Goodbye to Buddy and Hello to Something New.

I’ve started and stopped writing numerous blogs since last week, Monday. The words weren’t coming together quite right.

Thank you, Belle. Reading this made me realize that I can’t do this. I cannot get back into this endless cycle of ridiculousness that is Buddy. I should want more. I should think more of myself to demand more. However, I do not want that more from him. So the smart thing to do is to make his name Do Not Answer in my phone and follow that directive. I have little to no willpower, so this will be difficult. It’s for the best, though.

So Saturday night was Amy’s birthday. You know the girl from Veep’s birthday who I said I did not want to be involved with ever again? Yes, her. I got guilted into participating in her festivities. AE & the Veep double-teamed me. Plus, it gave me a reason to break out the RockBand and play with others. 🙂 (There’s only so much I can do by myself. I cannot be a one woman band! Believe me, I tried!) The night was okay, I got to see Amy’s friend E whom I never see, but simply adore. Also, met some new people as lovejones (Veep’s boy) brought some of his friends along for the ride.

Somewhere along the way though, I just started having a bad night. At one point I just had to take a breather, get some fresh air. One of lovejones’ friends probably got offended because he asked “What’s good? You leavin’?” when I was taking my breather to which I responded, “Yeah dude, I’m just cool on this whole situation. I need to remove myself from it. I’ll be back though.” Which was truth. I could see that these dudes were sizing up the females in the room, trying to see to whom they could spit game. I’m SUPER cool on getting involved with a dude at this exact moment. After I figure some things out, come holla at me then, lol.

I’ve been feeling like crawling back into my little protective bubble and not hanging out with anyone for a good while. I’m feeling really bad right now and God knows why. I certainly have no reason to complain as I am gainfully employed, have a roof over my head, & wake up every morning without major issues plaguing me. But still. I’m just. . .I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s just every so often I get into a funk and there’s nothing that anyone (including myself) can say or do to coax me out of it. I just feel like there are some things that I have been battling internally that I need to stop gunnysacking and deal with head on. The problem with that is that it is simply too painful to be completely honest with myself. I see destructive patterns emerging and I am trying to eradicate them.

This is why I wish I had not moved back home from California. Granted, yes, it was a necessity, but a part of me feels like I should have just lived in my car, showered at the Y (lol), and struggled for a bit. Clearly, that isn’t sane thinking, BUT moving back home just hindered my independence. It put me back into this complacent environment where I have no desire to get up, get out, and do somethin’ (wasn’t that the jam back in the day? lol). Sure I’m going to Grad school, but that’s only because it’s free at my job. I am in no way passionate about my area of study (Human Resource Management), but it seemed to be the best option because I can’t afford to go to Grad school for real and study something that would really interest me.

So in the past when I’ve been feeling like this, the following happened. I will stop blogging (or post sporadically about random, meaningless drivel) for undetermined amount of time. Then I’ll come to some sort of epiphany (that really isn’t one, just a quick fix to make myself believe so). After that, I’ll spew the bullshit epiphany on this blog, claiming clarity and declaring to change my life’s path. Blah blah bullshit. LOL I’m going to try not to go down that path this time though.

Wish me luck!

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