Celebrate All of the Victories

So, two things. One–I am still unemployed. Deux: I am unofficially living in Milwaukee. When I lost my job, my friend graciously offered me illegal* solace in their home indefinitely. So at the beginning of November, I came up and have been here (with some breaks), living. Life is very different for me right now and I am learning how to adjust.

So often I get caught up in the wrong things, stressing myself to the point of nausea. In the three months since I’ve been laid off I’ve cried like every other day. Consistently getting the dreaded “thanks, but no thanks” emails from jobs I’m applying to or potentially not getting into grad school makes me feel like an entire failure. I’m so not used to this life. I’m used to excelling in nearly every thing presented to me as a challenge.

2012 was the year of the let down. I was defeated in nearly every arena of my life: professional, personal, physical. I ended the year feeling like a failure and lacking any sort of direction in my life. Everyone has a plan for their life and despite mine taking a few detours that were unaccounted for, I assumed I’d get it back on track eventually.

Now, however? I feel like it is going off the rails at a more rapid rate than I can control. And that scares me beyond belief. The thing I have to learn though is that I cannot control everything, so I need to let go of those things that are beyond me. I have, however, made strides to take better control of the things that I can.

I hadn’t planned on staying in Milwaukee this long, really. My plan was to get away from Chicago for a few weeks, clear my head, then bite the bullet and move back in with my mom. But then I joined a gym. So I’m committed to staying here for at least one month more as I try to get the most out of this place. Today was my first real workout and I didn’t want to die. I went to spinning at 5:30 this morning, nervous as all get out. I’d tried this workout before and barely made it through the warm-up without wanting to die.

Today, though? I dunno what it was, but I made it through the entire 45 minute class. I took breaks. I felt like I wanted to die at least eighteen times, but I made it. And I have a feeling of accomplishment that rivals landing my first job. I have a long road to go (I wanna lose a LOT of weight), but this achieving small step charged me right on up. So that’s the move right now. Celebrating all of the victories, no matter how small they may seem. And knowing that bigger ones are on the horizon.




*It’s illegal because they’re not supposed to have anyone using their basement as a bedroom.

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