This is not a think piece. This is a fangirl piece mixed with a bit of personal reflection, resignation, hopefulness, doubt, dread, apprehension, hope and more fangirling.

So unless you’ve been completely out of it, you’ll know that my personal favorite all around entertainer Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter took over HBO last night with a project called Lemonade. Prior to its start, none of us knew what this was going to be. A movie? Her and Blue sipping many flavors of lemonade for an hour? Didn’t know, didn’t care, just knew that she had told me to be looking at the television machine on that Saturday evening so I sat my ass in front the television screen that Saturday evening.

(I’d like to pause and say I have ZERO problem following directives from my faves that don’t involve me directly harming myself or others. Some people think that this is following or blindly pledging ones life to a celebrity, but honestly, it’s more about the trust that I have in them to never let me down and give me some shit that I want/need/desire. I have [mostly] really discerning tastes when it comes to those for whom I will blindly drop everything.)

I wasn’t home, so I wasn’t certain what my viewing experience would even hold as my family isn’t one to sit there and quietly view anything. In the hours leading up, we watched two films together that were playing on HBO–San Andreas and Jurassic World. I cannot put the onus of being not shutupable on my family because I asked 5012 questions through the viewing of both of these films. I was really concerned that everyone was going to die and I didn’t want to be in a somber mood before The Yoncé came through and snatched my lil fledgling edges.

Anyway. I digress. Eventually the hour of Lemonade was upon us and I said to everyone in the room “Y’all are at a ten and I need you to be at about a one, so I can pick up what she’s putting down.” But alas, much like in every other sector of my life, folks did what the hell they wanted to do anyway. So between a steady stream of chatter and a few entrances into my cousin’s house that interrupted my viewing, I watched. I was amazed by the cinematography. Blown away by the interstitial poems woven betwixt songs. Moved to tears at the appearance of Sybrina Fulton and Lezley McSpadden. Amused at the bat named hot sauce. Validated in my theory when I saw Jay caressing his wife’s ankles (dude seriously has a thing for her calf/ankle situation).

But it wasn’t until I was home and watching LEMONADE alone in its entirety that I had a startling epiphany. Well, I’m not so much sure it is an epiphany as much as a wake up call? Anyway…in the second to last song of the album, Beyoncé scrings “Hey! I’ma keep running/ Coz a winner don’t quit on themselves” and it was like she punched me in my fucking chest.

There hasn’t been a real blog here in a few weeks. I could lie to y’all and say it is because I’ve been busy with school and pressing social engagements, but that’s not the entirety of the truth. While that is a partial reason, I’ve honestly just not been writing. It’s a cyclical thing with me. I get gung-ho about my abilities and feel invincible. I make all sorts of promises to myself and others about how this time I’m really in it to win it and they should be getting ready to get on the winning team.

But undoubtedly, the niggling feelings of self-doubt creep in and I allow them to overcome all of that tenacious spirit that ruled previously. I’m overcome with “no one reads, no one cares, you’re a hack, burn your pages & pen…” and I quit. I simply lie down, give in to defeat. I quit on my goddamn self.

So that line in particular resonates with me as I sit in front of a blank screen with cursor taunting, the need to write niggling away at me. I said that I was going to write fearlessly without censorship, but I haven’t done that. I still shutter parts of myself and my feelings for fear of how my thoughts or I will be perceived. But this morning I read an amazing piece of writing by my friend Synitta. In it she is pure, honest, unfitted, vulnerable and raw. And it resonates. Despite not having personally experienced the emotions she talks about in the piece it still pierced me, deeply.

And that’s what I want to do. I want to write things that move people, shift emotion, evoke feelings, better society and most importantly, help me grow. To do that though, I have to stop giving up on myself. Unlearning this behavior is going to be hard, but I’m going to do my damnedest to do it. You know why?

Coz I’m a winner damnit!

One Response to “On LEMONADE”

  • Jenny Rae says:

    You have a voice, a unique talent no one else can claim to possess. So spread those wings, shout your message from the rooftop because damnit, the world needs to hear what you have to say!

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