Be still

I fight with insomnia every now and again. I mostly lose the battle and so here we are tonight. The house is dark, with only the illumination of my cell as I type this post. Instead of sleep, I’m tap tapping, refreshing and tap tapping some more. I feel like my days are usurped by everyone else’s needs and I keep shoving mine down. There’s always something else for someone that is more pressing.

My life had been in a whirlwind in the past few months and…I’m kinda ready for it to just fucking settle already. I’m growing increasingly frustrated with having to be a conduit or catalyst or empath. For once I’d like to be able to just…be. Take some time out to just…breathe.

I woke up this morning, fresh from a dream, grabbed my phone and started dialing. I got nearly 8 digits in before I remembered. The number that I was dialing is no longer in service and I broke down. Sobs wracking my body (&tears streaming as I write this), I remembered the very thing that I have been trying to forget.

It’s weird. I don’t quite now how to exist in a world where she doesn’t. And if I’m feeling this gaping lack, I can only imagine what her children must feel. And I cry harder. A keening, throaty moan escaping as I question God for what must be the 237th time since she’s passed. Why her? Why now?

And sometimes, fleetingly I wish it were me. Yes the loss would be equally great but it is JUST me. The ripple effect is smaller. That’s foolish to even contemplate because that’s clearly not the plan for this life, but I wonder when it will be revealed?

I’m too consumed with the right here right now. I need clear cut signs and I need them rapidly. I do not have time for waiting on a plan to be revealed to me after a series of unfortunate events.

That’s not God’s plan apparently. He’ll leak tidbits, but never fully uncover the course he’s plotted for me. I’m too impatient for all of that though, so it gets frustrating. And I cry. And complain. And moan.

All to no end, really. I need to just be still. Listen for the whispers. But I’m too busy shouting to pay attention.