Dear You,

In preparation for tonight’s concert, I was in full immersion Jill Scott mode. This song says all the things I can’t ever (&if I’m being honest, won’t ever) say. Maybe I’m thinking too much of myself and I was just a blip on your radar. If not, I just hope that you take heed to the words she is singing and know that if I could, I’d say all of them and a few more…


I’m truly sorry baby for what I did to you
While you were busy loving me, I was busy too
I played you dirty boy, did some things I shouldn’t do
While you were only trying to treat me good
I was playing… damn

I can’t even begin to explain
I’m truly sorry boy
Believe me I had my turn
The next time love came along yeah it was me who burned
Sad and desperate I cried wondering why asking God why
He would do this to me so damn easy
Well karma’s real and now I really do understand
What you give is what you get, universal plan
Paid my price and looked at my life
And finally I’m loving somebody righteously
And
I can’t even begin to explain
How good it is
I can’t even begin to explain

What goes around comes around really do
Really does come back around
And I’m sorry for what I didn’t to you
You didn’t deserve what I gave you but I gave it to you
I hope you’re okay
I hope you’re loving

Well baby just because you loved and lost don’t mean stop loving
If you have a nightmare, do you stop dreaming?
Don’t give up on love because what I did to you
I hope you’re okay
I really do

Always,
Me

Hot fun in the Summertime…

Couple new things happening since I babbled here last.

  • Good (maybe) news! I’m allegedly moving out this weekend. I found a roommate situation that will allow me to be out of my mother’s house and into a house share w/ 2 other people. I say allegedly because the landlord is giving me the flux. First, I contacted him several times (through several different mediums) and received no reply. Had one of my potential new roommates call and she got immediate feedback. Contact since then has been sporadic. Going to try calling/texting/emailing AGAIN today to see if I can get the necessary info and get things squared away by Friday. I’m thisclose to saying eff it and just staying with my ma for a little while longer.
  • Summer concert season officially kicks off for me tonight with Maxwell and Jill Scott live at the United Center. I’m UBER excited as I have never seen Jill live. *hangs heads in fandom shame* I’m more than apt to make up for it tonight though as I will be acting THE fool from the 15th row, haha! Sunday, my girls & I are going to see funny lady Aisha Tyler @ the Chicago Improv. Jazzed for this one too! The last time she was in Chicago we went and she was hilarical. Super nice too! I found my copy of her book & am hoping to be able to get her to sign it this time. Then…on 6/3 I’m going to see the fat belly bella herself, Erykah Badu. Sooooo excited for this show because I have 3rd row center seats @ the Chicago Theatre. I’d initially planned on going w/ friends, but no one is able to go so I’ll be flying dolo. Can’t be too mad tho bc um…3RD ROW!!!! Other shows are to come like Lilith Fair in Boston in July(possibly) and Tamia in NYC on my birthday weekend (which kinda makes me nervous for reasons I can’t get into now).
  • Now I’m off to pretend to do work until 5:30…ttfn!

Funk.

I’ve been in a mood for the past month or so. There have been bright spots, but most of my time has been spent fighting dreariness, self-doubt, sadness, and anger. I use this space to unload. I know my last few posts haven’t been the funnest to read & I can fully understand if you wanna log off of this space completely, heh. I like to be able to clear my mind of the clutter & later reflect on what was troubling me (no masochist).

Lately I’ve just been down. in. the. dumps. I have a friend who’s birthday is coming up & she has (had?) all these grand plans. I honestly want to celebrate with her, but I just am not up to it. I don’t feel like my normal self & don’t want to bring her down on her special day. I’m sure she sees it as me bailing out on her or not caring or just not wanting to be bothered, but it’s deeper than that. & she would understand, surely, if i expressed this to her but…

ok see, here’s the thing. i hate discussing my mental affairs w/ people who know me well. it’s one thing for me to type out whatever here bc 9 times outta 10, if my friends/associates *do* happen to read this, they don’t really discuss it with me. one of my best friends says to me (often) “when i was a complete stranger, you told me EVERYTHING that was going on with you. now? notsomuch…” ’tis true. i think it’s because in my mind i think “oh well you don’t really know me, so you can’t judge me!” not that i think my friends would judge me << that sentence was fulla lies, lies, lies….ohhhhhh lies. (Sidebar: I was at this show & *loved* when her voice cracked on that note & she says “Well at least you can tell I’m not lip syncing”! This is not captured in that video. #fangirlingover)

where was i? oh yes…judgment (shoutout to spell check on the help on spelling that word) from friends/associates. not to say that they would be harsh, i just would rather not even put myself in the position to be on the receiving end of some (possibly) unnecessary harshness. i’ve always been the type to internalize my feelings & have them manifest in different physical symptoms. i can fully realize that this is not the best course of action, but it’s what’s been doing for the past 14 years, yanno?

been thinking about seeking professional help, but am ambivalent about that. had an experience in undergrad that pretty much scarred me. i was having a tough time spring semester 04, so i decided to go to campus mental services & talk w/ the licensed therapist there. i dunno if she was jaded by people coming to seek her services to get outta class/academic duties, but she basically told me that if i hadn’t slit my wrists, swallowed drugs or toxic substances, or tried to run myself off the road yet, that i’d be fine. having the suicidal thoughts weren’t nearly enough. i just needed to drop a few classes. mind you at this point i was taking a normal load (12 CH) & everything that i talked to her about had nothing to do with my academic status.

to say she soured me on mental health professionals is an understatement. & i know it’s bad to paint all people w/ one brush, but…i’m only human. stereotyping is par for the course. nevertheless, in this blue period (no Picasso) i’m thinking about going to talk to someone. because this “set it & forget it” shit is noooooot working.

shifting…

every six months, my life shifts.
sometimes, purposefully other times…notsomuch
i used to really be thrown out of whack
by the shifts, you know?
but now?
i’ve…
grown accustomed?
become comforted by ’em?
i dunno…
guess i’ve just…
grown to accept.

normally i would be upset
about
some of the shit that’s shifted
but i honestly can’t
EVEN
begin to find
some sort of reason to care about
this.mundane.stereotypical.hypocritical.
bullshit right now.

i…
i mean all i can do is live my life how i see is best for me and…
if you’re down for the ride, GREAT.
if not?
hope you enjoyed your stay. *chucks deuces*

tired of putting myself out there
& just
being misunderstood or
walking on eggshells feeling
as if
i need
to
not be me in order for us
we
our friendship
acquaintence
thing
semblance of whatever to
work on the terms of
whoever
whatever
whyever should i…
*sigh*

the shit is stupid. twenty-eight…
& still having these
moments of self-doubt
confusion
disain
anger
numbness.
wash. rinse. repeat (no KC).

ugh.
just feel so disjointed.
hence the layout of this
post.

not looking for feedback.
validation.
smoke blown up ass because
the fact remains.
i know what kind of person i am. (& it’s sad that you don’t)

loving.kind.friendly.
bitchy.moody.
down for whatever.
loyal to my friends.
allergic to bullshittery. fauxfriendliness. backstabbery.
disinterested in making or
collecting
enemies.frenemies. or
some such nonsense.
into building genuine relationships.
helping build.
not tearing down.
basking in positivity
because negativity (while easier)
is not the look.

to the real ones: you know who you are. thank you for keeping me here.
to the transients: make up your mind. love it or leave me alone.
to the past: thank you. no hard feelings. no love lost.
to futures: good luck.
to those in purgatory: it’s all about choices. wheat from chaff. weeds from flowers.

On Pride & falling…

How many of you have heard the phrase “Pride comes before the fall…” or something similar? That is a complete misquote, btw. This morning I was trying to remember the exact quote about pride & falling and apparently I (& a host of other people) have been incorrect in our phrasing. The correct quote is derived from a Biblical passage in the 16th chapter of the book of Proverbs (!!!) that states:

17 The highway of the upright avoids evil;
he who guards his way guards his life.

18 Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall.

ganked from a New International Version translation

Today, I found myself in a precarious situation. Scratch that, about three months ago I found myself in a precarious situation. Instead of taking heed of the signs that were consistently showing themselves to me, I ignored them in the hopes that I was possibly overreacting to the situation and things would right themselves sooner rather than later. Giving myself a big ol’ o_0 for that foolish train of thought.

Now I find myself in a situation where I need to swallow my pride & go crawling back to someone whose help I thought I would never need again. *sigh* Yet, as much as I know I need to do this, I just can’t bring myself to actually do it. There’s nothing like feeling like you’ve made a pretty big mistake, but dreading trying to fix it. The “I told you so”s are inevitable. Because apparently my main goal in life is to associate with people who love to throw shit back in my face after I try something different and it doesn’t work out.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been grappling with the fact that I need to put my pride aside. I know it’s the right decision, but it’s just not the easiest. Every difficult decision that I have ever had to make in my life usually ends up being the one that is most beneficial in the long run. While I do initially regret the decisions, later reflection shows me that I did what was needed.

See here’s the thing. I think I need to quit my job. Actually it’s more like I know I need to before I end up in a bad position. Without going into too much detail, there have been a lot of disruptions in my place of employment recently that lead me to believe that by summer’s end I’ll have to be on the hunt again. Rather than getting caught with my pants down, I’ve decided to be proactive in my job hunt. It was suggested to me that I call one of my old superiors at the place that majors in careers to see if I could go back there and…*sigh*

Here’s the thing. When I left, the person under whose direct supervision I was said “you’ll be back, they all come back.” Really pissed me off because I don’t like when people make assumptions like that. In all honesty, I don’t want to go back there. I’d rather be FUNemployed before returning back to that place, but I know that if push comes to shove & I hafta swallow that pride and return…I’ll never hear the end of it.

Shit.

This will be stream of consciousness as I just now in this moment decided to blog.

Points of precipitation perched precariously poised to tumble torpidly*…

I’m hella transparent in this space, so I feel as if I can share this w/ y’all. All of a sudden I just got really sad. Like right now I’m sitting in my cubicle at work on the verge of tears.

I don’t know why it just hit me like a ton of bricks, but I’m just sick. Sick of the insecurity. Sick of the unknown. Sick of the disappointment. Sick of the failures. Sick of the feeling insignificant. SICK OF IT ALL.

My job sucks. *sigh* There, I’ve said it aloud. I went from one bad situation to one that I feel like is even worse. Proof that once again, the grass isn’t always greener. I was pretty much fooled into thinking things would be better than they actually are. SURPRISE! Me falling for the okey doke once again. You would think I would be able to recognize when people are blowing smoke up my arse, but apparently…notsomuch.

I feel like an ungrateful brat complaining when one of my good friends just got laid off unexpectedly & is in the trenches looking for a gig after working @ her place for 5+ yrs. But, my lord, is it too much to ask to be if not fulfilled then at least occupied by one’s work. I feel unneeded, unnecessary, & out of place at this gig.

Problem is, I don’t know what to do though. I can’t quit because…yeah, no. I’m too caught up in how I’ll be perceived if I complain about this place, so I’ve been pasting on the happy facade like everything is all good, but nah…not really. Still in a dead end job w/ nothing to do all day but play FarmVille & tweet & surf the innawebs & *sigh*…

*Word of the day, FTW!