I wrote this in November and never published it. Oddly enough, the emotions are still just as strong as when I first penned it…

This morning while walking to the train I started reminiscing. I started thinking about the things that I try so hard not to think about and made myself sad. Sad because there are so many things I’d hoped to accomplish by now and haven’t. The most disappointing/disheartening thing is the lack of my own family. Every day I log onto Facebook I am inundated with pictures, status updates, notes, and links to news about this one’s engagement or that one’s new baby on the way. I’ve gone an extraordinary amount of time pretending that I am not bothered by the fact that I am alone w/ no prospect of ever engaging in any sort of long-term relationship and it’s all my damn fault. In the past *mumble*4*mumble* years, I’ve messed up two substantial opportunities for what could have been something…more. Do I think either of these people were my “meant to be”? Who knows? I do know that I miss what I shared with each of them immensely and would give my left pinky toe to feel an inkling of what I felt then again. The funny thing about both situations is that each one lacked what the other had in abundance.

First, there’s B. I met B online…I know, shut up. I didn’t meet him for the express purpose of falling for nor dating. We actually met through a website of a mutual interest. I actually met B at a rather low point in my life. I was reeling from the breakup w/ my high school boyfriend as well as the dissolution of friendships that I thought were lifelong. B & I would talk nearly daily about everything under the sun. He became one of my most trusted confidants, honestly. I shared with him all of my thoughts, feelings, etc no holds barred. Part of the reason I was able to open up to him so much was because I knew it was going nowhere in a romantic sense. I lived in Chicago, he in NYC. It wasn’t possible logistically.

Nevertheless, I considered him one of my closest friends. Eventually though, true to form, I began to fall for him. It wasn’t until we’d been friends for years that I opened myself to the “what ifs” and thought about him romantically. We’d met a few times and though I wasn’t attracted to him physically, I really liked this dude. Like REALLY. We were exchanging 143s and everything. In the back of my mind however, there was always a nagging little thought about how things seemed to be a bit too…good. I thought it was me being me and always being skeptical of people. I have hella trust issues, no shade.

But, then little things that I’d initially brushed off started to bother me. He also started becoming a bit withdrawn and distant. Initially I thought it was because of some turmoil that was happening in his personal life, so I gave him space. That space allowed me some time to really reflect on my feelings for him and what I thought about our relationship. As much as I would have liked things to progress and grow between us, they just couldn’t. One of the things I value most is honesty. He knew this from day one. Lies that seemed like non-issues at the time that I discovered their duplicity became troublesome. The fact that he could tell “white lies” and think that since I wouldn’t find out about them I would be okay with it boggled my mind. So during that break, I got so fed up that I committed a grave sin of blogging, haha. I had sent him an email expressing that I didn’t think we could be friends anymore and it was met with no response so I posted a letter to him on my blog dismissing him from my life. Ohhhhh the immaturity of me 2 years ago. LMAO. I was UP and SET, hahaha. Especially because I felt like I wasted so much time & energy on someone who didn’t even care enough to say “Fuck you, bitch” if he felt that I was lashing out at him unjustly.

After B, I was cool on giving my heart to anyone. Figured it’d be better for me to roll through life solo dolo & be aight.

Then there was J. I met him while I was still in deep w/ B. We worked together at my part-time that I held during undergrad. I was instantly attracted to him. Like BADLY. I never acted on it though because a) I’m not forward & 2) had no idea if he even was attracted to me in any way. Well imagine my surprise when he asked me for my number one day. Then imagine my surprise even further when he never used it. {-__-} Well in my last semester of undergrad, I quit the PT gig (because I was in school 4 hrs away & driving back home to work was more stressful than fruitful) so I had no chance of seeing him again.

Well, as fate would have it (el oh effing el), we reconnected via MySpace, exchanged numbers (again), and made plans to hang out the next time I visited home. Apparently, he was attracted to me while we worked together, but I seemed standoffish so he never said anything. There was no talk of relationship, commitment, boyfriend/girlfriend and I was in heaven. After a while though, we began smashing pretty much every time I was at home.

Never thought I’d be having NSA sex, but I wasn’t completely mad at it at all. The shit was good & regular & what I thought I needed at the time. For one reason or another though, it eventually fizzled. Then I moved to California. I got a call from him on my birthday, randomly when I lived out there. That was nice considering that we hadn’t talked for a while so he didn’t even know that I moved. California was a bust for me & I ended up moving back home. We reconnected (onc’st again) and resumed our prior smashlationship. Things were a bit different this time though. I couldn’t *quite* put my finger on what had changed though. Then there was that random text from him that I got talmbout I love you. Say whaaaa? Ummmmmmm… 😐 At first I brushed it off, but then asked him if I was the intended recipient. I think he kinda got offended that I’d asked that. {o_0} It was indeed intended to be sent to me. Welp, the L Word sent me running faster than Gail Devers in the opposite direction of him.

From time to time though, I find myself thinking of both B & J. Wondering what I could have done differently to have different results. Playing the “what if” game. Toying with the idea of calling, texting, emailing, sending smoke signals to reconnect. Knowing that’s a bad idea, but contemplating nonetheless. And this tendency to reminisce is probably most detrimental. It’s like only my pause & rewind buttons work. I need to learn to press play & get back into the game.

It’s so hard though. Mainly because I’ve been out of it so long that I don’t even know where to begin.