credit.

i’ve had a rough few weeks. not really talked about it much, just kinda internalized until i felt ready to sort it out. not completely there, but today someone said something to me that took me by surprise. i had lunch with a friend of mine who used to be my very best friend until differences in religion (i had none*, she is a jehovah’s witness) made that bit impossible.

anyway, we were at lunch for like damn near five hours and near the end of our conversation she said, “i just always wanted to tell you that i felt like you were a better friend to me than i was to you.” and i was a bit taken aback. i didn’t think the scales of our friendship were unbalanced in any way. i knew that our friendship had bounds that i was able to operate outside of for various reasons, but that she could not. and this wasn’t/isn’t a big deal to me.

i was talking to another friend about this conversation and how it left me feeling. and she essentially said that i don’t give myself enough credit for how dope a friend i am to people. i pooh poohed it off, but now i sit here an hour later noticing this is a recurring theme lately. i’ve talked about playing small in this space before, but this is something slightly different.

a friend recently told me i was too hard on myself. we were chatting about something and i said “i’m the worst at xyz” and she politely gathered my edges about negative self speak. i be too focused on where i’m lacking that i am hesitant to give myself credit for where i am flourishing. i need to find the balance before i go too far in the opposite direction. i can’t wait ’til my life coach is ready for me, i got so much work to do! i’ma keep her mad busy.

*when i say i have no religion, i don’t mean that i am atheist. i definitely believe in God and a higher power reigning the Universe. i’m just not one for organized religion or church or the pomp and circumstance. love me a sangin’ ass gospel sanger tho.

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