So, I’ve been saying that 2016 is the Return of the Mack. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since Kennedy was in office so I’m nervous as fuck about this, to be honest. But I’m also tired of not [redacted], so I’m facing my fears head on. I’m not super social, so I have no idea where to even go to meet men. Most of my good girlfriends are baed up with no suitable friends of bae to pawn off on me, LOL. Work…well, ok, no. I’ll just leave it at that. NO.
On Wednesday a man came at me via Google+. Yep…you read that right. STRANGER DANGER ALERT. A man tried to court me on a social platform that I
don’t even check much am not even 100% sure how to use correctly and/or effectively. The only way I knew the mack had been laid down was because it was emailed to me. So of courrrrrrse I had to tweet about it and my girl Kei hit me with this response below…
aaaaaaye, baby girl. didn't you put some shit into the atmosphere re: dating? better be more specific. https://t.co/IpIUFrJaF7
— honeybear (@curlyfro) January 27, 2016
And I was like “OH SHIT SON. YOU RIGHT.” In all of my posturing about being ready to date and finding a boyfriend this year, I have been suuuuuuuper vague. So of course a stranger ass argyle sweater vest wearing muhfucka (henceforth known as SAASVWM) thought it was okay to shoot the J via Google+. The Universe moved him to do so, in fact.
This all happened while I was at work (were you also at work, SAASVWM? Inquiring minds…), so I was giving my coworkers an abbreviated version of the events because they live for the follies of my dating life. I still get teased about the time a man from an Alabama prison tried to pursue me via an online dating app. Look. I don’t know either, y’all. I just live this life. I can’t even begin to explain the shit to you. But anyway…as I’m telling my coworkers about SAASVWM, one says, “So what is your type?” And I’m like…”yes, this is the perfect time to put out into the universe the type of man I’m tryna let lock my love down this year…”
So here he is. Universe, I hope you’re listening…
My #perfectHim (in no particular order):
- Taller than me (shut up all of you motherfuckers): I know this isn’t hard, but if I’m being specific with the vibes I’m putting out into the universe–he’s gotta be at least 5’7″. I’ve actually lowered the height requirement from years past. Shoutout to progress.
- Alpha male AF: Listen, I got a slick mouth, you might wanna roll wimmeh. (c) Shawn Corey Carter I don’t do beta males well. I’ve tried dating them; one got mad because I called him Katy Perry. OH LIKE IT’S MY FAULT HE WAS RUNNING HOT AND COLD?! I need someone who can not only put up with my ever-babbling stream of sarcasm, but dish it back, efficiently and effectively.
- Kind: I’ve dated some unkind men in the past. Would not like to revisit.
- Adventurous: Not in a “what that skydiving do?” kinda way, but in a “babe let’s get the car and just drive til we get tired…” kinda way. I need a partner-in-crime to get into some capers with.
- Employed: Natch.
- Funny: Quick wit is the easiest way to make [redacted redacted redaaaaaacted]. He can be a little corny because I’m a whole lotta corny. (Aside: If you’ve never heard me tell my favorite joke, just ask me one day. It has to be in person because the joke doesn’t translate well written.) He has to be quick on his feet though because around my family the jokes don’t stop and they will heat yo’ ass nonstop if you’re slow to rebut.
- Handsome: To me. I’m not terribly picky about physical attributes because I’m actually super good at finding good looking features in EVERYBODY. Plus, Auberella told the fives to stay quiet when a ten is talking, so I stay in my lane–no swerving.
- Into not having kids (biologically): Self-explantory, right? Y’all know about my “no room in the womb” campaign.
That’s pretty much it, honestly. There are *maybe* a few other “wants”, but the above list hits all the necessities. If you know anyone who fits in those categories & is tryna be the kinda dude that I can be down for…let a sista knoooooow. I’m tryna find a bae to listen to this KING album with and [redacted].