Losing myself…

Alternately titled Why I Need a New Job…

Yesterday afternoon I had an interview. *starts ticker tape parade* I do not think that I was the person that they are looking for, but I am confident that I presented my best self. This was the first time I’ve left an interview and not felt weighed down. I will be excited for the opportunity if I am chosen, but I do not think I have it in the bag. I am okay with that though.

I learned of this interview early last week and put in time off accordingly. As of yesterday morning, my time off still had not been approved. My Team Lead “didn’t see” the request, but we got it taken care of and approved. Shortly before my departure, I told my senior that I was leaving early for the day. She badgered me with tons of questions asking where I was going and why. I politely told her that I didn’t have to answer those questions and I hoped she had a nice day. She has absolutely no authority, yet she questioned my right to use my time as I saw fit. All because it would have ended in her having to actually do a few more pieces of work (or so I thought. They didn’t do ANYTHING when I left yesterday).

For the past few months, I have been noticing some funny behavior from the superiors on my team. I am not sure whether it is a power trip or a complete disregard for the value of their employees, but either way I am not impressed. They constantly talk down to people and try to assert their authority in ways which are not productive or conducive to a satisfactory work environment. In the past few months I have been questioned about the usage of my PTO, told I was “too hard to please”, and basically told to look for other means of employment since I can’t be satisfied in my current position. I find all of the above a bit ridiculous. You would think someone asking for work to do would be given….oh I dunno…WORK TO DO…instead of smart/sarcastic remarks. I am not content with coming to work, doing 2 hours of real work, and spending the rest of the time on blogger/facebook/twitter. There is only so much internet surfing one can do before it becomes dangerous.

It seems like the only way to get ahead is to plant oneself in the crack of your superior’s posterior. MEH…NOTSOMUCH. I like to think that my work should speak for itself. In the time that I’ve been in my position (nearly 2 years), I have taken each task handed to me with gusto. I’ve helped create training implementation that lead to greater efficiency. I’ve not only learned, but I’ve been called to train people in every phase of our cross-training pilots…even in processes that I’ve only assumed within the last two months. I come in every day , on time, do my work, without complaint (even though I could). I have done countless “special projects” (including editing a course catalog for a new school under our corporation’s umbrella).

I feel like all of my work has been for naught. I feel trapped in my current position. I do not believe that I am going anywhere at [company name redacted]. Not because I don’t have faith in myself, but I am not one for butt kissing. So I am taking the advice of my manager (who blocked me from an internal position I wanted to pursue) and seeking alternative means of employment. I am hoping that yesterday’s interview was a step in the right direction. If not, then I hope others come along and soon. As it stand right now, I feel like I am in quicksand. Sinkly slowly, almost not noticably because I’ve grown content.

I don’t like what I am becoming as a result of this position. When I first started with the company, I had no complaints. I readily recommended people to apply for positions here because I was that HAPPY. Now? Notsomuch. I dread coming in here every morning. People who I might have liked under other circumstances have increasingly started to annoy me. I’m becoming withdrawn not only in my professional life, but in my personal life as well. I put on facades every day because I don’t want to be Maggie Misery. I don’t feel like I can be myself because I don’t know who I am anymore.

When something starts affecting you that deeply, in my opinion, it’s time to move on. So that’s what I’m trying to do. Now if only the employment world would agree with me…

5 Responses to “Losing myself…”

  • annz0r says:

    I've been thinking about this for most of the morning, but haven't commented quite yet because I had to get some work done before I went into blog/internet lala land.

    Most of your recent blog entries have really struck a chord with me because I feel like I'm in a similar place right now. Do we (meaning people our age) all feel like this?

    As of late I've read a few articles/blog articles about each generation having more and more of a sense of self-entitlement, and sometimes it makes me think. Do we, as a generation, expect too much out of work and life? If I complain about certain things to my mother, she'll say inspirational things like, "That's life" or "this is the next 30 years of your life."

    Seems like most of the world thinks you should just put your head down and keep moving (makes for more obedient employees anyway). Does this incessant feeling that "this is not what my life should be" ever go away? If I achieve my goals, am I just supposed to stop hoping?

    Realistically unless we win the lottery, we have about 40 more good working years left. Some asshole who probably never had a shitty job said, "if you do what you like, you'll never work a day in your life."

    Most days I'm not sure that's possible anymore.

  • jeanette nicole* says:

    You pose a good question, whether or not we expect too much out of work/life. I think the answer is both yes and no. We were brought up in an era where our parents taught us to believe that you can do anything you want as long as you believe in yourself and work hard at your goals.

    In turn, I believe that many of us took that to mean that we can find the "perfect" career/significant other/fairytale lifestyle so long as we follow the plan and do the work.

    Having followed the best laid plans, some of our generation has gotten lucky and landed in positions in which they are truly happy. Others of us have tried following a plan and got diverted for some reason or another. Now we're stuck looking for fulfillment.

    I like to hold out hope that achieving goals does not kill the zeal/hope we hold in our hearts.

    If any of that made sense…damn stream of consciouness and having work to do! HAHA!

  • annz0r says:

    I used to wonder how people could spend so much money on lottery tickets. Didn't they like their jobs?

    Boy was I deluded!!

    I think everyone should have a certain sense of self-entitlement. Granted, not everyone should think that jobs should fall into their laps and they should be CEOs and whatnot, but once you lose hope and stop having aspirations, well, you might as well stop living.

    Unfortunately the struggle is realizing your aspirations, and then achieving them. At this point in my life, I think trying to figure out what the F you want to do is more difficult than actually carrying it out sometimes. Heh.

    Did I just blabber us in a circle? /facepalm

  • Lisa says:

    Your blog has struck a chord with me too, J. Here I am, with an English degree, and you know where I work. Sigh. But it's tough — I seriously scour the Internet for any type of job that meets what I am qualified to do — and honestly, nothing comes up that would fulfill/satisfy me. That, or they require butt-loads of experience that I frankly do not have, because said-comapnies won't hire those of us without it! It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?

    Maybe I need to move out of Wisconsin. Yeah right. Tell that to the fam. I'm sure they'd LOVE it. *eye roll*

  • Jeanette says:

    @ Ann: Yup. Someone recently asked me what I wanted to do w/ my life and I did not have an answer. I used to be SO SECURE in what I thought I wanted to do, but now? Notsomuch. Scariest ish ever!

    @Lisa: Oh I feel your English degree totin', job that has nothing to do with said degree havin', self! HAHA! It's not just Wisconsin. It's the whole midwest, to be honest. I've found numerous opportunities out East, but who can just pick up and move like that? Not many…

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