Release.

Last night I took a huge step. I finally got around to deleting a few people from my phone and myspace. *sigh* I feel so much lighter. Temptation to contact said people and engage in verbal sparring is sure to be at a minimum now. I can only pray now that now that I have decided to let it go entirely, these people will not choose this point in time to want to call me. I have been answering unrecognized numbers lately and I’d hate to get stuck in a conversation that I’d rather not have anytime soon. Anyway, that’s enough crypticness for now, so moving along. . .

Yesterday I twittered something on accident and I decided to just leave it be. No one pays attention to that little app anyway, so it’ll probably go unnoticed is what I thought. I didn’t count on me not being able to let it go though. Last night I sat up for a few hours after finally getting home and tried to remember the last honest-to-goodness happy birthday I’ve had. I couldn’t recall. All of my 20s birthdays have been the pits, as well as the late teens ones. My maternal grandfather died the night before my 11th (or maybe 12th, it’s fuzzy) birthday. I kept flipping back my mental Rolodex until I reached my 8th birthday. That was probably the last time I was genuinely happy on my birthday. It was pure. Nothing tainted it. No one made me feel worthless or insignificant (like on previous birthdays, but this is not that time nor place to go into that story). Not one solitary bad thing happened on that day. I wish I could have another birthday like that really soon.

Last night I just had a really rough night. I couldn’t sleep properly. I was feeling birthday blues and just all around crabby. You know how your birthday is supposed to feel like a special day? I felt none of that. I just felt like it was yet another day that I just had to get through. This morning I woke up feeling equally awful and didn’t want to really go to work, but I went anyway. So didn’t help my foul mood. In fact, made it even worse. At some point in the day I remembered that Cheryl sent me an e-card that I hadn’t been able to view because I was checking my email via my phone all weekend. I had to be all secret squirrelesque to try and view it, lest a higher up comes by my desk and see me on a non-DeVry approved website during working hours.

Don’t worry, I’m getting to the point. You know how I like my buildup. Anyway, so I saw the card, but I didn’t see the card. So just now, while still feeling pretty shitty, I decided to go look at the card again. I was laughing in the beginning because it was SUPER CUTE, but by the end I was bawling. Full disclosure, I’m still crying a bit right now. (Since my father’s gf is here I’ve been trying not to bother him, so you have no idea how hard it is for me to type this while trying to stay silently crying.) So at the end of the skit that played out the card said:

I hope you get everything you need.

So simple, yet powerful. No offense to others who have offered birthday wishes and such, but I felt like a lot of them were hollow. An echoing of expected jargon. Not genuine. An afterthought, in most cases. That simple sentence made me feel like someone actually cares.

So thank you friend. . .I hope I get what I need as well.

She speaks.

Stream of consciouness. Babbling. Long. Filled with grammatical errors. Copy/pasted from myspace.

I pray. People think I’m joking when I say that I’m putting someone on my prayer list, but I mean it seriously. I don’t go in with the “oh father king of all kings, lord of all lords, alpha and omega, the beginning and the ending. . .” sort of prayer, but I have conversations with God. I ask him to look after so and so or bring peace/ happiness for such and such. My prayers are always for others. I never ask for anything for my self. Unless I’m on one of my infamous crying jags and I’m screaming for Him to make it stop. I see the people around me and they’re going through some tough times mentally, physically, emotionally. I hate to see people that I love feeling bad in any sort of way, so I ask that He comes into their lives and provide avenues for them to fix the disconnect and find whatever it is that they are seeking.

In thinking of my prayers I’m reminded of something I heard Soledad O’Brien (one of my sheroes and an all around bad beeeeeetch) say. She said, “God doesn’t just give you what you are asking for when you pray for something, but rather He provides you with the means to get whatever you are seeking.” After hearing this, I adjusted the ways in which I’d ask Him to help my family and friends. Instead of saying, “Bring so and so a financial windfall”, I’d ask for Him to provide her with a means for getting through these tough times financially.

I don’t pray for myself. It seems selfish in some sort of weird twisted way.I just hope someone else is out there praying for me though because boy do I need it, lol.
***
So I almost cried at the wedding last night. Like full on bawling, ugly, snot-faced cry. It was the first time that I saw pure evidence of the love shared between the couple. I can now say this with complete genuiness.I am truly happy for them. It’s rare nowadays to see two people so much in love. It seems like our generation is quick to claim love without knowing what it really is. As they spoke those vows (which were ttly lame-o but that was more the pastor’s fault than theirs), I finally got it. It made sense and became real. I’m through talking shit about them. I wish them nothing but happiness and peace in their marriage.

More and more lately, I’ve been longing for that same sort of thing. To meet someone and just know instantaneously that he is The One. I used to think that this one dude that I was involved with could be The One, but I know this much is NOT true anymore. I just. . .he. . .no. So I’m sending my signal out through the universe so My One can catch up to it and see “I’m ready now. . .come get meeeee” (‘sup KC. Sorry for illegally downloading demos, but that song is HOT).

But then I wonder, am I really ready to be completely wifed up? Notsomuch. Gilfriended up? Yes, that’s where I am with it. There’s no immediacy to get married, but I’d like to at least meet the dude with whom I’m supposed to walk off in the fog (‘sup Brown Sugar & Casablanca).I keep hoping that he’s not some figment of my imagination and that he’s coming along, but I simply need to stop looking for him in the dudes that I am coming into contact with in the interim. I shouldn’t have to look for him, I should just know who he is when I meet him.

What’s funny is that I’m famous for telling people to not seek out love. It will find you when it finds you. I lived by this philosophy for so damned long that I’m starting to think it’s a crock of bullshit because while it has found me twice, neither of those young men were him. I’m growing impatient of waiting it out and hoping he’ll arrive. I feel the anticipation of payday when you’ve just exhausted all of your financial opportunities when thinking about falling completely, head over heels, stupidly in love. I’m chomping at the bit, holding out for that whole “Someday my prince will come” ideology to be fulfilled. I’m starting to think I shouldn’t hold my breath waiting unless I want to pass de fok out, lol. *sigh* Who knows, maybe this is just a bit of pessimism seeping in. . .

At any rate, this is long enough now and I should just end it here even though I have a lot more to say. There’s laundry to be done. TTFN.