I can’t sleep so instead I’m choosing to take the time to blog. This will likely be rambley and very stream of conscious. So…like every other blog entry in this space, lol.
I recently had to make a pretty tough decision and I’ve been beating myself up about it. You see, I’m a pretty ambitious girl. When I put my mind to something, I doggedly pursue until I’ve attained it. Having to switch things up and slow my timeline down for this thing is really fucking with me. I feel like a failure even though I’m still progressing through to obtain my degree. It’s a weird space to be in. I feel like I’m doing so much (full-time work, full-time school, being an authorpersonlady, and making time for regular social obligations with friends & family), but at the same time I also feel like I’m doing nothing at all.
It feels like I’m in a holding pattern and I’m ready for it to let up. I’m feeling anxious to know what’s next. I’m growing increasingly bored in my professional life and am yearning for something better, something bigger, something wider, something higher. Hence, the whole getting my Masters thing. But…my timeline for finishing that and applying for jobs that it will bring has been shifted and it’s got me bothered.
I just feel like I’ve…dropped the ball somewhere. I shouldn’t feel like two classes concurrently is drowning, but this is my current state of mind. Likely retaining little from either course as I struggle to balance the reading, discussion boards, short paper, larger milestone projects and journal entries. Feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest every Thursday and Sunday evening despite spending all of the other days of the scrambling to cobble together the work to turn in. Barely able to focus. Second guessing my dedication to my chosen career path because of that lack of focus. All because I am stretched too thin, but too damn prideful to admit it.
Instead of being good to myself and allowing space for quiet moments of reflection, I’m into cramming as much in as possible because OMG35isloomingandistillhavejustajobandnotacareerandnobabiesorhusbandtoblameformywackassprofessionalposition. Because the skeletal outline of my life that I crafted a mere five years ago has been broken down and reconstructed so many times in that period that I just feel like I’m never going to get there…
And where is there? That’s a very good question. Because the there keeps shifting and though I try to act like it’s a constant, it isn’t. I’ve checked off quite a few items on my various goals lists, but they’re inconsequential now. Meaningless drops in the bucket of life that have blended in with all of the rest of the stagnant water.
Man, I want a refund on this adulting shit.