30 x 30

I’m constantly inspired by my friends. They always come up with interesting ideas & I stay biting them. This one was originally my friend Jenny Rae’s idea. She has this list of thirty things she wants to do before she turns thirty & I thought it was brill! So I’m biting the idea, but unlike JR who’s completing hers in less than 6 mo, I’m giving myself close to a year, haha. I need the extra time, trust me. Some of these things are rather ambitious, while others are things I need to make myself held accountable for completing. Here’s the list w/ a few explanations/caveats:

Thirty by 30
1.    Take a solo vacation. I haven’t decided if this means an entirely solo vacation where I go somewhere that I know no one and vacay or travel solo to a place where I have friends and vacay. I’m leaving it kind of open for now.
2.    Lose 40 lbs.
3.    Apply & be accepted into a Master’s Degree program. I’m deciding between library science, linguistics and education. My dream is to be a teacher, but the over-saturation of the market may make this a bit impossible. Library science is a field in which I have great interest + will probably be able to parlay into a real career. Linguistics is my passion. I absolutely love words. I’d be in heaven studying about their meanings, etymology, etc. Alas, I do not think this will land me a job/career though.
4.    Learn how to knit. Ideally I’d love to complete an entire knitted item. Be it socks or a scarf. I’ve been saying for years that I want to learn, but never going beyond. I learned how to crochet from a friend’s mother years ago, but  let that fall by the wayside. With all these babies on the way, I wanna be a knitty mammajamma. Keep my babies laced! LOL
5.    Start guitar lessons. Been saying for years that I wanna learn to play the guitar. My friend Jackie started teaching me, then she disappeared. I will be able to play Tamia’s “Officially Missing You by 8/18/12. Werd.
6.    Blog every day for a month (be it personal or book related).
7.    Go an entire month without potato chips. I am addicted to chips. The sheer amount of them consumed by me on a weekly basis is ridiculous and I should be ashamed, but I just can’t stop. Especially if you get me any chips from Vitner’s (local Chicago brand)…ZOMG. I will inhale all of them before you can say “you’re welcome” LOL
8.    Complete an entire short story & let people whose names are not Jeanette read it. Trying to get back into writing creatively. The well most certainly cannot have run dry. I refuse to believe so. In writing however, I tend to be hella secretive w/ my creative endeavors. Working on getting over that fear, especially if I ever want to be published.
9.   See a concert at three different, lesser known Chicago live music venues. Love music, but I feel like I go to the same place all the time UC, HOB, etc. Wanna find some off the beaten path type jawns & holla at an open mic or local band every now and again.
10.    Complete NaNoWriMo. NaNoWriMo happens every November. The goal is to write a novel in 30 days. Whether or not the novel is rady for public consumption at the end of those thirty days are debatable. I’ve started this many times in the past, I am now ready to complete it. Hopefully…eep!
11.   Join a gym. ‘Nuff said.
12.    Bring lunch to work for an entire month. This would also entail me cooking for an entire month. Goes well with…
13.    Have a “no spending” month. I read The Frugalista Files by Natalie McNeal last year and kept saying that I was gonna take some of her suggestions into consideration. Welp, now it’s time to put up or shut up. This excludes groceries or transit costs tho. It’s more about cutting out unnecessary spending.
14.    Go on at least 5 dates. Which entails actually meeting guys. Yeah, hmmm, we’ll see.
15.   Plan a solo outing at least once a month. I am seeing myself becoming codependent. No bueno.
16.    Get tattoo #4.
17.   Take a touristy day in Chicago. Hit up Sears Tower, Top o’ the Cock, Navy Pier, Millennium Park, etc. I’ve  been saying I want to do this for a while I need to figure out when is the least touristy time, which unfortunately may be winter, to do all of this. I’d prefer to do in one day.
18.    Enroll in some conversational Spanish classes & get back on the track to fluency. I took Spanish for 3 of the 4 high school years + all while I was in college. Shoulda minored in it.
19.    Interview my grandmother & assemble some sort of compilation of the oral family history that is bound to be passed down. I had SUCH a good time w/ my grandmother when we just sat and talked before the funeral of my sister’s mom. She was telling me the story of how she first met my grandfather & some other family history. I once interviewed her for a paper in undergrad that I wrote and sat there enthralled the entire time.
20.    Reread the complete works of Zora Neale Hurston.
21.    Take a trip to the West Coast. My friend Elise has been bugging me to come visit her. I’ve been dying ot get back to the left coast since I had to move back home. Perfect marriage here.
22.    Hand write a letter a month. This is where I’d actually need some help. Know anyone who wants a penpal? I have out of state friends, but I think it’d be fun to spice it up a bit with folks I don’t know as well.
23.    Get a new job.
24.    Make peace w/ Brooklyn. Not that the city has done much wrong to me, but I need to get over myself & back to NY soon.
25.    Write an entire rap song. I just think it would be fun. My lil cousin is a producer & had a lil studio in his crib. I need him to make me a beat and let me spit hot fiyah. LMAO
26.   Spend a week w/o cussing. All cuss words uttered result in a quarter in the swear jar. This is gonna be hard. I cuss so much I do it in my sleep.
27.    Coordinate monthly visit with my nieces. This depends on their mom’s schedule, but prior to my recent visit, it had been over a year since I last saw them. Re-goddamn-diculous.
28.    Read a piece of Urban Literature. I talk so much chit about Street Lit without having read a single line. I’ma be well-versed in talkin’ shit after reading a book lol.
29.   Perform a random act of kindness, per quarter. I wanna do something like buy a cup of coffee for a stranger or something. I think it’d be fun/unexpected.
30.    Finish this list.

PBS…

No, this post is not about the joys of the Public Broadcast System. Though, I will say that I stayed watching those telethons when they tried to raise money & cried many a time when my mother would not make a measly donation so that I could get some sweet, exclusive Sesame Street gear or something, heh. That previous sentence just ran a marathon. I digress…

Every year slightly before my birthday, I get the blues. It’s a little disorder I like to call Pre-Birthday Sadness (hence the title). It’s pretty recent onset, brought about by the birthday a couple years back when no one but my parents acknowledged it.  I spent all day crying because I had conversations with folks about the most inane shit, but no one remembered the anniversary of the day of my birth. I felt like the LOWEST of the low. Granted one shouldn’t ascribe so much to the amount of attention received (or not, in this case) on a specific day, but damnit–I’m a sensitive, attention whore that should have her whims catered to on this one day at least! And I didn’t wanna be that girl. Yanno…the one who’s all “hey…aren’t you forgetting something?” *nudge wink etc etc*

So as I woke up this morning, I was enmeshed by melancholy. Every morning, I wake up with a song in my head–this morning’s? “Irvine” by Kelly Clarkson. Y’all this song is so damn sad that just seeing the word Irvine in every day reading causes me to slide down a fireman’s pole into an emotional abyss. It’s hauntingly beautiful in ways too, though. So needless to say my state of mind made itself present early.

It doesn’t help that this is the last birthday for which twenty will precede my age. I’m having a pre-treintal crisis* because I’m in a shit job with no prospect for  it getting better. I have no idea what it is exactly that I want to do with the rest of my life that doesn’t include becoming a lady of leisure & spending the rest of my days reading.

*Pre-treintal crisis= a completely made up term of mine that refers to the anxiety that I have now started to feel as I approach thirty.

Beautiful.

So today I get a text from a coworker of my friend’s asking me about someone I don’t like. I answered the question posed with a simple no. OP’s response: “[Friend] wanted me to ask you. I thought you would have something more dramatic to say.” My response “I’m trying this new thing where I don’t assign more energy than necessary to people I don’t like. She’s only worth two characters at most.”

I think I’ve exhausted every way of saying that this girl is a trollop who doesn’t think about anyone else but herself. Wait…actually I take that back, she is consistently think about herself and whatever man is attached to the penis after which she is currently lusting. She was a friend of my friend who I didn’t like. Told my friend to watch out for her snake-in-the-grass ways, but she didn’t wanna believe fat meat was greasy. Long story short, she did her grimy & they are no longer friends. I’ve consistently asked her not to bring up the girl around me because just the sound of the name raises my hackles.

I kinda got irritated because yes, I can be funny while going in on folks I don’t like. The vocabulary gets quite the workout, but after a while doesn’t harping on the same shit you don’t like about someone gets old. It certainly does for me. Plus, I am trying to align myself with a more positive state of being. I’ve spent too much time giving into negative impulses and wallowing in the depths of self-pity. We off that. I’m actually in a pretty good space right now.

There are most certainly things that I would change about certain aspects of my life, but for the most part–I’m content. Which, in all honesty, is not something that I have ever thought myself capable of saying. I’m actively working to change the things in which I find frustration, disharmony, & ire. I’m embracing the things that give me joy, peace, and tranquility. I’ll be damned if I let you bait me into falling back into the same ol trap because your life is miserable.

Shit…I wanna live inside the glow.