I’ve been going back and forth over whether or not to post this. I have been in a semi-well disguised funk for the past week or so. I’ve never had a good self-image. I’ve never thought of myself as pretty, cute, beautiful, attractive, or any of the other synonyms used for aesthetically pleasing people. That’s not to say that I think of myself as carrying an ogre like ugliness either. I am just a’ight. Average. Nothing to write home about, you know?
A few months ago, I posted a picture of myself on my myspace with the caption “I need to get back to this size”. One of my “friends” (myspace’s characterization. I’d merely call her an old classmate/passing acquaintance) just recently commented on this picture. “WOULDN’T HURT YOUNG LADY OR LOOK TO [sic] BAD AT ALL YOU KNOW… I’M JUST SAYING MISSY… I AGREE HEE-HEE.” Hee hee hell. I was incensed by her comment. The “young lady” & “missy” crap irritated the hell out of me. We’re the same age, hon, so it’s very condescending. However, I am known to be dramatic, so I figured I may have been overreacting. I ran it by Dani and she pretty much had the same reaction as me. The person who left this comment was a bigger girl who recently lost a LOT of weight. I would think she would be a bit more sensitive. Nothing was that bad about what she said, but it was the manner in which I interpreted it. Furthermore, it’s not like she is within my inner circle. We don’t even talk on a regular basis. I’d go for one of my friends telling me to back up from the pound cake before someone who is damn near a stranger, you know?
Right now, I am struggling with my weight. I am fat (by my standards) and I absolutely LOATHE it. This is a new challenge for me as I’ve usually been at a comfortable size for me, usually between a size 7/8 and 9/10(I am blessed with a nice sized bum & child bearing hips, so when I was in 5/6 it looked rather odd, lol). I’m now pushing 12s and knocking at 14’s door. Quite frankly it’s killing my self-worth even more. So I’ve started back working out. I fell off the workout wagon for a while and it definitely shows. I’ve got rolls and back fat and be wheezing after going up three flights of stairs! MAMA NO!
Obviously, I realize that getting older definitely aids in these extra lbs that refuse to go away. Metabolism is not what it used to be. Stamina is damn near depleted. I’m vowing to stop this insanity (‘sup Susan Powter) right now. This winter I will make sure that $50/month that Bally’s is getting from me will be worth my while. Gotta stop being so lazy and cook meals. Fast food will be the death of me, I swear it. I need a total makeover. Mind, body, & spirit. Work on the inside and outside simultaneously in order to achieve peace of mind. Get out of this funk and take my life back.
It is not going to be easy though. I keep hearing that voice of doubt in my head telling me that what I am spewing right now is malarkey. I’ll just end up right back where I am now. Fat & unhappy. I have to learn to quash that voice. Surround myself with positive energy. Put out positive vibes so that I may receive them back tenfold. Wish me luck as I go on this journey, coz I’mma damn sure need it!