Stream of consciousness ramble.
it’s much easier for me to talk to virtual strangers about things than it is to talk to those with whom I am allegedly closest. it’s weird because i often lament (to myself) about the superficiality of some of my relationships, but have made no concerted efforts to change ’em. some people aren’t entirely comfortable with discussing things of a sensitive nature, so i just let it go. for me, i just don’t like being too vulnerable with many people.
it’s weird though because I overshare so much in some aspects that makes me seem way more transparent than I actually am. so most of those whom I consider friends will think that they know all of my deepest, darkest secrets when in actuality they only know what is slightly beyond the surface. I have a gigantic fear of my feelings being invalidated, ridiculed or somehow used against me in a different moment so I hold back.
I was on the phone with the Biffles Friday night discussing helping her with her rapidly growing home business, when talk turned to (as it inevitably does) her kids & family. She was telling me about how good her kids can be for her esteem when she’s down and feeling bedraggled. The story was hilarious and she wraps up with “well you’ll know this feeling when you start popping out little ones!” I responded with my patented “there’s no room in the uterus inn for children to be swagging and surfing through”. She tried convincing me otherwise for a good 15 minutes thereafter and it devolved into eventually hanging up with a kinda heavy thought in my head.
You see sometimes my uterus aches for a child to bear, but in the same moment I know the life I live isn’t the best to bring a kid into nor do I want to give up my freedoms. I always say that I am too selfish to be a mother. And while I do firmly believe this to be true, I also think that a bigger part of me is afraid to fuck up being a parent. I love my mom, but she has never really been a beacon of motherhood to look up too. Don’t get me wrong, she loves her kids and does everything in her power to help us physically, financially, etc. but she is an emotional midget and in ways that has hurt our relationship more than anything. I see more of her in me than I like & I’m so scared that I’d just fuck it all up. So I think I’m just gonna stay in my lane as the cool auntie/cousin. Over here dusting…and singing in the background!
In the same vein, I’ve kinda sorta lately been wanting to get back into the dating game. But it’s hard, I’m scared (¬ physically ready for all aspects of a relationship). And gun shy. And wary. And cynical. But the need for…nay the craving for someone to share life with that is not familial or platonic is overwhelming lately. I wish I could turn this shit off. It’s annoying and almost lead me to do a very stupid thing when a blast from the past dropped into my (newly reactivated) Facebook inbox. Plus, I don’t want to date while unemployed.
This is getting heavy so I’m gonna go dance to Beyoncé in the mirror right now and end this here.