Workplace Ettiquette

I was sitting on Twitter, watching the tide go by and a few people started tweeting about the impact one’s personality has on performance reviews, despite the quality of one’s work. I then fired off a series of tweets about my issues with this exact thing in my current place of employment. See below:

I had a long talk with a previous boss about this. One day she pulled me into her office under the impression that she had something important to discuss with me. I went in and was ambushed about not “talking with the other guys and making myself accessible to the group.” -__- like shit, right? I calmly told her that I don’t necessarily feel a need to hop into every conversation if I do not feel like I have something of value to add to it. I then asked if this had any negative effect on any work that I’ve done for her or is it just a personal preference issue? She said that a few people on the team felt like they couldn’t approach me about work stuff because I didn’t join in on their conversations about subjects in which I had no interest nor authority on which to speak about. I reiterated this again and let her know that she should let them know that they don’t have to feel like I’m unapproachable because I don’t have anything to say about the Cubs/Sox/Tigers/Blackhawks/Red Wings. Furthermore, another guy who was on our team never engaged in these convos, but I was being singled out. I thought it was unfair and told her so. She says, “Well that’s just how John is.” & my reply? “And that’s how Jeanette is as well. I hope you all can respect that.” That happened early in my tenure here and I thought it’d have negative effects.  I, sadly, was right.

It pisses me off because I am here to do work. I am not here for your amusement nor to make friends. If it happens, great. I don’t necessarily feel compelled to interact with everyone at work on a daily basis. Especially if I don’t feel we have anything in common. I’m not good at small talk nor feigning interest. But don’t ever think you can’t ask me about WORK at WORK. Coz that’s just stupid. Hell, some of my friends give me garbage for not talking to them enough and now strangers expect to get all of my business coz we sit by each other for a few hours a day? NAWL. I know we do spend a majority of our day in this cubeland, but…

Further discussion lead to it being a “black woman” thing or “black person” thing in general, which I can kind of see. In my currently position though, I’m in a weird position of being the only Black person here. I say weird because every other job I’ve had in my working adult life has been a very diverse workplace. In fact, before agreeing to take this job one of my questions was about the diversity of the workplace.

I think moreso than it being racial though, it’s more of an introvert v. extrovert thing. The conversation on Twitter kinda devolved into this as well and, well my tweets were too numerous about the subject for me to add to any already long blog post. In all honesty it boils down to this–I come to work to do work. Why should how social I am to others matter? Especially if I am pleasant/cordial when it counts! Do I need to know about so and so cat’s kidney failure or whatshernuts’ sister’s wedding shower fiasco? Not especially. And not particularly if it impedes my ability to function normally.

I mean damn…can I live?

Random Thoughts…

– I’ve decided to stop making decisions based on how comfortable i think they’ll make someone else feel. That feels like an incredibly selfish and/or self-centered thing to say, but I really don’t even care. So here’s the deal right? People keep asking me to do things and then guilt tripping me when I am unable to do these things with them. No less than three different people on three different occasions. What is this shit? In the past I’d dwell on it and eventually give in to the wants/needs/desires of others just to make them feel better. No one does that shit for me though so why should I continue being so damn accommodating?

– The other night I was talking to a few homies re: men and their sensitive ass feelings. That lead me to wishing I had more male friends. I always fuck that up. Undoubtedly all men with whom I’ve ever forged deep relationships ended up going from boy *space* friend to boyfriend and ending with disastrous results. Some of them I am cordial too, but others I forget exist until something stupid reminds me of him. Where can I pick up some platonic male friends? Do they sell them in The Home Depot?

– Music is really my therapy. I would go insane if it were not for certain artists/songs. I’ve been feeling some kinda way about myself and my life lately and time and time again music has pulled me back from the ledge. *That’s* why I stan so hard for certain people.

– No mas, but I couldn’t leave this list with an uneven number of bulletpoints.

heart strings & shattered illusions…

Here I go/made a fool of again/thinking that/he was gonna be different…

This morning at work,  this song  popped on. Immediately, I fell into a trance as I thought about he who shall not be named aka the only boy who has ever broken my heart.  This song is like a narrative of our situation. I’d swear I wrote it, haha.

nobody’s perfect/ but he was for me/ everything about him/ all his qualities
so when he came around the corner/ and swept me off my feet/ i went with it
it was a whirlwind from the beginning/ so much time together
knew there were challenges when we went in/ that we’d have to weather
but i never thought/ no i never once suspected
that he wasn’t the/ person that to me he projected
now look at me sitting/ cold, alone/ racking my brain/ staring down at my phone
tryna figure out the reason/ why he’s gone/ coz i don’t know

I fell for him instantly. Initially, we were just really good friends. We had many common interests and he was someone that I could see myself hanging out with on a regular basis. We would talk for hours about absolutely nothing, but they were some of the best conversations I ever had. I used to make fun of my homegirl and her marathon phone conversations until I finally understood how, before you know it, nearly 5 hours have passed and you haven’t run out of things to say yet.

I was reluctant to try & move beyond the friend zone because of the whole S.Dot thing. I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about S.Dot in this space, but he was basically the first guy that I ever truly loved. I ruined it with self-doubting and lack of trust/faith in him. When that imploded, I was hesitant to put myself in that position again. Another reason I stalled on trying to move it further was because of of the distance factor. I’d tried dating someone who was a few hours away and it hadn’t worked. No way in hell I’d be able to be with someone who was states away. So we remained friends. Grew closer. He knew things about me that some people that I’d known for a way longer time didn’t know.

ain’t no pain like when something you believe in/falls like rain into puddles at your feet/proves to be just an image you perceived/that in reality is made of/nothing but deceit/damn/how could he do a thing like that/damn/what kind of person/could swindle you outta emotion/so strong, so real, so thorough/just because it was something to do/to feed, fill, stroke their ego/i didn’t wanna make him out to be bad/benefit i wanted to give him of the doubt/but you don’t dead nobody just like that/unless a soul you live without 

You ever had a feeling about someone that you couldn’t quite place. Your gut was telling you that something wasn’t right with the person, but you allowed heart to override logic? That was me. At first it was little details not adding up. Despite letting him know that I find liars to be reprehensible–especially when I find out they’re lying, we continued down this path of lies consistently being uncovered. Then came the big whopper, (which tbh part of me *still* isn’t over, so I won’t even go into details. Just think of one of the most terrible things a person can do and you’re probably close.

After the straws and camel’s backs and such, I flat out asked why and got no response. My feelings were disregarded by someone I’d loved and trusted. The love thing, whatever I can get over that. But betraying my trust? That hurt the most. I’m not a person who opens up easily so for you to draw all of those emotions out only to shit all over that?  Negative, ghostrider.

I spent the past weekend thinking about why I’m not really interested in dating and relationships right now. This song shuffling on today is indicative of one of my major reasons. Shattered illusions.