Alternately titled, “Getting my Izzie Stevens on. . .”
I’m over here like the above picture of Dr. Isobel Stevens. Picture me lying on that bathroom floor. Except I wouldn’t be caught dead in a dusty rose frock because that color does nothing for me at all. Let’s say the dress is more of a deep magenta color. I’m also changing the soundtrack. “Lullaby” by the Dixie Chicks is a pretty song, but I’m more in the “Irvine” by Kelly Clarkson mode. Position would be a bit more fetal and I’d probably make a towel pillow as well as tile has a way of getting incredibly cold! I digress, as always, so let me steer this right back on track. I’m lying on my metaphorical bathroom floor in mourning. No one in my circle has passed on (Thank God!), so no need to clutch your pearls, offer condolences, etc. I’m mourning the death of my life and by extension, my identity.
The Veep and I had an email heart to heart last week. We were talking about something completely unrelated, but eventually ended up talking about feeling like we’ve lost our sense of self. This quarter-life crisis stuff has some merit, I suppose. I talked so much smack to That Dude (who I’m kinda missing, but let’s gloss over that) when he brought it up in conversation.
I’ve been feeling really restless and frustrated with my life in its current state. I’ve slipped into a monotonous routine and it’s killing my spirit. Monday-Friday it’s the same thing: Work-School-Sleep-Repeat. Once in a while I’ll spice things up with a visit to my cousins on the way home from work. Weekends are dedicated to homework and mundane household tasks. From time to time, I’ll get invited to a gathering and let my hair down. Those occasions are becoming fewer and far less frequent in present days. For the most part though, I am
becoming a recluse.
It’s especially sad because I am in my prime right now. In my late 20s, single, no chirren, and free to do what I want to do (within reason). Yet, I feel like I am losing my edge. I’m fading into the background without putting up a fight. This is NOT me! I hate to write all of these ‘woe is me’ blogs, but I’m in a really introspective place right now. Things that I thought to be true about myself previously are not upon further reflection. Things that I thought were true about people in my life turned out to be false upon further inspection. People with whom I thought I’d formed inpenetrable (sp?) bonds are fading out of my life and I’m not processing it well. People with whom I thought I had nearly nothing in common are becoming more significant parts of my life.
So you may ask, “Well J, whaddya gonna do about this imminent death of life?” To which I’d reply, “Oxymoronic much?” 🙂 It’s simple (in theory)! I’m going to try my damndest to not let it come to fruition. Get my behind in gear and not just sit back and accept what’s happening. I want to become more social. Meet some new people. Have a gang of new experiences. I want to laugh, cry, live, learn, grow, eat, sleep, sleep (nudge, wink),fall, rise. . . I want to become the phenomenal woman that I know I am capable of being.
I see this year in an optimistic light. A year of change, growth, hope. I don’t want to remain stagnant and content. I want to push myself to the limit. When I think I can’t take any more, I’ll keep pushing through instead of shrinking back.