Pinterest is my patronus? Uhhhh…

So apparently unemployment brings out my crafty side. One of my good friends, a sister to me, is finally turning thirty next week. The celebrations are this weekend so she called me earlier talmbout she wants a birthday cake. After discussing what kind of cake for several minutes, she decided that she wanted one that was custom made. So after grilling me on what HER cake should look like for like 20 minutes, she FINALLY came up with her own idea.

She decided to go with a play off the whole “Dirty Thirty” thing and go with a cake that looks like a dirty martini (which also happens to be one of her favorite drinks). This progress from a full blown cake to cake balls that look like olives served in martini glasses. Cute, right? So she called some places trying to price how much something like this could go for and they were tryna stick my dear sister for her papers. $36 for a dozen cake pops. FOR SHAME!

She called me and I suggested that we just make them ourselves. I’m not a really crafty person really. I mean, I was on the Pinterest bandwagon along with everyone else when it was exclusive, but I let that go within like two months. Today, however, I let my inner Pinterestista fly. I outlined a brilliant through which we’d make these things ourselves. I had an answer for every one of her doubts.

This conversation devolved into my making a homemade sugar scrub for my lips (I really don’t know how we got here) and now I’ve been on Pinterest for like half an hour. That old thing is slowly but surely making its way back. I guess unemployment makes me crafty, heh.

Sundays are the worst days.

I used to hate Sundays. Every Sunday was a day closer to the work week. Filled with lamentations of how I don’t want to go to work. How I’m so tired of having nothing to do. How I can’t stand my job. How I want something better. Yet I never made the effort to have something better. We’re coming up on Week Two of The Great Layoff and I’m really gonna stop with these sad sack ass posts soon guys really, but for now just bear with me.

I received my unemployment determination letter and boy was I disappointed. I basically will be getting just enough to pay my bills, except for the major one. Rent. Yeah, so I have to terminate my lease and hopefully be able to move out of my place by the end of the month if the Lord (&my landlord) permits. So basically I’ve got a smooth 15 days to pack em up & move em out to…where? Yet to be determined.

I have amazing friends. I have people who (for a plethora of reasons I have yet to discover) have my back in ways that folks I’ve known my entire life don’t. A few of those friends opened their homes to me and for this I am eternally grateful. Unfortunately for me all homes are outside of my home state and with my pithy amount of unemployment & lack of direction on my near future, I’m hesitant to accept any such offer fully. I know that they mean it & I get that, but I dunno. I just don’t know. I told one set of friends that I might need to take them up on their offer and we started making plans but my heart truly isn’t in it. Like I was all set that this was what I needed to do, but seeds of doubt are starting to germinate. THEN this morning my mom calls and is all “oh you know you can stay here.” After I told her that I may be crossing state lines, that is. Natch.

Sure that’ll work–the two of us in her one bedroom apartment for an undetermined amount of time with an already tenuous relationship. Right so after two weeks I can hear from my cousin who heard from his/her mom/dad how much of an inconvenience I am? Yeah no thanks.

I honestly just need a place to cool out for a few months. I want to start applying to grad schools in November for a Fall 2013 start. Do I want to necessarily jump back into a 40 hr a week office job to turn around and quit it should I get accepted into the schools of my choice? Not really. Do I feel like anyone understands that choice and is truly willing to have me sit around like a sea anemone for the next 4 or so months until I’ve received the acceptance or declines from any of these institutions? Nah. Not for real for real.

I would like to believe that things will go my way and in February or March I will be trying to decide whether I’m going to Urbana, Madison or Brooklyn. But I can’t guarantee that. I just…man I just fucking don’t know and this is such a weird place for me right now. All this uncertainty is taking its toll on me and I start to think maybe I should jut say eff the full time school idea and just look for another job. But honestly? I don’t want to be right back to hating Sundays all over again.

The truth is…

I’m not the first person to ever get laid off this I know. It happened almost a week ago but it really hadn’t sunk in until today. I woke up with a start, at my normal time, on auto pilot beginning my morning toilette when I remembered. I sat down, heaving on the verge of vomiting as I remembered the swiftness of the entire ordeal. 23 minutes. That’s how long it took for my life to go from one with which I was I slightly dissatisfied to one completely unrecognizable.

I have been working since I was fourteen. My first job required a permit with special permission from my parents because I was below the legal working age. I remember hating the job (early morning curb painting duty in my village), but loving the satisfaction that came with having earned my own money. And even throughout the rest of high school & undergrad, I stayed with a job. After graduation from undergrad the longest stretch of time that I can recall being unemployed was in the few months I lived in LA. Even upon my return I was hitting the pavement and had a new job within two weeks.

So yes I am going to bring up my unemployment often because I don’t know how to do this. Everyone keeps saying I have so many options and this is an opportunity to do what I wanna do but dammit if I don’t know what that is. and I’ll be damned if I chase a dream to fall on my face again. So I’m trepidacious. And I don’t know who I am right now because this isn’t me. I’ve always attacked my problems head on, but lately have fallen into this…this I dunno what it is. Complacency? Laziness? Fear? Lack of confidence? All of the above?

It’s driving me insane because I know I am better than this. I know I am stronger than this. But right now? In this moment that I sit on my couch quietly sobbing and typing? I’m not so sure. And I need someone to tell me that’s ok. Because everyone keeps actin like it’s not a big deal. “Oh you’ll be back working in no time” “oh you’re not the only one who’s ever been laid off. “There blah blah million unemployed people in the US welcome to the club”.

I think the reason it’s cutting so deeply for me is because I feel it was more of a personal decision than a business decision. Yes five others were let go at the same time, but I’ve struggled mightily at that place since my first boss left. My now ex-boss never had any faith in my abilities and I always had to jump through hoops & create my own opportunities to even get the slightest sense of responsibility and usefulness. What’s fucked up is that he has my personal cell phone number and not once in the days since this transpired has he tried to contact me to offer condolences or future references. That stings & I shouldn’t take it personally, but I do. I’m sensitive, sue me.

The one thing that I have learned in this time though is who really has my back. Like for real. I’ve seen which of my friends are for true true. But what really touched me more than anything was the outpouring of support from strangers. People who only know me from random spews of 140 characters or less were outchea checkin for me harder than my goddamned family. And I appreciate that sooooo much. Dammit I’ve started tearing up again, but I was for real moved.

I know I’m gonna be all right, but I just need to give myself some time. Not too much tho coz daytime television is NOT the tea.