is someone i want. in that way. more than sex. more than a friend. to be my man. forever and ever, amen. but! it cannot happen. reluctance on my part. indifference on his part. eternal power struggle betwixt us. i don’t want to give too much. he refuses to give at all. hell sometimes i wonder if he even cares. while he tries to convince me, in his roundabout way, that he does. i’m so unsure about the whole thing and I HATE THAT! i’m also sick of it. but i can’t get off the damn rollercoaster.

ugh. sometimes i hate myself for my indecisiveness. bottom line, i’m gonna continue to have guilt ridden sex with this dude for however long i decide i want this to go on. i’ll hate myself for it while simultaneously enjoying the hell out of myself. hmph, and i thought i’d know what it is i wanted by 26. nope. still searching. ever evolving.

work. in. progress. . .

Interracial dating. . .and a question.

This is a post from my old blog that I’m throwing up until I come up with some fresh material. So if you start reading and think, “Whoa this sounds familiar”, no it’s not dejavu.

So I was listening to the radio this morning. . .not DreX, I flipped over to Eddie, Jobo, and Erica on B96. First of all, let me say, did they really think that adding Erica was going to make them better than the Drex crew? Mel T. trumps Erica any day, lol. That just bored about all 3 of you who read this and don’t listen to Chicago radio. This morning’s topic was interracial dating and whether or not it was still taboo in Chicago in 2007. Some of the replies were ridiculous. Erica, being a Black woman married to a White man, made some good points though. This one Black chick was killing me though. Talking about she saw a Black man/White woman combo and the woman was throwing the fact that she (the white woman) was with a Black man in her (the black woman) face because they were kissing in public. How about they probably didn’t even care who the hell was looking and were just really into PDA? I doubt the thought ever crossed that woman’s mind. Get over yourself, goodbye lady! Ugh, I hate when people project. I’m digressing though. Listening to their discourse made me think about my own (semi-hypocritical, in some cases) views on interracial dating.

Let me preface this by saying that I am totally biased. Yes, you read that right. I’m a bigoted prick and proud of it. I don’t know it if’s as much bigotry as much as a general contempt for humankind, but yes. I equally discriminate against all people. The thing that irritates me immensely is when people say is that they ONLY date [insert race that’s more than likely NOT their own here]. E.g.: A White woman called into the show saying that when White men approach her, she tells them that she only dates Black men and gets called names. *sigh* Of course you do, lady! You’ve just backed yourself into a corner that you shouldn’t even have to be in in the first place! Okay…having a preference is fine. Lord knows I have a few preferences myself. I’m a heightist. I don’t date short boys. But I don’t go around saying, “I only date guys who are 5’8” or taller!” If you’re not interested, just tell them that. You don’t need to wave a banner that says, “I only date so and so.” That isn’t their business. All they need to know is that you don’t want to date them. You put yourself in that awkward situation when you unnecessarily advertise your preferences.

Along these same lines, I cannot stand for someone to say that do not date within their own race. That’s just stupid. I don’t like Black men because one Black man did me dirty. I don’t like White women because one White woman whored around on me. I don’t like Mexican men because they’re too controlling. I don’t like Indian men because they have small peens (LMFAO that was just for My Meera). Generalizations and stereotypes are no fun, my friends. Not every person who fits a general category is the same. My family is living proof that not all Black women are the same, shoot. We run the gamut when it comes to spousal choices, music tastes, careers, etc.

Most people don’t like to be typecast, so why do it to others? While you’re narrowing your scope, you could miss out on the love of your life and not even realize it. Dummy.

I’ve never dated outside my race. I’ve drunkenly made out with White and Latino guys (‘sup North Beach and Bootleggers), but that’s about it. Not that I’m not attracted or won’t date outside my race, just haven’t found any that I’ve considered (I don’t want to say this word, but no other comes to mind) worthy of getting involved with. You’d think that after the tribulations that I’ve had with Black men that I’d say eff it and never date another one again, but I don’t believe in stifling myself. The truth of the matter is this, love has no color.

Our society is so hung up on race/ethnicity/skin color that we forget what’s important. Having respect for your fellow man/woman and treating every one equally. There is no way that we should still be having this racial discourse nearly 300 years after slavery. People like to comment on how much progress we’ve made in our society, but the fact of the matter is that we haven’t made much progress at all. There’s still racism at the core. In most cases, it’s just more covert. I will admit, sometimes when I see a fine Brotha with a White girl on his arm, I’m like “damn…another one gone”. Then I have to check myself and realize that no matter what I think, they’re together because they enjoy one another’s company. Stop hatin’.

Another thing about the discussion interracial dating that always amazes me is that it is always limited to Black/White. Mainstream society seems to forget that we have other ethnic groups mixing as well. Judging from the tales I’ve heard from people of these other ethnicities, they have just a hard time as the Whites and Blacks. Anytime race is being discussed in this country, we tend to focus solely on just Whites and Blacks. We tend to forget that there are other minorities being discriminated against as well. That irks me to no end. That’s another discussion for another day though.

***

Riddle me this, have you ever met a person to whom you were instantly drawn or turned off by? Not solely in a romantic sense either. Like there was just something about the person that either made you want to a)know more or 2) go running for the hills? If so, can you describe what exactly it was that you felt?

Some things I’ve been thinking about. . .

Has there ever been one person who you just cannot get out of your mind? You could go without seeing or talking to this person for a great while, but thoughts of him/her linger in the back of your mind regardless? It’s amazingly frustrating is what it is, haha. It’s also forcing me to come to terms with something that I have been refusing to come to terms with. *sigh* I’m being incredibly vague right now because y’all don’t need to know everything that’s going on unless you’re privy. Very few are. And it isn’t always those who think that they are. 🙂 I’m backwards like that. I share less with those closer to me. Just ask the BFF.

I’m trying to find a church. My sister and I were speaking about this yesterday during her visit. We both want to go to the same type of church. Problem is that it doesn’t seem to exist, lol. It has to be Baptist, but we can’t be in there all day. Not tryna get into it with praise dancing and all of the other extracurricular business. Give me an A selection, B selection, Sermon, & ONE offering and I’m good. Actually, I’m more than good. I’m good squared. 🙂 So I’m gonna ask around and see if I can find any nonfanatical churches in my area. Wish me luck!

So there’s this dude, right? Naaaaah, nevermind. Moving on. . .

I’ve begun working out, but it came to a crashing halt this week as Aunt Flo left me incapacitated for the last few days. I’m going to get my tail back in there today though. At least half an hour. We’ve started a Biggest Loser contest at my job, so I can’t be off my game. Gotta drop the LBs, son! 🙂 Plus I gotta be freekum dress ready in exactly 107 days. That’s not a lot of time. Ideally I’d love to lose about 50 pounds by the end of summer, with 35-40 of them happening before my birthday. I’ll keep you posted.

Just in case you didn’t catch it before, that dude. . .he’s the one on my mind.

Speaking of my birthday (like that segue?), I think I want to take a vacation by myself. Like for serious. I am torn between being totally alone and going somewhere that no one I know lives or just travelling alone to a friend’s location. I’m highly contemplating the second one because it’d be more fun. You know about my inability to do things alone, lol.

Ok, the white elephant in the room. Long story short. I thought I’d be able to not go into it, but I can’t. So there’s this dude. I think I may (read: like totally, fer sure) have feelings for said dude, but don’t exactly want to allow myself to act upon or even acknowledge said feelings. Mainly because I’m most certain that they are not mutual. Which kinda hurts my heart & soul more than I want to allow myself to believe. Tru fax. Anyway. Unfortunately for me, things aren’t that cut and dry, so yes. I’m pining, betches. I feel like I’m back in high school struggling with my mondo crush on NH (who could probably still get it if I’m being honest). ::le sigh::

All right, I’m off to watch Women’s Murder Club and pretend like I’m working! 🙂 I ♥ my job!

Randomsity before brunch with the ladies. . .

Myself and mi amigas cheetahs (Cheryl and Trina) are doing Drury Lane today. I’m so excited. And also, fat, lol. Annnnnyway, that’s not why I logged in right quick, though.

Last night I went with Trina to B***** & F****’s place for F****’s birthday party. There were a few people there from their job as well as the birthday guy’s other friends. Well one of the dudes they worked with brought his brother along for the ride as well. HE WOULD NOT STOP TALKING TO ME! I was getting fairly annoyed because he sat his ass right in front of me while I’m tryna watching the Jazz/Rockets game. “You’re not watching this game. Girls don’t like basketball.” Actually, I do dipshit. I happen to LOVE basketball. Then he proceeded to quiz me like I really don’t know shit about ball. Joey woulda been proud of me, lol. The highlight og the night was this exchange though:

Him: So you’ll give me your number?
Me: I’ll think about it.
Him: What you gotta think about? A woman knows when she meets a man right off top whether or not she’s interested.
Me: (in my head Duh muthafuka, don’t you get the hint? I’m tryna be nice by saying I’ll think about it!) I’m not like most women. Like I said I’ll think about it.
Him: Well don’t think about it too hard. I’m not used to this shit.
Me: What? I’m supposed to jump at the chance to throw you my number. No. We don’t do that here.
Him: You picky ain’t you?
Me: Extremely so.
(moments pass. watching the game.)
Him: You know I was just playin’, right? Man, I’m 30 years old. (Guess he thought I was young bc I said I graduated college in 2006). I got a girl a home with a baby on the way. And I got a baby at home.
Me: Oh that’s what’s up. When’s your girl due? (I don’t think he was expecting that question.)
Him: Yeah, you know I was just tryna see where your head is at. You’re a beautiful Black sista and I wanted to see where your head was at.
Me: Mmmmmhmmm. Thank you. How old is your baby?
Him: You got your shit together, huh? *turns back to watch the game*

You peep that shit? You see how this n-word (I’m tryna but down on my usage of that word) flipped script to save face? Ridiculous. Not to mention, clammed the hell up when I asked about that baby or should I say those babies! And I’m not even going to go into how this mofu tried to convince me that I’ve dated white guys because I live in Bensenville (false. Only drunkenly made out with one, lmao) and how he spilled beer on B.Fo’s rug and got blasted by her. LOL!

This shit right here? It’s why I’m single with no prospects. Because every time I meet some guy randomly, this happens. If you’ll notice, every guy I’ve ever hooked up with regularly or dated has been a friend of mine first. I don’t do well with just meeting guys who I actually click with and immediately getting romantical, lol. I have to build. I’m sensing a problem. *sigh*

Perfect career alternatives for me. . .

Truck Driver: This one may make you shake your heads, like wtf is she on? It’s in my blood, son! My maternal grandfather was a truck driver and I love driving. Just ask anyone who knows me. I enjoy taking road trips very much. Heck, on my drive back from California I did the lion’s share of the driving and was grooving right along. The only potential downfall to this job is that I can see myself getting bored about 6 hours or so and stopping. Then my trips would always be late and they’d probably fire me. Another downside is that I’m sort of (read: VERY) afraid of semis.

Book Reviewer: I love to read. I love to give my opinion on things. So combining two things I love to give my opinion on things I read is like Nirvana (not the grunge band) to me. Undoubtedly, I’d have some authors who would want to put a hit on me. Namely those who write what is lovingly referred to as Nigglature. You know those books that are like those traveling Gospel plays that star at least one washed up 80s one hit wonder and random TV stars from the 70s and 80s. “Mama Done Spilt the Chicken Grease” or “Baby’s Daddy Other Baby Mama Drama”. Hot mess all around. Actually, I probably wouldn’t be able to get through a reading of any of those books. The covers even offend me.

Travel Agent: I like traveling. A theme is emerging here. These dream jobs actually involve me doing something I like, image that! Anyway, as I said I like traveling. I could so see myself planning vacations for others. I’d be a hit in the tourism community finding off the beaten path type vacation settings for people. I know there have to be others like me out there who are not into the touristy side of travel. I could so hook them up!

Tech Support Rep: Hell, half of my family already thinks this is what I am. If I get another call asking me to troubleshoot a problem on a computer I might scream. BUT! It’s true, I do like working with computers. Thanks to my dad I know a little somethin’ somethin’ bout them.  Plus, I like helping people. This job could never become a reality though because all of the tech support jobs are outsourced. Don’t even get me started on that one though, that’s another blog for another day. *Michael from HP with the HEAVY Bengali accent I’m looking at you*

Editor: Let me preface this by saying that I am not one of those annoying people who feels the need to take out her red pen and bludgeon everyone to death with corrections. I do, however, cringe and silently correct lol. I don’t claim to be the end all, be all, go-to person for grammar. I write run on sentences and have comma splices like whoa. I totally could, however, read someone else’s writing and help with clarity, typos, and grammar issues. I’m good at that. When it’s not my writing! D’oh!

Children’s Book Author: Of course I would have to stop dropping f-bombs here, there, and everywhere and I think I’d excel at being a children’s book writer. I’ve got a built-in focus group with the thousands of children in my family. I am on the pulse of what the young folks these days are interested in. It’s formulaic drivel that has a hook. I could do this in my sleep. I mean, my writing is juvenile enough to connect with the youth of today, yes? 🙂

Professional Blogger: If Perez Hilton can make $20M a year drawing jizz & coke on people’s faces, surely I could succeed, yes?

Sommelier: aka Wine connoisseur. I like wine. Wine likes me. I don’t know how to tell if it has legs or any of the other technical jargon that the other connoisseurs do, but I’ve seen Sideways enough times to fake it! Granted, I am possibly rethinking this one because they do not get to enjoy the wine. I’m not into swishing and spitting with my ‘hol.

There are more, but time only permits me to give you these few. Now I am off to be productive and do some of this work that they are paying me for! 🙂

“This here celibacy thaaaannnnnggggg. . .”

Word up to Jill Scott for the inspiration for the post title. If I had not misplaced my Words and Sounds Vol.3: The Real Thing, I would most certainly be playing the hell out of Jill’s “Celibacy Blues”. Baby, have I got them! HAHA! I think my friends are going totally start boycotting phone calls and text messages and emails from me if I don’t stop talking about it.

The simple fact is this. I (stupidly) pledged myself to celibacy pending the acquisition of a boyfriend. I love how I refer to it as if it is a business transaction, haha! I then promptly decided to go underground, off the social map, therefore decreasing my chances of meeting said boyfriend. Yeah, I’m some kinda smart, aren’t I? I basically set myself up for failure, ya dig?

As of Sunday it was exactly 12 months. Amazing that I had no idea that it would be the last seks EVAR, but I remember the date. Mainly because it is someone I know’s birthday, lol. Not the person with whom I had seks, but someone else. Oddly enough his birthday is on Valendooms Day. I digress, as usual. Anyway, so the other day I was talking with a guy friend and I asked him what’s the longest he’s gone without. He said 7 months. I was all, “That’s nothing!” Knowing fully well that when it was around 7 months for me, I felt like I was dying, lol.

This is the problem with me. Whenever I get something good, I need it all the time. I will wear out a song, restaurant, and anything else that I deem to be the best evar (at that point in time). It takes a lot for me to tire of it, if it’s that good. And it was. Actually, probably even better since I can only seem to recall the last time which was sub par.

Point is, I have an addictive personality. This is why I don’t toke and have to really control myself when it comes to drinking. I come from a family of addicts. I don’t care what anyone says, some of that is biological. Especially when you look at the statistics of my family, which I will not run down right now. I’ll just say that on both sides there were too many people with addiction problems that spanned generations. I don’t want to end up a statistic.

This is my dilemma though. Do I continue on this self-imposed celibacy world tour or not? I really meant it when I said that I didn’t want to be screwing dudes all willy nilly, but a girl has needs as well. I’m so torn like LeToya Luckett. In the end, I’m sure you’ll hear more about my issue. I don’t think it’d be within me to just do it for the sake of doing it.

Something that pissed me off. . .

Yes, it’s a real post. I know there hasn’t been many of those in the past few days. I’ve been meaning to sit down and actually write something of substance, but I just can’t lately. Yesterday though, I had a conversation that pissed me off so much that I’m still thinking about it today. This person said two things that really irked the hell out of me.

The first was “People who don’t have anyone [romantically] should not give advice to those who do.” First off, that doesn’t make any kid of sense to me. So you’re insinuating that because I’m single right now I have no way of knowing anything about relationships at all and if asked, I should not offer my opinion based on my own experience? Oh shut the fuck up. I’m not the type of person to intentionally throw shade or “hate” on a person because he/she is in a relationship. Nor am I the type of person who believes that every relationship is the same. BUT, if I can offer perspective based on something I have experienced and I believe that it will help the person who sought me out for advice, then you’d best believe that I will throw my $.02 in. Don’t fucking tell me that I don’t have the right to say anything just because I’m not fucking someone on a consistent basis at this current moment in time. How stupid do you sound?

The second thing she said was that “Women are too busy trying to be men and that’s why so many are single.” Again, fuck off you. I’m not a hardcore feminist, but women who think like this piss me the fuck off. First of all, wtf is “acting like a man”? Is it like “acting Black”? I’m sorry (actually NO I AM NOT), but if being able to take care of oneself and having no problem expressing that makes me “act like a man”, then so be it. I’m just missing the ability to pee standing up. *rolls eyes*

I fought against myself so many times to keep from saying “Are you fucking stupid or are you just saying these things to rile me?” I’m going with the former.