So I’m sitting at work right now. I’m sitting and work and I’m listening to Pink. I’m sitting at work, listening to Pink and on the verge of tears. There’s a song on her new album called “Beam Me Up”, chorus below.
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.
Alecia. Girl. Listen, I do not have time for you to be writing things to get me all in my feelings while I’m on the clock, okay?! I’m already all tenderhearted, I just do not have the time right now. HA! That’s not what I opened WordPress to talk about on this dreary Monday afternoon, so moving on…
I have difficulty saying few things in this life. In fact, those who know me best would probably say that I tend to say a lot of things that are better left unsaid. I’m a wordy person. I spend the majority of my day dealing with words and trying to cobble them together in ways that make sense to appeal to consumers for my job’s web property. I tweet all the live long day. I blog sparingly. I’m always reading. So words are my world, basically.
There is one phrase, however, that I have the most difficulty saying no matter how dire the circumstance. That phrase? “I need help.” These last few years since I movef from FP to OP have been kinda hard. After working at my company for three years, I’ve only most recently gotten a performance review and the raise was a smooth 3%. I’m trying to be a good person and clean up my debt so I’m living worse than paycheck to paycheck. I’m literally at the point where I am stealthily monitoring my checking account daily to ensure that a) there are actually funds in it and 2) said funds are enough to help me survive for an indetermined amount of time. It’s so hard, really. I get times when I’ve finally paid off one thing and have some breathing room only for another thing to come out of the woodwork.
There have been weeks when I’m sitting in the house drinking the finest of tap water to abate my hunger. And it’s all a pride thing really because I have a strong foundation of people I can call to say ” I’m hurting, I need help” and they’d be there right away. I, however, am of the mind that I am more than old enough to provide for myself. I shouldn’t have to call a parent or a family member to ask for help because it’s only me. It isn’t like I’m struggling to provide for a family or anything. Plus all of my bad financial choices are MY problem. Cleaning up the mess I made should not be anyone’s responsibility BUT mine.
I’m working on being better to ask for help when I truly need it though because in the end I’m only hurting myself more.