Can I be real a second? For just a millisecond. Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second…?
I turned thirty-four on the eighteenth. It was a fun day. I had a good time with even better company. But toward the end of the day, I had a semi-emotional breakdown because once again I’d set myself up for failure. I have a thing about acknowledgment. I don’t care if you ignore me 364 days our of the year, you better damn well act like you know me on 08.18. And when people who know better don’t do better? I’m deeply wounded by it. So I was kind of thrown off by that being a thing that happened and the feeling of being unimportant has been kinda lingering with me since then. Logically I know it’s silly, but I’m a silly girl LOL.
So a couple days later my friend asks me about my plans for thirty-four. We’re noshing and discussing and I feel myself being cagey. She calls me on it. I manage to keep deflecting. It was one question in particular that I just couldn’t seem to answer. That question was “what do you want to change?” I have a million answers to it in my mind, but…
I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate baring myself to the core. Which, is some shit, because I often encourage my friends to do this very thing with me. And the withholding of information has nothing to do with the level of trust I have for any of the people that I call friends because I’d trust them with my life. Its that in exposing the vulnerability, I’m forced to face the fact that I don’t have the answers to making the changes. Mind, body and spirit are not working cohesively right now and it’s rather unnerving.
That took a lot for me to type out, honestly. I’m feeling queasy as fuck thinking about hitting publish. But I’ma do it coz I’m working on being better this year. And part of that is chipping away at the armor and rebuilding. So I guess this post does a bit of that or whateva.