Beautifully Young. . .

Today is not my day. I woke up with justenough time to make it to work on time. Then I was seeing double because I missed breffast & had no cash on me to get something from the caf @ work. Now, I’m struggling with a migraine & I have a show to attend (Estelle & Solange!!!!) tonight @ a standing room only venue. ARGH x15!

At any rate, I was sitting here at work minding my own business when onto my Windows Media Player shuffled “Sweet Memory (Beautifully Young)” by Vivian Green (link to lyrics). I got SO verklempt while listening to this song today. I’ve heard it countless times before, but today I guess it’s the first time I realized how close the lyrics hit to home.

From age 15 to about 22ish, I was in an off-and-on “relationship” with a guy I grew up with. . .Steven. He was my first love if I’m being perfectly honest with myself. We played the friends game. Then moved onto friends with benefits. Has a disastrous run attempt at trying to be in a relationship. Finally ended up getting into it so badly that we haven’t spoken since that last time. So this song comes on and I am in my cube bawling silently (don’t judge me lol!) If I’m being real with myself, no one I’ve dated in the aftermath has come close to him. I think I’ve built up what we had in my mind to such a highly unattainable level that it’s hard for me to give other people a fair shake.

You were so funny, had me in stiches
Now any man I date must make me laugh
You kissed me in places thought I was going to hell
Secrets I would never tell my momma then
But you were so sweet
Didn’t take my virginity
But you saw the good in me
Even talked about marrying me
The future we tried to see
We were not suppose to pass
Now everything doesn’t last
I wanted to say hey how you doin these days
I guess I don’t know you no more
I wonder how much you’ve changed
Would we have the same chemistry?
Could you still make me laugh?
Could we still have a blast?
Are you happy? Have you’ve done all thing to wanted to?
One thing I want to do is to see you and just chill, just talk and reminisce
It would make me so happy if we could do this

Okay, Viv, that’s what you do? You sing my whole relationship in one verse? Because this describes everything we had and everything I’d love to say to him now. The chances of me running into him are slim to none these days though because he’s moved on literally and metaphorically. He’s living somewhere in the deep South now & the mutual friend that I used to ask about his every move get information from is no longer a friend. I found out that she was a snake & lied to both he and I about some important information that ultimately lead to our demise.

So I’ve been sitting here thinking about how this whole situation ended for the worse and how it has affected my relationships that came after. I recently had lunch with one of my BFFs and we were talking about my relationship status. She said to me, “Well friend, if you opened up and let people in once in a while, maybe things would be different.” She has a point. Since the whole Steven debacle, I’ve kept guys at a comfortable distance. I never want to get too attached. I figure it’s easier for my heart this way. Except, notsomuch. . .

An open letter to Joshua Scott (JC) Chasez

Whas good Josh,

I hope this letter finds you well. I also hope that you do not take offense to me greeting you in such a familiar manner. I know we don’t know each other personally (hell you don’t even know me), but that’s neither here nor there. Let me get the fangirl gushing out of the way. I absolutely adore you, dude! From your days on the MMC playing Wipeout (and singing beautiful duets with Tony Lucca) to the reign of *NSYNC to your short lived solo career (“Build My World”? Makes me melt everytime I hear it!) This letter is not, however, to sing your praises. It’s a letter of chastisement.

Judging ABDC? Really, Josh?! This is what your main gig is these days and you’re okay with that? Well, I’m not! I prefer hearing your singing voice as opposed to your speaking voice. Also, I am not sure what exactly makes you an authority on dance. Did Darrin & Wade teach you that much? I dun tink so! Plus, I’ve seen your dancing. You’ve got rhythm. . .I’ll give you that & that’s all.

Today marks exactly 5 years since your first (and only) solo album was released. The world was not ready for Schizophrenic then, I get that. You were received in a lukewarm manner and this may have put a damper on your spirit. You have to dust yourself off and try again though, brother! Take a look at the past and learn from your mistakes. Pick a sound and stick to it. I’d give anything to hear a new song from you, man! At work, I listen to music all day. Whenever an *NSYNC song or one of your solo jawns comes on, I sigh. Then I lament aloud, “When’s Josh gonna release some new music? I’m tired of only seeing him on ABDC!”

Are you holding out for an *NSYNC reunion or something? Well babes, that is NOT going to happen because your douchebag friend has (allegedly) decided that since his star has eclipsed *NSYNC and that this will never happen. Joey isn’t resting on his laurels waiting on a reunion. He’s doing his thang all ovah the place! (Love you, Phat One! *kisses*) I have no idea what Chris & Lance are doing, but really. . .who cares? They never really counted in my book, to be honest. I know they’re your friends and all, but they couldn’t touch the 3 Js in my book.

As a matter of fact, here’s an idea. Go find your boy, Tony Lucca. (Here’s a hint: He’ll be at Schubas in Chicago on 3/2 [I’ll be there, too!] & 3/3 supporting Sara Bareilles) Tell Tony, “Dude let’s get in the studio and create an album. No hype, no gloss, no pretense, just me. . .stripped (shout out to Christina Aguilera).” Record said album and release independently. Your real fans will appreciate the effort. We will embrace the music.

:: le sigh:: Think about it, kay?

Smooches,
J.Nicole

This too shall pass: Inspired of India Arie

My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears

This morning I woke up in a mood. I was unbearably sad for seemingly no reason. I had no desire to go to work. I just wanted to stay home and wallow in these feelings of self-pity, doubt, loathing, etc. Unfortunately, this is not an option as I would not like to use all of my PTO within the first couple months of the year. I was already taking a half day tomorrow anyway. I convinced myself to get out of bed & went about my morning toilette. I stopped a few times to wipe a few errant tears, but muddled through and prepared for work.

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

I get into my car and I am not feeling much better. The weather outside is crappy and it is reflected in my attitude for the day. The sky is overcast & so is my heart. It feels ridiculously heavy and I am sighing in defeat every few minutes. The morning show that usually gets me out of whatever funk I am in is utterly ridiculous and annoying today. The sound of the main host’s voice makes me want to kick puppies and squish kittens. I am not in the mood for any of it. I drive the rest of the commute in almost silence. I can still hear thoughts rattling around in my head. I resolve to go to work and do just that. Work all day. Talk to no one. Pray that 9 hours speed by.

My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain’t happening the way I want it
Feel like I’m about to break down
can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass

Yeah that doesn’t work. I get here and I just don’t want to be here. That half day for Friday? Has been reworked into a total mental health day. Turned on the Windows Media Player and put this song on repeat. Kicking it with the Veep & AE @ the Auto Show and Thomas’ party in Boyztown (we’re such hags lmao) later on? Not so much. I’m in this Debbie Downer mood and I don’t want to be around my friends feeling like this. I try to cancel plans with Veepy & AE, but they’re not having it at all. “You’re going, friend! You need to be around positivity to get you out of this funk!” “Yeah, besides, I learned how to make my booty clap like the strippers last night at this class I’m taking! I’ll teach you. Lift your spirits and your glutes!” I love my friends! I smile, laugh momentarily, but am still down in the dumps. Still listening to India on repeat.

All of a sudden I realized
That it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
This too shall pass…
I hear the angels whisper that trouble don’t have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper
This too shall pass

This above part comes on and it clicks within me like a lightbulb. Duh, Jeanette. . .this too shall pass. Why am I sad? Home life. Job shit. Man (or lack thereof) issues. Feeling unfulfilled. Lack of personal satisfaction. Lack of professional satisfaction. Weight control issues. Life just is too much. Do I let it defeat me? Do I get so overwhelmed that I am consumed with the negative parts of my life and let them take over? Or do I try to regain control over things I’ve let spin out of control while realzing that there are some things that are just beyond.

I get so fucking caught up in my own madness that I lose sight of what is important. Is my life that bad? No, not at all. It’s just not exactly what I want right now. I keep saying that I am going to change the things that I want to, but then I get lazy. Or bored. Or the fear sets in. What if I can’t do this? What if my dreams are too big? Who am I to think that I can do anything but what I am doing right now?

This quarterlife crisis shit is no joke. I need to be real with myself and decide what it is that I want out of life exactly & go for it. Saying it is MUCH easier than doing it. What’s the saying? “Don’t talk about it, be about it”, right? This has to become my life’s motto now. Along with this too shall pass. . .

Officially. . .

To me, this song is perfection. If you’re my friend on Facebook, then you’ll know that I’ve been listening to Tamia all day. I have all of her albums (and random soundtrack songs) on my PC at work, so I’ve been JAMMING ON THE ONE, SON! I swear I do not get why she is so damned underrated. She’s gorgeous! She can SANG her face off (as evidenced in the above vid)! She’s married to an awesome baller! They have two adorable little princesses! What else does she need? LOL It must be because she is Canadian because I often wonder this same thing about Deborah Cox and that is their only common link, haha! I digress though. All in all, I love she!

I remember the first time I heard “Officially Missing You”. I was down in E’Ville at my apartment in Cougar Village (417 1A, what up!!!) bumming around on the internet when I read that Tamia had a new song out. I was hellas excited because it was TOO long since A Nu Day (My fave Tamia album) & I was in need of some new ‘Mia. I went to her official site and the song was streaming. From the first “mmmmmmm” I was HOOKT! I didn’t have any of the knowledge I do now, so I was at a loss for how to capture the audio from the stream. I used the janky lil sound recorder from Windows and my mic to capture the audio. I had to do it so many times and my final copy of the song still had an IM sound in it somewhere. I listened to that song at least 100 times that day and sent my lil janky link to everyone I knew like “*Beyonce voice* LISSSSSSEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNN!!!!!” Everyone wasn’t as excited about it as I was, but whateva. To this day, I hear the initial guitar chords and I get excited. The video below is another of my faves! Simply amazazing!

ChristopherRobyn

Last night, I watched the Grammy’s. I hadn’t planned on it, but I went out to Wheaton and Joey talked me into it. At any rate, imagine my surprise when Ryan Secrest started yammering about Chris Breezy & RobynRihanna both cancelling their appearances last minute because of some altercation that happened after Clive Davis’ Grammy party the night before. I picked my jaw up off the ground and tried to make sense of the whole thing, but I couldn’t. ryan had sketchy details, at best, so finding out the real truth was hard as hell. I was all ovah the gossip blogs trying to find out what was going on and no one knew. Of course my family & I speculated about what happened and made up our own version of events. We weren’t really taking things seriously until someone said, “She was probably poppin’ off at the mouth and deserved to be hit for talkin’ sideways.” I WENT OFF! I don’t care if she said he was bad in bed, had a lil peen, breath stank, and his momma is a gutterbutt trollop, that was no reason for him to strike pon de forehead, if that is indeed what happened.

When it comes to man/woman relationships, there are two things by which I cannot abide. The first is infidelity. I’m pretty much done with and lose all respect for people who cheat. I think that they are cowards because they always find a reason why they can’t leave, but really is staying and effing someone else helping the situation? HELLS NO. The second thing is abuse. This includes all forms: mental, physical, psychological (which really is the same as mental, I guess?), etc. The minute a man seeks to either negate my existence or raises his hand to strike down anywhere pon me? It’s a done bun. The next blog would be coming from one of my friends telling you to watch out for my episode of Snapped.

I was in an abusive relationship once. Surprise, (real life) friends! It never escalated to a physical level. THANK GOD! But I definitely endured my fair share of mental/emotional abuse. At the time I was young, dumb, and desperately seeking someone to validate my existence. I cannot recall the number of times that I was told that I was stupid, fat, and lucky to be with him, etc. Since I’d not had many other suitors, I automatically assumed that he was right. He was the only male who paid me any attention romantically, so his word was law. Boy was I wrong, lol! It took reconnecting with an old friend in whom I confided for me to see the error of my ways. Since then, I have been especially careful with the amount of influence I allow any man to have over my life, relationship or not.

I’ve never really been a Chris Brown fan and I could take or leave RobynRihanna to tell the truth, but this speculation about the alleged abuse has really touched me to the core. Wrong is wrong. If Christopher did indeed lay hands on RihRih, I hope everything he touches from now on fails miserably. It should never escalate to the point in a relationship where one partner has to lay hands on another during a disagreement. Walk away, do some deep breathing, something! Remove yourself from the situation until you have calmed and can handle the conflict in a reasonable manner.

. . .and stuff.

After this session, I think I am done with graduate school for a bit. I can’t fake the funk much longer. Yes, it’s a great opportunity because it’s free and all but, eh. I’ve been halfassing this whole session. I don’t even remember opening the book once to read assigned chapters. Despite not putting forth any effort, I am still getting an A. Jigga what? I don’t quite understand. This is reminiscent of my earliest days in school. I’ve always been “the smart one” and get bored easily. When this boredom sets it, I get lazy and begin to slack.

One of my most and least favorite memories of my childhood involves a situation in which my smartness came back to bite me on the hindparts. 🙂 We had this program called “Star Reader”. In this program, you read a book and then wrote a book report on said book. At the end of the program, the classroom that had the most reports won a pizza party and everyone in the class got free tickets to Six Flags. (At age 8 I’d never been to Six Flags so this was something that really spurred me on to help my class win.) It’s no secret that I love to read. It’s been this way since I began reading at age 3. I get lost in books and forget everything else that’s going on in the world. Also, in these days my memory was a LOT better than it is currently.

So one day I was at the crib, sitting at the kitchen table with a stack of book reports. My dad comes in and asks what I’m doing. I explain the Star Reader program and all of the prizes/perks. He looks at my stack of reports (which has to be about 6 deep at this point) and says, “You’ve read all of these this week?” My reply, “Well no. . .but I have read these books. I’m not just making up stuff.” Daddy says, “You know that’s cheating, right?” Eight year old J, sassily replies, “*eye roll* No it’s not, Daddy. I just told you that I read these books, man! *smacks lips*”

Needless to say because of all of my extra theatrics, I got my butt whiiiiiipped! LOL I also had to go to school the next day and apologize for “cheating” with my reports. Every report I turned in after that had to be verified by Mom or Dad before I could turn it in. LOL I remember being SO pissed at my father about the whole situation. He still likes to tell that story to this day. I was such a willful little girl, haha!

At any rate, I’m bored & I’m quitting grad school. That pretty much sums it up.