freedom isn’t without cost.

on august fourteenth in the two thousandth and nineteenth year of our Lord and Savior Jesus THEE Christ I walked into the building housing the job at which I’d toiled since august nineteenth two thousand thirteen for the last time. it was an odd feeling, honestly. knowing that this was the very last day that I had to see these faces, endure the trash that came along with being in charge of people who didn’t respect you. the last day that I was undermined by folks who didn’t think I deserved my job. the last day that I’d wonder if my boss was intimidated by me in some way. the last day I’d walk into a place, clock in, work nine hours straight with half an hour break, then go home to wake up, rinse and repeat the same cycle.

I’m officially unemployed. with no new job in sight. well, that’s a lie. I do have a new job, but it is also my old job? my new job is Nicole Falls. writing full-time. taking a chance on myself and these words and this drive and this fire and and and…

I’m scared shitless.

it’s been just over two weeks and I keep thinking “maybe this wasn’t the move, J. that juice you think you got ain’t filling up but one cup. maybe pump your brakes, tuck your tail, and go back to working for someone else.” but going back isn’t an option. not now. not this soon. maybe not ever. this my new normal. & I’m still unsettled.

I feel like I’m lost, but also found. it’s honestly a confounding space to be in. I have so much freedom. all of this space in which to maneuver, plant my seeds, and wait in earnest for them to blossom. but that’s the part I’ve never been good at. the waiting. I’m too…of the “immediate gratification” mindset. so I’m undergoing a relearning of sorts. another metamorphosis, permuting before my very eyes. learning what works for me and what doesn’t. and guys, there’s so fucking much that doesn’t work for me. or so I think. I dunno. but it’s full steam ahead now. no takebacksies.

and I held off on (widely) telling people because quite frankly it’s no one’s fucking business. I didn’t make this decision lightly, despite it being slightly impulsive. but have you ever been pushed beyond your threshold? and literally able to feel the very tenuous threads that have been holding you together on the brink of complete capitulation. exposed and busted seams everywhere. not a singular part of my life untouched by the ruin that I’d orchestrated for the sake of a steady payment schedule. likely the most abusive behavior I’d willingly engaged in to a reckless degree. telling myself over and over that it’ll get better. one day they’ll see me for more than what they thought me to be but the true asset for the betterment of their corporation. but that day was never coming. and subjecting myself to persistent…undermining from subordinates, underestimation from superiors, underwhelming dissatisfying bullshit that I waded through daily, lying to myself saying that what I was doing was meaningful, helpful, in some way enriching when in actuality it was soul sucking and completely debilitating more days than not.

the ones who matter most knew it was coming before I did. in fact, almost every person that I’ve chosen to tell about my new life path has said one word in response.

finally.

three short syllables, wrought with monumental weight. beyond that one word I inferred more.

“finally, you’re choosing yourself.”

“finally, you’re prioritizing your wellness.”

“finally, you’re recognizing your talent.”

“finally, you’re welcoming the sound of your own voice.”

“finally, you’re sowing into your potential.”

“finally, you’re ascertaining your power.”

finally. fina-fucking-lly.

presented with too many options I find myself paralyzed. what the fuck did I do? where do I begin? how do I move forward? who do I talk to about feeling like a fraud? when will it all click into place? why the fuck did I think I could do this again?

& I do not know the answer to not none of them questions. but I have to trust in the fact that the journey of getting there will lead me to the answers I seek.


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