So I’ve been going to the gym consistently, right? For like the last three months, give or take. It started with a request from Cam & now I’ve just accepted it as a part of my life’s routine 4x/week.
me and my weight have had a very ridiculous relationship within the past five years or so. I’d start a routine, pay folks money to help me maintain it, then somehow the interest petered out and I found myself back at one (no Brian Quinoa or whatever the fuck he renamed himself ). I stopped keeping a scale in my house because an obsessive personality keeping up with numbers turned into a very unhealthy obsession.
lowkey, that mighta been one of my biggest mistakes. Well, that coupled with working for myself and only wearing hard pants on the occasions that required me to leave my home.
as a result, I hadn’t truly realized just how out of whack I’d let myself get. A couple weeks ago I went to target and used one of their scales to weigh myself. I’d been putting it off for a while, afraid of what that number might read. Well, lissen, while I won’t share what that number was, I will say seeing that I’d ballooned to that degree had me on the ledge, deadass.
I grew so disappointed in myself for letting go to this extreme. And while my depression & unprocessed grief were certainly contributing factors, I was disgusted with myself for sinking so fucking low.
for years I’ve wondered what was my true rock bottom re: all this extra weight I’m carrying. What would be the breaking point to spur me into action. Well, all it took was seeing that number to let me know “congrats, you’ve scraped ya knees on the asphalt, bitch!”
in all of my days I’ve never weighed as much as I do currently. Or hell did a few weeks ago? I have no idea if that number has changed. (Obsessive personality + keeping a scale in house so do NOT mix.) I also decided that I ain’t using no one else’s scale until after the first quarter of the year has passed so I can see if that number has dwindled or if all of my efforts so far have been in vain.
and I don’t even need the number to be drastically different tbh.
so this morning on the drive home after working out, the kid was giving me another pep talk after I lamented about how that shit had worn my ass out. (Shout out to him btw coz he’s truly everything!) and I sat with his words for a bit, mulling them over in my post-gym shower. He encouraged me to concentrate on the positives of accomplishment even if the actual work was kicking my ass. Like how I’ve increased the dumbbell weights for some of the exercises I struggled through in the beginning of the month. And now my cardio finisher no longer has me ready to give it all over to God. I can feel myself growing stronger and my endurance strengthening.
but while I gave myself those mental pats on the back, I started thinking about my body’s current composition more & how much it truly, literally, weighs on me. I have this girlfriend, right? She likes to go outside, have a good time, scope the scene. And I be wanting to go out with her SO BADLY, right? But like, if I’m being totally honest, I’m just not totally comfortable in my own body right now. I feel like nothing looks good on me and I present like Jabba the Hutt no matter how much shapewear I put on to conceal some of these lumps and bumps 🤭
I’m certain someone would read these words and call me fatphobic or whatever, but these thoughts are only in reference to my body and mine alone. There are hella fly fat girls out here rockin their shit! Shiiiid some are way bigger than I am currently and put me to shame with the way they be putting that shit on. I never look at THEM and be like “she need to do xyz 123” WRT to their bodies.
I just know i’m tired of my joints screaming, my fuckin belly hanging, and not being able to get a fit off without self-consciousness overtaking my entire fucking being. And as I work with Christ to build a better me, I know part of that has to be deprogramming these awful thoughts about my body.
and surprisingly going to the gym is helping me combat those thoughts. Because I’m really fucking impressed by dormant strength rising to the forefront each day I’m consistent. I went from the thought of doing a plank for thirty seconds sounding akin to waterboarding to now being able to hold one for damn near a minute. I’m still not as agile as I’d like, coz every time issa burpee in a workout? IMMA SWAP THAT SHIT OUT. But by the end of the year, imma be hitting them hoes with ease. Because I’m staying consistent and persistent, challenging myself week over week to get just a little bit better each time.