Silencing my biological clock…

The title of this is a misnomer, honestly. I had a different path in mind when I began this entry, but my mind decided to go somewhere else with it. Too lazy to change the title, I stuck with the original one…sue me, heh.

I recently had dinner with two of my oldest friends, Veepy & C-Squared *waves @ her* bc she reads this sometimes). C revealed that she’s not NOT trying to have a baby with her significant other. This thrills me oh so much for a few reasons! A) She is one of my favorite people on Earth & I think she’d be a great mom. & 2) The prospect of being a “Te-te” is always makes me break out into my happy dance (aka the 1 legged butterfly).

Of course this leads to talk of children in general and when, if ever, myself & Veep would pump out some. Veepy says that if she doesn’t have them before 30, she isn’t having any at all. I told her this was ridiculous. Women are having babies well into their 30s & 40s, but she thinks that for her 30 is the end all be all. #girlbye I’ll continue trying to talk her out of this, haha. Clearly, she needs to have some bebes to be spoiled by Auntie J.

I’m not having kids. Yes, I am for real. No, I will not change my mind this time. No really, I won’t. No my future mate (yeah, okay) won’t be able to change my mindset on this. I’ll find a man who doesn’t want children biologically. If ever I get married/seriously booed up, I’d like to look into adoption as an option. No seriously, I won’t change my mind. I’m not willing to adopt if I remain single for the rest of my days, though. I’ll just be continue to spoil my little cousins, nieces, & nephews that are SURE to come from my huge family.

Honestly, motherhood scares the shit out of me. I fear it more than being touched by midget hands. I’m…ill-equipped. I’m really good at playing with children & buying them things that their parents refuse. When it comes to that whole maternal instinct thing? I’m seriously lacking. Not to say that I’d cause harm or allow a child to cause him/herself harm, but I’m just not very “mom-y”.

I visited with The Biffles (& the Twins) last weekend and I was just in awe of how much of a mom she is. She handles both of the girls w/ the ease of someone who has been a mother for years & not two months. She’s intuitive to the needs of her daughters and assuages their cries. Clearly it isn’t easy to adjust to taking care of not only yourself (& husband to a certain extent), and two additional beings. She does it seemingly effortlessly. I honestly don’t think I could do it. Bottom line, I just don’t feel like I would be a good mother.

While we’re on the subject (bc in my brain I can’t have children if it’s just me) I’m scared of everything that comes with being in a fully committed, monogamous relationship as well. Marriage scares the SHIT out of me. I can barely fathom being someone’s girlfriend without effing it up. I know I’ve talked here about wanting to be married before, but honestly I think I just want a wedding. I never think past the actual wedding ceremony/reception. After giving it some though recently, I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I’m too lazy to be a wife. I don’t like to clean, but I do it because I have to. I like to cook, but I’m a fan of quick recipes because too much time in the kitchen makes me break out into hives. Moms are supposed to teach their daughters how to be good wives, yes? My mom…didn’t really…um…yeah. I’ll just say I didn’t have good examples of how a marriage should work when I was growing up.

Though, I’m scared, the desire to get married & have children is burning bright within me. I think it’s the increased amount of friends and associates I see having babies and getting married that has me wishin’ & hopin’ & praying’ & dreamin’. Then the practical side of me chimes in with all of the things that I mentioned above & I snap back to reality. Some people aren’t cut out for marriage/children and I think I’m just one of those sort of people. Does it make me sad? At times, I can’t lie. It’s human nature to want close relationships, especially those of a romantic/familial nature. But, the risk of ruining someone’s life is too great. I can’t be held responsible for something so precious. I’d undoubtedly eff it up beyond all repair…

The Epitome of Ho Shit Vol. 2

Hey y’all! I feel like this should be a regular feature as I keep coming across songs that make me say “Well if that ain’t #hoshit, I dunno what is…” This is my 6th favorite Amy Winehouse song ever recorded*. This song…y’all, if there was a “Ho Shit in Lyrics” Hall of Fame, it would most certainly be inducted, post haste. The song in question is “I Heard Love Is Blind”.

I couldn’t resist him
His eyes were like yours
His hair was exactly the shade of brown
Hes just not as tall, but I couldn’t tell

Innocent flirtation or something more? Amy starts off waxing poetic about how this man reminded her of the Boo. Oh, you got confused because they had similar features? Really, Amy? Was it his fraternal twin brother? A close cousin or other relative? Oh wait…nope. It’s because…

It was dark and I was lying down

Hold fast. I’m sorry, whaaa? We all know dark & lying down = horizontal polka. She just goes right for the jugular. Doesn’t ease into telling her boo that she cheated. Basically, he looked like you, I thought maybe it could be you, so I went ahead and dropped down & got my eagle on.

You are everything he means nothing to me
I cant even remember his name

Welp, there goes that “bumping uglies w/ a member of the Boo’s family” theory from earlier. This was most definitely a stranger. Also, if your man is everything, why are you in these streets gettin’ it in with every Tom, Dick, or Harry you run across, hrrrmmmmm?

Why you so upset?
Baby, you weren’t there
And I was thinking of you when I came

Really?! You’re questioning why your man is upset with you for cheating on him with some random stranger. Because everything about that situation seems like it’s okay to you, huh? then…Then…THEN, you hit him with that last line which was equivalent to saying “Game. Set. & Match.” re: your relationship. Smaaaaart…

What do you expect?
You left me here alone
I drank so much and needed to touch

Ah, here we go. Turning the tables. Yes, because you were sans your partner and drinking, it’s perfectly feasible that you would end up falling into bed with a stranger. What the hell are you, a character from Grey’s Anatomy?! Also, you miiiight wanna see someone about that drinking problem.

Don’t overreact I pretended he was you
You wouldn’t want me to be lonely

Bwahahaha! I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want you to be cheating on him either! #jusssayin

How can I put it so you understand?
I didn’t let him hold my hand

Uh, I don’t think he *will* understand, but you gon’ head & try, doll. Oh. Okay. It was “just sex”. There was no emotional attachment. Right. Got it. Never mind the fact that you attached your genitals to someone who wasn’t your significant other whilst still in a relationship with him. Classy!

But he looked like you
I guess he looked like you
No he wasn’t you

Well what was it, Ames? Did he look like yo’ man or did he not? I’m thinking it’s the latter. 😉

But you can still trust me, this ain’t infidelity
Its not cheating; you were on my mind
Yes he looked like you
But I heard love is blind

*floating to the upper room*

*Amy Winehouse Top 10
1. “Tears Dry on Their Own” (The Motown-esque sound of this record sends me up!)
2. “Take the Box” (Saddest. Song. Ever! The high notes she hits near the end tho?!)
3. “Rehab” (Feel good song about a not so feel good subject)
4. “October Song” (Today, my bird flew away…YYAAASSSS!)
5. “Valerie” (This is another one w/ an old school flair that I <3)
6. “I Heard Love is Blind” (#hoshit)
7. “You Sent Me Flying” (Lent you Outsidaz and my new Baduuuu…C’MON AMY!)
8. “Fool’s Gold” (Raw emotion)
9. “Back to Black”
10. “You Know I’m No Good”
Honorable Mentions: “Moody’s Mood for Love”, “Brother”, “What It Is”, “Love Is a Losing Game”, “Some Unholy War”

Negative Neds & Nellies…

There’s this girl I know, right? I wouldn’t necessarily call her a friend, but she’s someone with whom I have infrequent interaction for a very good reason. Nearly every conversation with her takes on the same slant. She complains about every minute detail of her life & I’m supposed to…well actually I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with it. She unloads all of her baggage and only succeeds in bringing me down. An example of a conversation with her:

Me: Hey girl, isn’t it beautiful outside today?
Her: *sigh* The sun is shining too bright & hurt my eyes. I’ve been temporarily blinded.
Me: I guess you ought to invest in some sunglasses then, huh? *laughs*
Her: *sounding dejected* Sunglasses are too expensive these days. I can’t afford a good pair and the last pair I bought from the drugstore broke within five minutes of me buying them. Ugh, I swear the craftsmanship of items just ain’t what it used to be. Why don’t people take pride in making items anymore? Just like my job, they don’t appreciate me. I work hard every day, but no one seems to notice. And my mother is getting on my nerves too.
Me: . . .
Her: (insert rant about everything in her life that is going wrong)
Me: *sigh* You know what? I’ma just go now…

I’m an emotional sponge. I think it’s a Leo trait to be entirely too empathetic to the point of impediment. Just hearing the slightest bit of blue in someone’s tone sends me right in the pits with them. I could be having the greatest day ever, but if I come into contact w/ one of these people, it all goes down the tubes & I fall into their whole “woe is me” frame of mine. I HATE this. It’s the main reason I’ve limited my contact with people in whom I can readily recognize this trait. I say readily recognize because I’ve been fooled by poseurs a couple times.

We all have our off days. Some more than others & I completely get that. However, when every conversation with you has me doing fireman pole slides down into emotional abysses…*sigh* Perhaps it’s time for you to reassess your priorities & figure out how to turn it around into some positivity?

What say ye?