I just had a conversation with one of my favorite people to talk to that kinda left me a bit down. She & I normally have goofy conversation with a bit of reality spashed about, but today was all reality. We were discussing a situation in which we’re peripherally involved (she moreso than I) and the effects that the situation have been taking on us mentally & physically. This devolved into a conversation about motivation, in general & left me a bit put out.
I’ve spoken about my ambivalence re: my job in this space before. I sometimes feel as if I am wasting potential. I had a conference call with my boss last week sometime that basically ended with me in tears. I was angry beyond belief and incapable of actually expressing myself in ways which were suited for the office. I ended up going over to KB’s desk and hijacking her into a conference room where I proceeded to sob out a profanity laced rant.
What set me off? My boss basically saying that I was worthless at my job. I think I’ve talked about how my role has transitioned so many times here that I barely know what I do. Well, this is especially true in the case of my boss. Since he’s in Florida and only checks in with me when I have cause for complaint (which is rare), he has no idea what I do. I will be the first to admit that I have a lot of spare time. Have I asked for tasks to fill this time? Yes. Have I raised my hand for countless projects to help out other sectors of our business. Yes. Have I suffered through basically being told that I was unskilled without cussing someone out? What do you think?
I’ve been in my position for nearly two years and I would venture to say that I have not gained any additional skills. Well, I take that back. I’ve gained a moderate amount of patience and decorum because I’ve done well to hold my tongue when needed. The blame for the lack of growth is two-fold. I blame myself for allowing complacency to rule. I was okay with just doing my job instead of going above and beyond to show that I was interested in other facets of the business as well. I do have to share my blame bearing shoulder with my boss as well though. Part of his job is to help me along my path of professional growth and because he is so busy, we’ve slacked a bit on the job.
So I’m supposed to come up with a list of professional goals for the coming year. The problem with this is that none of my goals relate to my current position in any way. I’d love to do more social media related stuff (I’ve dipped my toe in it a little…) to help grow one of our web properties. Ultimately I don’t want to work in the arena in which I am now embroiled, but I certainly cannot tell him that.
I’d love to go back to school (it’s in my 30 x 30!), but alas I don’t think that is in the cards right now. Nor do I think it is wise. Namely because all things in which I have even the slightest interest, despite being culturally and personally enriching, are not monetarily enriching. (which, if we’re being honest, is what I need in my life right now in order to clear it up a bit). Nor are they professions by which someone with my lack of follow through can actually succeed. Or they’re dying breeds. (‘sup librarian career for which I long…)
All of that above paragraph is just excuses though. I want to be able to live fearlessly. Take risks and life be damned. I’m too chickenshit though. It seems like every time I try to step out and do something outside of the box, I’m suffocated by the cardboard. Step out on a limb and the shit snaps instantaneously. I need to get over myself and just keep trying. I read something today that said “Decide once and for all to live an extraordinary life.” Much easier said than done, but I’m up for the challenge.
No more of this living just to get by type shit. I need purpose and fulfillment. If that means change, so be it. I’m supposed to be in the “giving shit a chance” mindset these days.
* Please get into the sarcasm that is this post’s title.