Today is not my day. I woke up with justenough time to make it to work on time. Then I was seeing double because I missed breffast & had no cash on me to get something from the caf @ work. Now, I’m struggling with a migraine & I have a show to attend (Estelle & Solange!!!!) tonight @ a standing room only venue. ARGH x15!
At any rate, I was sitting here at work minding my own business when onto my Windows Media Player shuffled “Sweet Memory (Beautifully Young)” by Vivian Green (link to lyrics). I got SO verklempt while listening to this song today. I’ve heard it countless times before, but today I guess it’s the first time I realized how close the lyrics hit to home.
From age 15 to about 22ish, I was in an off-and-on “relationship” with a guy I grew up with. . .Steven. He was my first love if I’m being perfectly honest with myself. We played the friends game. Then moved onto friends with benefits. Has a disastrous run attempt at trying to be in a relationship. Finally ended up getting into it so badly that we haven’t spoken since that last time. So this song comes on and I am in my cube bawling silently (don’t judge me lol!) If I’m being real with myself, no one I’ve dated in the aftermath has come close to him. I think I’ve built up what we had in my mind to such a highly unattainable level that it’s hard for me to give other people a fair shake.
You were so funny, had me in stiches
Now any man I date must make me laugh
You kissed me in places thought I was going to hell
Secrets I would never tell my momma then
But you were so sweet
Didn’t take my virginity
But you saw the good in me
Even talked about marrying me
The future we tried to see
We were not suppose to pass
Now everything doesn’t last
I wanted to say hey how you doin these days
I guess I don’t know you no more
I wonder how much you’ve changed
Would we have the same chemistry?
Could you still make me laugh?
Could we still have a blast?
Are you happy? Have you’ve done all thing to wanted to?
One thing I want to do is to see you and just chill, just talk and reminisce
It would make me so happy if we could do this
Okay, Viv, that’s what you do? You sing my whole relationship in one verse? Because this describes everything we had and everything I’d love to say to him now. The chances of me running into him are slim to none these days though because he’s moved on literally and metaphorically. He’s living somewhere in the deep South now & the mutual friend that I used to
ask about his every move get information from is no longer a friend. I found out that she was a snake & lied to both he and I about some important information that ultimately lead to our demise.
So I’ve been sitting here thinking about how this whole situation ended for the worse and how it has affected my relationships that came after. I recently had lunch with one of my BFFs and we were talking about my relationship status. She said to me, “Well friend, if you opened up and let people in once in a while, maybe things would be different.” She has a point. Since the whole Steven debacle, I’ve kept guys at a comfortable distance. I never want to get too attached. I figure it’s easier for my heart this way. Except, notsomuch. . .