Damn this bathroom floor is cold!

Alternately titled, “Getting my Izzie Stevens on. . .”

I’m over here like the above picture of Dr. Isobel Stevens. Picture me lying on that bathroom floor. Except I wouldn’t be caught dead in a dusty rose frock because that color does nothing for me at all. Let’s say the dress is more of a deep magenta color. I’m also changing the soundtrack. “Lullaby” by the Dixie Chicks is a pretty song, but I’m more in the “Irvine” by Kelly Clarkson mode. Position would be a bit more fetal and I’d probably make a towel pillow as well as tile has a way of getting incredibly cold! I digress, as always, so let me steer this right back on track. I’m lying on my metaphorical bathroom floor in mourning. No one in my circle has passed on (Thank God!), so no need to clutch your pearls, offer condolences, etc. I’m mourning the death of my life and by extension, my identity.

The Veep and I had an email heart to heart last week. We were talking about something completely unrelated, but eventually ended up talking about feeling like we’ve lost our sense of self. This quarter-life crisis stuff has some merit, I suppose. I talked so much smack to That Dude (who I’m kinda missing, but let’s gloss over that) when he brought it up in conversation.

I’ve been feeling really restless and frustrated with my life in its current state. I’ve slipped into a monotonous routine and it’s killing my spirit. Monday-Friday it’s the same thing: Work-School-Sleep-Repeat. Once in a while I’ll spice things up with a visit to my cousins on the way home from work. Weekends are dedicated to homework and mundane household tasks. From time to time, I’ll get invited to a gathering and let my hair down. Those occasions are becoming fewer and far less frequent in present days. For the most part though, I am becoming a recluse.

It’s especially sad because I am in my prime right now. In my late 20s, single, no chirren, and free to do what I want to do (within reason). Yet, I feel like I am losing my edge. I’m fading into the background without putting up a fight. This is NOT me! I hate to write all of these ‘woe is me’ blogs, but I’m in a really introspective place right now. Things that I thought to be true about myself previously are not upon further reflection. Things that I thought were true about people in my life turned out to be false upon further inspection. People with whom I thought I’d formed inpenetrable (sp?) bonds are fading out of my life and I’m not processing it well. People with whom I thought I had nearly nothing in common are becoming more significant parts of my life.

So you may ask, “Well J, whaddya gonna do about this imminent death of life?” To which I’d reply, “Oxymoronic much?” 🙂 It’s simple (in theory)! I’m going to try my damndest to not let it come to fruition. Get my behind in gear and not just sit back and accept what’s happening. I want to become more social. Meet some new people. Have a gang of new experiences. I want to laugh, cry, live, learn, grow, eat, sleep, sleep (nudge, wink),fall, rise. . . I want to become the phenomenal woman that I know I am capable of being.

I see this year in an optimistic light. A year of change, growth, hope. I don’t want to remain stagnant and content. I want to push myself to the limit. When I think I can’t take any more, I’ll keep pushing through instead of shrinking back.

I am NOT Diana King.

Last weekend I went out for the first time since 1972. 🙂 Veep invited me to a coworker’s shindig and I accepted. We were going to the guy’s house for a gathering and then cabbing it to the bar. I wasn’t going to know anyone there but the Veep, AE, & Arielle, so I knew it’d be interesting. At any rate, it was hilarious. I met some interesting people, including one of whom I have a story about.

So this party was full of white folks. There was no better way for me to put that, lol. Veep, AE, Arielle, & I were the only sistas present. There was one black guy there who we immediately christened Token. We’re so wrong, lol. I mentioned that this was a coworker of Veep’s shingdig, yes? So tons of people they worked with were there. At one point in the night, AE decided she wanted to make the rounds and take blackmail photos. She asked me to walk with and I did. So we’re moving to the other side of the bar and we pass Token. He makes eye contact and does this lil wave motion. I wave and keep it movin’.

Throughout the night, we notice him staring at me. AE immediately starts clowning me, talmbout Token is my new man. I mean the brother is strategically sitting and standing around our table area and covertly (or at least he thought he was covert) staring at me. I’m getting creeped out and annoyed at the same time. Some other things happened that I don’t want to recount here, but eventually his friend (a tall cutie named Justin) is trying to talk for him and get me interested. I learn his name though Justin and also that he is VERY shy. During this exchange while Justin and I are talking, Token walks away. WTF? How are you interested and just walk away? I. dont. get. it? When I was getting ready to leave, I hit him with his wave as I walked by. He reaches out and grabs my arm, pulling me into a hug, tellin me how nice it was to meet me. Tha hell?

This brings me full circle to my subject line, I am not Diana King. I don’t like a shy guy. I prefer for my guys to be more forward. Not overbearing and over the top, but at least confident enough to speak more than three words to me over the course of a night. Also? Staring at me from different vantage points throughout the night? Muy creepy brother.

Q&A

I was blog hopping and I found this. I thought it was sort of interesting, so I decided to do it. The source is at the bottom. 🙂

Are you happy with your blogging? If not, what changes do you want to make?

– I am not 100% with it only because I cannot seem to find my niche again. I began blogging in 2004 and I feel like I have not made any growth. If anything, I’ve regressed in ways. There was a time when I was excited about writing. I got a buzz from sharing my thoughts, feelings, ideas, pontifications, etc whether or not anyone was reading. Then as I moved about and started blogging in different places (myspace, my own domain, etc), I became painfully aware of people who were close to me IRL reading the blogs and I began to self-censor.

It started with an innocent comment made by a friend of a friend then grew to massive amounts of emails, texts, phone calls with people misinterpreting what I’ve said on the blog. So I began to get super vague in my descriptions and cut out the personal stuff. Believe it or not that made it worse. The vagueness lead to even more confusion. I just was so chuffed that I decided to stop blogging as a whole. The hiatus gave way to laziness and here we are now.

I also think that the lack of academic writing lead to a drop off in blog writings. When my brain is not being stimulated, the writing juices dry up like the Sahara. Innate creativity is completely gone. I’m thinking of actually going to the local community college and taking a couple of evening classes in fiction writing or creative writing of some sort. Try and get this train rollin’ once again. 🙂

Does blogging ever feel like a chore to you or is it always fun?

– I touched on this briefly in the previous question. Initially it was fun, but became a chore once I has to go all cloak and daggery with my postings. I think everyone who knows me on the outside (lol) should know that if I have something to say to you, I will say it directly. I do not have to hide behind my blog. Once I am able to let go and fully say what I want to again, then I believe it will be fun again. 🙂

Do people you know in real life blog? Do they use twitter?

– People I know IRL have blogged, but I think the only one who is still doing so currently is AllyPally. She updates her LJ every blue moon. Or it’s probably more like I travel over to LJ every blue moon and see updates from her, haha! At any rate, the people I hang out with aren’t really into the blogging thing. I have, however, managed to get my Secretary of Health and Human Services (ha!) hooked on Twitter! Some of my other friends that I talk to less frequently tweet as well.

Do you have any of your own unwritten rules of blogging?

– Again, I touched on this briefly in an earlier question. My biggest unwritten rule of blogging was to not get too personal for fear of IRL folks getting all in my biz. I’m prepared to throw that rule out of the window though. I feel as if my writing is lacking if it is not personal. I don’t want to feel like I have to create a subject to talk about when I really wanna talk about how last Saturday [Creatively Nicknamed Person that I know IRL] pissed me off.

Other than that, not really. It’s pretty much no holds barred. Is that how the phrase goes?

Do you judge posts by how many comments they receive?

– I judge my own sometimes. More specifically, if I want feedback on a particular subject I’ve posted about and get none. 🙁 I’m a Leo, I love attention (read: I’m a comment whore! LOL) Some people however, (for reasons I cannot fathom) like to text, call, or email me about things they’ve seen on the blog instead of just clicking the add a comment button. Please refrain. Comment me. I LOVE comments. 🙂

How much attention do you pay to your blog statistics?

– I added that Feedjit thingie over there because I was interested in knowing if I have any people who lurk and don’t comment, lol. It kinda puts their business on blast. Also, it shows me that I am not alone in wanting those David Alan Grier as Maya Angelou SNL skits to be put on the internet somewhere. I swear at least 50% of the people who pop up on the feedjit come directly to that post from google. C’mon NBC Universal, get with it!

Do you have any goals in mind for your blog?

– Right now, no. I plan to keep it as such. An outlet for my thoughts, feelings, viewpoints, narcissistic (sp?) ramblings, and such. 🙂

Do you reply to comments? If so, how? In the comments section or by email? Which do you prefer as a blog reader?

– I am guilty of not replying to comments sometimes. I’m not sure if people go back and reread the comment sections on posts that they already commented on. I should start responding though. I will. From now on. 🙂

Via here.