A few days ago two friends on Facebook asked questions that really piqued my interest. And if you know me you’ll know I rarely meet an inquiry that I don’t like to answer, so of course I had to weigh in. Neither question posed was related to the other, but they both had a common ground for me, which was an area of growth.
I’ve been on a long journey of self-discovery and getting to happy. And y’all…I won’t lie, it has been HARD. I’d say about five to seven years ago I had been in a place that I can now say was probably a deeply depressive state. I was apathetic to a lot in life, only allowing myself to show depth of emotion in times of extreme duress. Rarely openly or outwardly, I bottled my emotions until they were compressed too tight and they had no choice but to explode. This compartmentalization led to an internal turmoil that was ongoing until I decided to do the work and figure out a few things about my life and what I would do to change them. I had to make the decision to live and not exist. To be an active participant in my life who seeks out challenges, searches for and finds her purpose, and…most importantly, chooses to embrace the setbacks, pitfalls and generally shitty parts of life while gleaning a lesson.
And I know I sound very self help book right now, but it was a necessary work. Because the person that I used to be was terrible. She was a stewing pot of misery, jealousy, resentment, anger and discontentment. She blamed everyone but herself for the reasons she wasn’t flourishing or living her best life. She thought it was simply bc the universe was delivering some sort of karmic retribution for…hell, I don’t even know because honestly? I’d done nothing even worth a universal wide conspiracy to be levied upon me. But that HAD to be the reason because it was simplest. And it allowed me to shirk personal responsibility for my actions and the path that I’d chosen.
I wish I could say I remember what the catalyst was, but my memory is trash, y’all. I barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday. LOL. But I digress…at some point I decided that I needed to get better, be better and do better. I wasn’t an asset to anyone around me. I was a low-key succubus. Feeding on their positive energy to fuel my negative nature and keep me stewing about how life refused to cut me some slack. About two and a half years ago I started doing the real work. I did a lot of journaling and reading and praying. And took a lot of alone time. I questioned myself about what I wanted/needed/desired out of life and how I was going to get what I wanted/needed/desired. And then I enacted changes…incrementally because there was still a small part of me that believed no matter how many changes I made nothing would come to fruition.
It’s been hard but goddamn sitting on the otherwise of it now? It feels so goddamn good. To not be constantly bombarded by feelings of insecurity and insignificance. To not be violently jealous of every win someone around me obtains. To not seethe with envy at every turn. To be genuinely ecstatic when people around me conquer their goals, obtain a win or are just feeling good for the sake of. To know how unmitigated joy feels. To have a purpose and a path and a plan. To see the manifestations of my positive energy in the world is a feeling that is unmatched.
I don’t know why this was on my heart to blog about today, but I’ve been mulling it over for a few days and was awakened out of my sleep thinking about it in the wee hours of this morning. I’m just feeling really overwhelmed with gratitude for continuous growth and knowing that even if I don’t get things right the first time, I have abundant opportunities for revision and learning and more growth.