bullshittery.

prepare for a full on stream of consciousness, rambling post full of random thoughts and anecdotes.

the following conversation (paraphrased) happened at approximately 4:30pm CST on Sunday July 20, 2008.

veep: i’m glad that i was not born in a third world country
me: [puzzled look]
veep: i mean really, all they have is like dirty water and rice. they don’t even know what cake tastes like.
me: [slowly transforms from puzzled look to amused look]
veep: i’m glad that i was born in america and i know what cake tastes like!
me: [waits a beat. . .laughs uproariously]
veep: seriously, can you imagine if you didn’t know what cake tasted like?
me: [laughing entirely too hard now] you know i’m so putting this on my blog, right?

i do not know how we got onto this subject. we were at a baby shower that gave us some of the most magnificent cake i’ve eaten in a while; but i dunno how my friend got to 3rd world countries who didn’t know what cake tasted like. i am, however, very glad that she went there because it’s become the running joke of the week. all i have to do is think of cake and i immediately burst into giggles.

***

the veep has been providing me with all sorts of laughs this week. this guy that she is talking to, codename: sparks, is a promoter/wannabe entertainer. he wrote this poem and wanted her feedback on it. thusly, she sent it on and let me read. let me say that it was some of the most interesting poetry i’ve read in a while. it wasn’t bad. . .just not good. it made me realize why i never share my writing with people because if someone ripped on me like i did this guy. . .my feelings would be so hurt. i do, however, have a grip on commandeering the English language soooo. . .i might not be so bad after all.

still though i am hesitant to call myself a writer anymore. i used to wear the title with such pride. throwing it around as much as possible. i’m not a writer though. how can you proclaim to be something that you do not actively pursue? i cannot tell you the last time i’d written anything that wasn’t work related and/or this blog. i get ideas every once in a while, but that spark fizzles faster than freshly popped champagne (mmmmchampagne! reminds me of brunch with the ladies on sunday for my homie cheryl’s birtday!). i’m working on getting my head back in the game though.

***

speaking of. . .i’ve been out of sorts for the past few weeks. feeling some kinda way about myself. i dunno if anyone actually paid attention, but a bit ago i made a post about this dude i was feeling heavily. notice the past tense in that previous sentence. not so sure i’m really feeling him & i together on some real shit or the idea of him & i together. if that makes sense? plus he frustrates me beyond belief 75% of the time. would i really want to put up with the bullshit? me dun tink so!

on the other hand, i do believe that i am fully ready to be wifed up. well not literally, i guess the better term would be girlfriended up, lol. it’s just so hard for me to meet some dude who’s real and not into playing games. anybody out there know any great guys? i’ll even take a hook up at this point. he doesnt even have to meet my rigorous list of standards inspired of rw boston kameelah, haha! i’m straightforward with my dealings with guys and i expect them to be the same. leave the bullshit at the door, nah mean?

***

speaking of bullshit, i’ve once again retired Buddy’s jersey. it’s weird because i kinda liked him for a second. was a couple steps away from being on some keyshia cole “i’m diggin everything you appear to be and i’m wondering if we could be real good good friends” type ish. (shut up meera!) but then practicality reared its head and i realized that i could never do anything beyond “the grownup” with that dude. trying to build a relationship would be beyond weird. for reasons i cannot and will not go into right now.

coincidentally, i had a dream about him last night. it was the most random thing ever. i was trying to call ally, but instead called him. how? i dunno because their names are nowhere near each other in my phone. (ironically, he and that dude’s numbers are back to back. well were before i changed their names in my phone.) long story short, we ended up having it out on the phone and i think my exact final words to him were “fuck you and your wack ass dick! i don’t need this shit! lose my number please!” lyrics from “chivas” were also quoted in the course of the conversation. latent aggression coming through in the dream. also, i’ve been scared shitless to call ally because i think it may come true (i’ve had eerily similar things happen before). so sad because i need to talk to my pally!

ok well i’m off to find my cellphone. i haven’t seen it in a few hours and i know ni probably called me back. i hope i didn’t throw it in the dumpster. d’oh!

eighty.

i didn’t have a real title for this post, but as i logged into blogger i noticed that the last post was the 79th, thus this title was born. but i digress. . .

so today i took a personal day from work. i was tired of the bullshit of not doing anything all day so i decided to just say screw it and not go in. plus i had a rather rough Sunday and Monday, so i wasn’t too much feeling like dealing with people. i’m still having a rough Tuesday, but it was better than the Sunday/Monday combo. . . but i am digressing again now.

so i was doing a survey one day last week and was asked a question of whether or not i refrain from speaking my mind as often as i want. i was forced to revisit this question today because i clearly had too much time to think with my day off and all. as of late, i have TOTALLY been doing that. i cannot remember the last time i was brutally honest with someone. i don’t know if it’s a crisis of conscience (most likely not) or just a complete sense of apathy toward a vast majority of things people say to me these days (ding ding ding!!!). the fact is i’ve been holding back something ridiculous and it’s starting to take a toll.

i will not, however, explode upon the next person that asks for my honest opinion. i’ll probably unload on some unsuspecting asshole who says one inane comment that will invariably set me off on a tangent. i’m hoping to temper my anger and not go all the way there though. to be perfectly honest, i am a bitch in every sense of the word that does not have to do with being an actual female dog. i can be cruel, heartless, insensitive, and not bat an eyelash. i have a mean streak in me that runs so deep that i sometimes scare myself. i jokingly say that no one wants to be on my bad side and if anyone of you who read this was ever on the receiving end of what it truly meant to be on my bad side, you’d agree wholeheartedly.

i’m working on it though. through prayer and meditation. totally not joking here. i am so serious. i have to talk myself down from really obliterating folks with my words. that old sticks and stones adage? if i were the one slinging the words, i think you’re prefer the slinging of sticks and stones. i’m just saying. but yes, i’m working on it.

one day at a time. . .

Saving this for posterity.

Yesterday, The Veep and I were having a heart to heart via email. I’m putting this email that I sent to her here to remind me to keep striving to have this attitude.

Believe me when I say that I completely understand you when it comes to letting go and just blindly trusting someone to not completely maul your heart. That ish is hard. I know personally I look at my parents’ marriage and I think I don’t want that. I don’t want to be with someone, think I love them oh so much and it’s forever, and then have it fall apart like that. Then when you put kids in that situation it becomes even more F.U.B.A.R. (google it if you dunno what it means. It’s awesome! lol). Not to mention the resounding effects it has on the children. I often think that my thoughts on relationships and love would be completely different if I grew up in an environment where both of those were long lasting and less dramaful.

We need to fight that feeling though. Find someone who is worth taking the leap for and just free fall. If we hit the ground and get bruised, take it as a lesson learned, don’t become bitter and scorned. Believe in the sanctity of marriage. Bask in the positivity of true love. Live in the moment and just be. Light. Easy. Free. Loving fully without looking over our shoulder for something bad to happen or waiting for the other show to drop. Trusting another damaged (coz we all are) human being to hold the most fragile part of you in his grasp and not kill it. It’s so easy to say all of these things, but living them is another story. Every time I try to let go, my grip gets fiercer. I keep holding out, hoping & praying that I will meet the man who not only will try to pry my grip away from that hold, but will make me want to release it with no second thoughts. It’s the romantic in me. Sue me. LOL