My paternal grandmother’s birthday is today. She is my only living grandparent and she is ninety-one years old today. My daddy went to go visit his mama for her birthday and sent me a video of her. In it, he’s coaching her through what to say.

because she no longer has the words in her brain automatically anymore. The dementia has ravaged her brain to a point of damn near non-recognition.

& God it sounds so selfish to say this but, I can’t handle it. I honestly can’t. I haven’t seen my grandmother in years because the blank look behind her gaze, the lack of even the slightest spark of recognition in her gaze is painful.

it hurts so badly because even though physically she is here with us, so much of what makes her her is gone.

I go back and forth between feelings of immense guilt and even deeper sadness because I don’t know how to communicate with who she is now. And it frustrates me because I pride myself on words being the one thing that I always get right but not in this case.

anyway, lemme go call my granny, have her not know who I am until i tell her at least three times in our conversation and hope this malaise I’m currently feeling finds a new home.

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