My Mother Part Deux

My mother is the most exasperating person I know. She will call me up to complain about every aspect of her life for hours on end. Being the (mostly) good daughter I am, I listen as she runs down countless things that are going wrong. Most I know by rote, but I listen sympathetically with an interjection here and there of an uplifting nature. We have never had a Lorelei/Rory Gilmore sort of relationship. There were times when we were thick as thieves and others when we were frenemies. My friends IRL have heard me complain countless times about this, that, or the other that my ma did to tick me off. Sometimes I was blowing things out of proportion and other times she did some really foul shit. All in all, she is my mother and I love her. I would never wish harm upon her head and would probably lose my mind if anything were to happen to her.

Which is why I am losing my mind now. As I wrote before, my mother has to undergo a biopsy of some nodes which may or may not be cancerous. The biopsy was yesterday.I spent the night with my mother the night before at her request. I was under the impression that the procedure was at 7am, but it actually wasn’t until 9:30am. She told me that it was dumb early because she knew I wouldn’t object to her asking me to stay the night with her beforehand. She was nervous. I could tell. Fidgety, moving around, asking me if I wanted a sandwich eleventy billion times even thought she knows I don’t eat meat anymore. She just wanted someone there. Didn’t want to be alone. So I told her to sat down and stop pacing. We talked, laughed, cried a little, and then went to bed. Before sleeping, I told her that everything was going to be alright and to stay strong.

My Auntie D and I were there in the morning to take her to the hospital. My Auntie D stayed through the entire procedure. I had an appointment so I was unable to stay. I kept in touch by text/phone calls though until she was out and on the way home. To be honest, the reason I didn’t stay wasn’t just beacuse of the appointment. Even though it was a simple outpatient procedure, I was still freaked the hell out. Dude! Somebody was cutting into my mommy and diggin’ ’round ta find stuff? I’m supposed to be okay with that?! NO! Even when I saw her after the procedure all bandaged, I had to take a moment to myself. I don’t even wanna see the incision because I will prolly pass out.

I stayed with her last night and will probably go sit with her a few hours after I leave the gig tonight. I just spoke with her on the phone and apparently we will get the results tomorrow. I thought it was supposed to take three days, but guess not. I am hoping like hell that the cells are not cancerous and it’s something that’s easily treatable. If not, I am likely to go stone cold out of my mind.

Tonight, before you get too deep into your REM cycle, please sent a shout up to the Big Guy asking him to keep continued watch over our family and heal whatever this may be in quick succession.

My Mother

I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to share this. I do not have any definitive news. People have been telling me not to claim it. I am a realist though. When things are pointing in a specific direction, more often that not things end up going in that direction. Right now I’m being incredibly vague and secret squirrely so let me back it up.

A couple weeks ago I got a call from my mom while I was on my way home from work. She’s frantic and I can barely understand her. I get her to calm down and she tells me that she’s at the Urgent Care Center near the mall. She went in because of a pain in her side and now they’re sending her to the hospital. At the Urgent Care center, they did an x-ray of the area and saw some spots. They weren’t quite sure what the spots were, so they needed to do a cat scan. She was being very vague with me at this point, so I’m freaking out. I get to the Urgent Care Center, pick her up, and we head to the Hospital.

Worst. Experience. EVAR!!!!! Firstly, let em say this. I have never had any problems with [county I live in] Central Hospital before this incident. It’s not like [county in which Chicago is ensconced] Hospital. Usually we’re in and out with no incident. Doctors are kind, professional, courteous, and have incredible beside manner. Nurses are competant, jolly, personable, lovely people. On the day that we went, both doctors and nurses were the antithesis of everything I named up there (with the exception of Nurse Tish. She was La Bomba Explosiva! <3 her so much!). We ended up being in the ER from about 6p-midnight. The ER doc says, "Oh everything is fine from the CATscan. But do follow up with this thoracic surgeon/oncologist." JIGGA WHAAAAAA???? Dude, everything is NOT fine if I am following up with oncology. Yes, the doctor was also a thoracic specialist, but I heard oncology and I had tunnel vision. I am making a big assumption, but for those who don’t know oncology = cancer. I wanted to dead faint, but couldn’t because I still had to drive my mom to her car, follow her home to make sure she made it there alright, and then drive to my house five minutes away. A week passes and my mom followed up with the other doctor and called me like, “Oh everything’s okay, they just want to do another CATscan to make sure”. Well a couple days after she tells me that, I get a phone call from my cousin that begins like, “I don’t want to alarm you but. . .” [Wait, I have a quick tangent speaking of that. Why in the hell do people call you with news that they know is going to cause you to flip out and add that as a precursor. Tha hell?! Just tell me. Antywayz. . .] She goes on to say that my aunt (who is an RN for the last 20+ years) went to the doctor with my mom and is worried. Auntie D (who went with my mom) then calls Auntie H on the verge of tears. Apparently, the doctor saw lymph nodes across her chest/stomach regions from the CATscan. My cousin tells me some other things that I don’t quite hear and I hang up with her. After *wall sliding*, I call Veep and weep in her ear before realizing that it was probably improper for me to call her on the gig phone. She reassures me that it’s perfectly fine, but I still feel bad so I ring off. I then call one half of AK47 (the BFFs). She’s just getting back from vacation, but calms me down some more. I’m still freaking out, but not as much as I was before. I wound up speaking with my Auntie D a few hours later. She gave me the laymans version of what was going down with my mom. The thing that makes her so nervous is that if the nodes are found to be malignant and she does have cancer, then it has already begun to spread. At this point, I am about to have a complete meltdown. I was so upset that my mom was keeping me in the dark about this whole thing. I talked to the other half of AK47 that night and she helps me see things from an angle to which I was previously blinded. My mother goes in for an outpatient surgery on the 20th. They are going to extract some of the lymph nodes and perform a biopsy. I’m nervous and scared as shit. My mother is a smoker of. . .shit prolly close to 30+ years. She recently stopped smoking. Her father died of lung cancer. Her sister is in remission from Breast Cancer. People keep telling me, “Ooh girl don’t claim it!” But that’s a hard thing to do when you look at the situation objectively. I am hoping like hell for a benign test result. They said it takes three days after the biopsy for them to get the results. I am not sure if they mean 3 business days or 3 calendar days, but I will be on pins and needles until 5/26.

Gat damn you Ofrah!

Alternately titled, “My dumbass would go to KFC during free chicken week. . .”

After failed tennis lessons, I decide that I wanna be on some fat ish and get some pizza. So I’m driving home and I see the KFC/Pizza Hut. NOT THINKING, I zipped my happy ass into the parking lot and decided to get it from there. How in zee bleu hell did I forget that Our Lady of Housewives (aka Op.rah) partnered up with KFC to give away free chickens?! Drive-thru was packed! The line inside was not that long, so I decided to suffer through. I ended up being in there for about 40 minutes. I wouldn’t, however, take those 40 minutes back for the WORLD! I had the best laugh I’ve had in AGES during my stint on line.

Shortly after I got in the line, the manager announced that they were running low on chicken and there would be a 50 minute wait on the next batch. (J’s note: The time is about 5:40ish) There is a woman who is about the 4th person in line who asks, “How long is fiddy minits? Is that an hour?” It was right then and there that I knew my wait would not be in vain. Miss Shirley* would give me something to get me through this wait! And oh, she did! The following happened.

Miss Shirley: Ooh fiddy minits, uh uhn honay! We cain’t be waiting dat long. Les’ go!

[Miss Shirley & daughter begin to walk off]

[Another patron says something to her. what? I am not sure]

Miss Shirley: Oh fiddy minits is less than an hour?! Okay, honay, we can stay. Go’n git back in line.

[Cashier takes care of people in front of Miss Shirley & now it’s her turn]

Miss Shirley: [Proudly hands over her coupon]

Cashier: Do you want original or extra crispy? [In an effort to get people the hell out, they’re giving away regular chicken.]

Miss Shirley: Honay, I wants that grilled chicken. Das what I camed here fo’.

Cashier: Ma’am, it’s going to be a 50 minute wait on that chicken.

Miss Shirley: Well it should be less that that now, ain’t it? I been standing here a while.

[J’s note: 3 minutes have elapsed from the time he said 50 minute wait til Miss Shirley gets her turn in line]

Cashier: About 50 minutes still, ma’am.

Miss Shirley: Aw hell! You mean I got to be here til 7:30?! (J’s note: Please refer back to time I gave earlier. I’ll wait. . .) Waitin’ on dat chicken? I cain’t be in here all night! [snatches coupon back] We come back tomorra!

On the way out there’s a woman in front of me, she walks over to the lady and is like, “GUHL, dey said is gon be fiddy minits for dat grilled chicken!!!” The lady just ignores her and looks sort of embarassed.

I about DIED of laughter. I could barely hold it in until she got out of the door. People were looking at me like I was insane because I was relaying the whole exchange to The Nurse over the phone and laughing so damn hard. I couldn’t help myself. Thank you, Miss Shirley. You made my otherwise shiteous day have a happy ending! 🙂