I’ve been in a mood for the past month or so. There have been bright spots, but most of my time has been spent fighting dreariness, self-doubt, sadness, and anger. I use this space to unload. I know my last few posts haven’t been the funnest to read & I can fully understand if you wanna log off of this space completely, heh. I like to be able to clear my mind of the clutter & later reflect on what was troubling me (no masochist).

Lately I’ve just been down. in. the. dumps. I have a friend who’s birthday is coming up & she has (had?) all these grand plans. I honestly want to celebrate with her, but I just am not up to it. I don’t feel like my normal self & don’t want to bring her down on her special day. I’m sure she sees it as me bailing out on her or not caring or just not wanting to be bothered, but it’s deeper than that. & she would understand, surely, if i expressed this to her but…

ok see, here’s the thing. i hate discussing my mental affairs w/ people who know me well. it’s one thing for me to type out whatever here bc 9 times outta 10, if my friends/associates *do* happen to read this, they don’t really discuss it with me. one of my best friends says to me (often) “when i was a complete stranger, you told me EVERYTHING that was going on with you. now? notsomuch…” ’tis true. i think it’s because in my mind i think “oh well you don’t really know me, so you can’t judge me!” not that i think my friends would judge me << that sentence was fulla lies, lies, lies….ohhhhhh lies. (Sidebar: I was at this show & *loved* when her voice cracked on that note & she says “Well at least you can tell I’m not lip syncing”! This is not captured in that video. #fangirlingover)

where was i? oh yes…judgment (shoutout to spell check on the help on spelling that word) from friends/associates. not to say that they would be harsh, i just would rather not even put myself in the position to be on the receiving end of some (possibly) unnecessary harshness. i’ve always been the type to internalize my feelings & have them manifest in different physical symptoms. i can fully realize that this is not the best course of action, but it’s what’s been doing for the past 14 years, yanno?

been thinking about seeking professional help, but am ambivalent about that. had an experience in undergrad that pretty much scarred me. i was having a tough time spring semester 04, so i decided to go to campus mental services & talk w/ the licensed therapist there. i dunno if she was jaded by people coming to seek her services to get outta class/academic duties, but she basically told me that if i hadn’t slit my wrists, swallowed drugs or toxic substances, or tried to run myself off the road yet, that i’d be fine. having the suicidal thoughts weren’t nearly enough. i just needed to drop a few classes. mind you at this point i was taking a normal load (12 CH) & everything that i talked to her about had nothing to do with my academic status.

to say she soured me on mental health professionals is an understatement. & i know it’s bad to paint all people w/ one brush, but…i’m only human. stereotyping is par for the course. nevertheless, in this blue period (no Picasso) i’m thinking about going to talk to someone. because this “set it & forget it” shit is noooooot working.

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