Reminsce.

I always think I spell that word in the title wrong. I promise you I sat here looking at it for about 5 minutes and haven’t bothered to go to Dictionary.com to make sure I spelled it right, lol. Anyway this ain’t that, as my aunt says, so I’m moving along. For the past two days, I’ve been listening to Anita Baker songs all day at work. Besides Janet, Anita Baker is the first artist that I can remember knowing almost all of her songs and the lyrics to them. I regret that I’ve not seen her in concert yet because I know it’d live up to all of my expectations. So as I was listening to Anita, one of my favorite songs by her (“Fairytales”) came on and I was in the zone. I can remember being like 7 or 8 and singing the hell outta this song whenever I heard it. I owned the Compositions album and played that song like it was going out of style. Yesterday I really sat and listened to the lyrics and I’m like, “What in the hell was I doing feeling that song at such a young age?”
Listen and you be the judge:
Fairy Tales (Edited Version) – Anita Baker

My family likes to tease me about this one song in particular that I loved as a young girl. Another questionable song for such a young child to LOVE, but apparently I was not your average child. The song in question is Jocelyn Brown’s “Somebody Else’s Guy”. My cousin was teasing me about this the other day, saying that as soon as I heard the opening line of “I can’t get off my high horse” that I’d be jamming. The hell? Why should I be jamming to a song about a woman who’s pining over a man who ain’t even available?

Again, listen to the words:
Somebody Elses Guy – Jocelyn Brown

Needless to say, I believe that these songs set a precedent for how I handle relationships now. Anita set me straight about thinking that some Prince Charming would ride in on his stallion and come to my rescue. Hell, a prince might not even come at all. Reality sucks. I want to believe in Prince Charming, Soulmates, The One and all that jazz, but deep down I really think that it’s a bunch of caca. That’s the cynicism inside of me I guess.

Then there’s the Jocelyn Brown song. Woo, boy where do I even begin with that? I’d like to think I’m above that, but my track record has proven that I always fall for the ones who aren’t available to me. Get so wrapped up in a dude and then find out that I’m the sideline ho (whaddup, Monica?). πŸ™ That’s so damn sad. I know that’s more of an internal issue with settling for whatever comes my way, no matter the consequence. I should be demanding more, but in some sick, twisted way do not think that I deserve that more. ::le sigh::

Perhaps I should be proactive and try to change all of these defects. Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step. It’s gonna be a long journey, but I’m determined to get there. Wish me luck! πŸ™‚

White boys. . .

Wow, now there’s a politcally correct/sensitive title, if I’ve ever heard it. πŸ™‚ Haha. There was simply no other title that fit this post. I couldn’t come up with anything that was coy or quirky or any other adjective that would apply here.

So I called Veep the other day and before she could even get the word “Hello” out of her mouth I said:

“Friend, we need to stage an intervention.”
“For what? For who? Explain. . .”
“Me, friend. I’m staging an intervention on myself. Girl, I have a growing, uncontrollable attraction to *whispers* white dudes!”
*gasps* “Friend, when did you cross over?!” *laughs uproariously*
“Girrrrrrl, I don’t know but they done started this new dude and I am ridiculously attracted to him! He has a fiance though.” *pouts*

We then went on to other topics that are not the focus of this blog, so no need to recount that part of the convo. πŸ˜‰ Nevertheless, I’ve been noticing it slowly, but surely, but now it’s full fledged. *clears throat* Attention: I find white men (as a whole) attractive. This may seem silly to announce or even dedicate a blog to, but whoever said I wasn’t silly? HAHA!

See, here’s the thing. It’s not like I didn’t find any White men attractive at all (see: my Justin Timberlake obsession affinity), but they were usually the universally attractive, entertainers that everyone knew (your Clooneys, Pitts, etc). There weren’t ever any White guys that I knew personally and were attracted to though. Nor where there any of the quirky off beat types in there. Now, however? I’m all about a Patrick StumpΒ or Seth Meyers. HOLLA!

So does this mean that my dating pool (and/or social circle) will widen? Probably not. I don’t think I’m the type that they find attractive, but that’s a whole ‘nother internal issue that I need to work on, so I’ma move along now. . .

Goodbye to Buddy and Hello to Something New.

I’ve started and stopped writing numerous blogs since last week, Monday. The words weren’t coming together quite right.

Thank you, Belle. Reading this made me realize that I can’t do this. I cannot get back into this endless cycle of ridiculousness that is Buddy. I should want more. I should think more of myself to demand more. However, I do not want that more from him. So the smart thing to do is to make his name Do Not Answer in my phone and follow that directive. I have little to no willpower, so this will be difficult. It’s for the best, though.

So Saturday night was Amy’s birthday. You know the girl from Veep’s birthday who I said I did not want to be involved with ever again? Yes, her. I got guilted into participating in her festivities. AE & the Veep double-teamed me. Plus, it gave me a reason to break out the RockBand and play with others. πŸ™‚ (There’s only so much I can do by myself. I cannot be a one woman band! Believe me, I tried!) The night was okay, I got to see Amy’s friend E whom I never see, but simply adore. Also, met some new people as lovejones (Veep’s boy) brought some of his friends along for the ride.

Somewhere along the way though, I just started having a bad night. At one point I just had to take a breather, get some fresh air. One of lovejones’ friends probably got offended because he asked “What’s good? You leavin’?” when I was taking my breather to which I responded, “Yeah dude, I’m just cool on this whole situation. I need to remove myself from it. I’ll be back though.” Which was truth. I could see that these dudes were sizing up the females in the room, trying to see to whom they could spit game. I’m SUPER cool on getting involved with a dude at this exact moment. After I figure some things out, come holla at me then, lol.

I’ve been feeling like crawling back into my little protective bubble and not hanging out with anyone for a good while. I’m feeling really bad right now and God knows why. I certainly have no reason to complain as I am gainfully employed, have a roof over my head, & wake up every morning without major issues plaguing me. But still. I’m just. . .I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s just every so often I get into a funk and there’s nothing that anyone (including myself) can say or do to coax me out of it. I just feel like there are some things that I have been battling internally that I need to stop gunnysacking and deal with head on. The problem with that is that it is simply too painful to be completely honest with myself. I see destructive patterns emerging and I am trying to eradicate them.

This is why I wish I had not moved back home from California. Granted, yes, it was a necessity, but a part of me feels like I should have just lived in my car, showered at the Y (lol), and struggled for a bit. Clearly, that isn’t sane thinking, BUT moving back home just hindered my independence. It put me back into this complacent environment where I have no desire to get up, get out, and do somethin’ (wasn’t that the jam back in the day? lol). Sure I’m going to Grad school, but that’s only because it’s free at my job. I am in no way passionate about my area of study (Human Resource Management), but it seemed to be the best option because I can’t afford to go to Grad school for real and study something that would really interest me.

So in the past when I’ve been feeling like this, the following happened. I will stop blogging (or post sporadically about random, meaningless drivel) for undetermined amount of time. Then I’ll come to some sort of epiphany (that really isn’t one, just a quick fix to make myself believe so). After that, I’ll spew the bullshit epiphany on this blog, claiming clarity and declaring to change my life’s path. Blah blah bullshit. LOL I’m going to try not to go down that path this time though.

Wish me luck!

I spoke him up.

I had an excellent weekend. My friend Jenny Rae invited me to go on a road trip to Grand Rapids, MI to go to the Kelly & Reba concert on Saturday, so I was kinda excited. It was my last real excursion for the year and I knew that I’d have fun with the group of folks that were going. After taking forever to meet up with J.Rae n’em, we got on the road. Concert was fabulous (2nd row thanks to J.Rae) and we left feeling pretty good. I met a ton of folks at dinner and was looking forward to continuing the party @ the hotel.

So one cherry bomb, two long islands, and one tall Blue Moon(man, I sound like an alchie. These happened at different parts of the night. Not all at once.) later, I realize that I don’t have my phone with me. I knew I’d been feeling like something was missing all night, but I couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was. At any rate, I left a friend’s room to go back to ours and get my phone. Looking through it, I realize I have a new text message. Of course, it’s from Buddy. I think the exact thing I said was “How? What? Why is he? Seriously?! No. Whyyyyy?!”, capped off with a pouty face. So I read it and he’s all, “So whatcha been up to, stranger?” It was from an hour or so before (at least I think so, I was all screwy with the time zone change), so I debate about replying back.

The alcohol (and slight giddiness, I won’t even lie) gets the best of me and I reply. Clearly, I knew why he was texting and felt conflicting emotions about it. On the one hand I was all “AHA! I knew you’d be back!” and on the other, “So you think you can just work your way back in my life, eh?” I keep up the conversation and we both agree that we should hang out soon to catch up. WTF? No we shouldn’t. Hanging out will lead to screwing and we’re back in that cycle that I’ve tried so hard to break and keep broken.

See here’s the thing. I do not want to be in a relationship of any sort right now. Ok, FWB is not quite a relationship, but you get my point. I am not trying to be involved with any dudes for the time being. I’m working through issues with how things went down with That Dude as well as previous damage from the Buddy situation. Am I ready to go down that road again? If I’m being honest, not really.

Speaking of That Dude, yeah. . .I kinda miss him, not gonna lie. He and I were never on a romantic level, but we did have our moments. Not everything about our friendship sucked, just the majority of it, lol. The funny thing is, though, I expected him to have some sort of rebuttal about his dismissal, but not a peep. Which speaks volumes. So should I really be missing him? Probably not at all, but tell it to my heart (Taylor Dayne, I see you!). I think that when a person is a constant presence in your life, it’s hard to quickly adapt to him not being there at all.

I’m sure there will be hijinks ensuing with the whole Buddy situation this weekend. I’m on deck to be present for someone I do not like’s birthday celebration and will surely need a breather once that is done. πŸ™‚ Oh now, off to the gym with me!

A few words.**

I didn’t work out yesterday. I couldn’t imagine trying to be in Bally’s for an hour with my eyes closed. I feel crappy, but it was for a greater cause. For me, avoiding all election talk was not about doubting that Barack Obama could become the nation’s first Black president. I wasn’t waiting on pins and needles, chomping at the bit to sit around watching CNN all night. Instead, I chose to visit with my family in Wheaton for a couple of hours, furiously search for I Am. . .Sasha Fierce (which I eventually found, more on that later), and retire to bed before the end of the nine o’clock hour. I went to bed peacefully. No anxiety or trepidation of what the following day’s news would bring. For me, I knew change would prevail.

I woke up a few times in the middle of the night (which is not unusual, as I haven’t slept through the night in months). Finally arose to begin my morning toilette at 5:15 am. I wake up to the local KISS station morning show that makes no apologies about being a staunch supporter of Barack Obama. I prepped myself for them telling me the outcome of the election before I could find out myself. Instead I rise to them talking about miracles. After prepping for the day, I sit down at the PC and go to CNN.com. The headline reads: ” ‘Yes we did,’ Obama crowd chants at rally”.

Notgonnalie, I immediately burst into tears. Believing it to be true is one thing, but seeing it actually happen is another. I cried for about 15 minutes, alternating between sobs of “Ohmygoodness!” and “Wowthisisreal”. This is why I didn’t need to be at the rally in Grant Park last night. This is why I didn’t go to any of the election parties thrown by various celebs in the city last night. This is why, instead of accepting my aunt’s invite to stay over, I went home and distanced myself from the politcal world for the rest of the night. I needed this moment for myself, to be by myself and take in the magnitude.

I did not vote for Barack Obama because he is a Black man, but I cannot help being tremendously proud that he won because he is a Black man*. I don’t care how much progress people want to say that we have made in this country in regards to race relations. I never thought I would see a Black man as the POTUS in my lifetime. O-BA-MA. . .BOOM-BAH-YAY! (Throwback to the slogan they we chanting when I first learned of Obama at the Bud Billikin parade back in 04)

Now we wait until January 20, 2009.

*Reading this sentence back, it sounds a bit confusing. I am not saying he won because he is Black. I feel as though it may be misunderstood in that manner.

**Hmmm, I guess this was more than a few words, haha!

Egg on my face.

So this morning while at the gig, I get an Obama text message from a number that I do not readily recognize. My friend J is known for changing numbers regularly, so I think I may be her, but I ask her via myspace and it’s not her. I call my cousin to see if it is a family member or one of our mutual friends. Nope, the number does not ring any bells to her at all. Finally, I text back like “Hey…who is this?” No immediate response so, I go on about my day.

As I’m leaving for lunch (approx. 2pm CST), I pull out my phone and I have eleventy billion text messages. I zero in on the one without a name attached. The reply: “This is [Big], ya buddy”. I jumped up out of my chair and paced the aisle, while muttering “OMG, no it isn’t. OMG.” [Big] = Buddy, whom I’ve spoken about here, here, & here (#3), lol. The whole [Big] thing is a SATC reference that I spoke about here. (Holy linking, Batman!)

Of course I texted back with a lame excuse about having a new phone and his number not being in it, but he clearly knows the truth. I deleted him unceremoniously and until today he was mostly out of my mind. Now? Notsomuch, notgonnalie. What I’ma need him to do is NOT contacting me when I’m feeling all [Granny Klump] vulnerable[/GK].

No title.

I’ve been going back and forth over whether or not to post this. I have been in a semi-well disguised funk for the past week or so. I’ve never had a good self-image. I’ve never thought of myself as pretty, cute, beautiful, attractive, or any of the other synonyms used for aesthetically pleasing people. That’s not to say that I think of myself as carrying an ogre like ugliness either. I am just a’ight. Average. Nothing to write home about, you know?

A few months ago, I posted a picture of myself on my myspace with the caption “I need to get back to this size”. One of my “friends” (myspace’s characterization. I’d merely call her an old classmate/passing acquaintance) just recently commented on this picture. “WOULDN’T HURT YOUNG LADY OR LOOK TO [sic] BAD AT ALL YOU KNOW… I’M JUST SAYING MISSY… I AGREE HEE-HEE.” Hee hee hell. I was incensed by her comment. The “young lady” & “missy” crap irritated the hell out of me. We’re the same age, hon, so it’s very condescending. However, I am known to be dramatic, so I figured I may have been overreacting. I ran it by Dani and she pretty much had the same reaction as me. The person who left this comment was a bigger girl who recently lost a LOT of weight. I would think she would be a bit more sensitive. Nothing was that bad about what she said, but it was the manner in which I interpreted it. Furthermore, it’s not like she is within my inner circle. We don’t even talk on a regular basis. I’d go for one of my friends telling me to back up from the pound cake before someone who is damn near a stranger, you know?

Right now, I am struggling with my weight. I am fat (by my standards) and I absolutely LOATHE it. This is a new challenge for me as I’ve usually been at a comfortable size for me, usually between a size 7/8 and 9/10(I am blessed with a nice sized bum & child bearing hips, so when I was in 5/6 it looked rather odd, lol). I’m now pushing 12s and knocking at 14’s door. Quite frankly it’s killing my self-worth even more. So I’ve started back working out. I fell off the workout wagon for a while and it definitely shows. I’ve got rolls and back fat and be wheezing after going up three flights of stairs! MAMA NO!

Obviously, I realize that getting older definitely aids in these extra lbs that refuse to go away. Metabolism is not what it used to be. Stamina is damn near depleted. I’m vowing to stop this insanity (‘sup Susan Powter) right now. This winter I will make sure that $50/month that Bally’s is getting from me will be worth my while. Gotta stop being so lazy and cook meals. Fast food will be the death of me, I swear it. I need a total makeover. Mind, body, & spirit. Work on the inside and outside simultaneously in order to achieve peace of mind. Get out of this funk and take my life back.

It is not going to be easy though. I keep hearing that voice of doubt in my head telling me that what I am spewing right now is malarkey. I’ll just end up right back where I am now. Fat & unhappy. I have to learn to quash that voice. Surround myself with positive energy. Put out positive vibes so that I may receive them back tenfold. Wish me luck as I go on this journey, coz I’mma damn sure need it!