a promise to be real.

i’ve been holding back a lot on this blog. i. . .i dunno, i just have not been feeling like sharing every. single. detail. of my life these days. or my true thoughts and feelings about situations that i’ve been going through. but the buck stops here today, so to speak. fuck it. this is my space. why shouldn’t i share everything? so this may be long. it will be rambley. but it will be honest. cut and dry (mostly). dramatic. perhaps even thought provoking. if you can’t handle me uncensored, then just leave and never return again. the poodles don’t want your oy. for everyone else, read on. . .

so yesterday i did a very bad thing, imo. let me rewind back to the beginning.

i’ve been abstaining from sex for the past 14 months on purpose. i felt the need to add that little caveat because although i complained my way through most of it, i really did pass on some opportunities in that time. mainly because i was trying to figure out some things that were going on within me. the exclusion of sex made the problems a bit more clear to see. it, in fact, somewhat maginified them. i was forced to look beyond and see a) what i really want out of life and 2) who i really want in life. i dug deep. came to epiphanies. then regressed. i didn’t want to come to terms with the real, so i just denied them. pretty much told myself i was only feeling like x because of y. cooking up rationalizations that made no damned sense.

so after cutting off a few people (read: dudes) in my life, i was doing all right. then, like i said the other day, i reconnected with one of the cast offs. a moment of weakness honestly and truly. i was having feelings of ambivalence about reconnecting, but then my libido overrode all rational thought and i did it anyway. right after i started back talking to this dude, i was like “do i really want to just be screwing someone? or do i want to be looking for someone with relationship potential?” as much as i want to be doing the second thought, i can’t help but go with the first one always. so what i do? jump right back into our little situation. flirt a little. send dirty texts. make plans to “hang out” when we know that’s just the polite way of saying when i call (or vice versa) it’s just about sex. nothing more, nothing less. i had to really stop and ask myself, is this fulfilling me right now? am i really just looking for someone to blow my back out and all will be right with the world? then of course, i tell myself, “well it’s not like you have anyone with potential to become your man in your life right now. why don’t you just gon ahead and get a piece of dude when you can and you’ll be good.”

i’m digressing though. so yes, i did a bad thing yesterday. i had sex with him. i shouldn’t say bad. because i mean the actual act was anything but. *reminsces like it wasn’t just yesterday* but the repercussions are bad. now i’m going to be insatiable. problem is i don’t want to come off like i’m hawking him. don’t want him for anything more than that. he’s going through some rough, personal things right now and i know i can’t bug him like i am going to want to. so i’m falling back. letting him call the shots and contact me when he’s ready to do whatever.

but then this makes me feel like a jump off. and a whore.because every time i hear “would you mind” (thanks janet!), i know it’s him, calling for it. this shouldn’t make me feel like a whore because i set the guidelines for our relationship, adamantly stressing that it’s nothing more than sex. we talk, but not deeply. he knows things, i know things, but the things we know about each other best, require no words. but i also have a complex about having sex for the sake of sex. which is oddly disturbing because of my views on sex in general. it’s also deeply rooted in. . .well i don’t have time to get into all of that right now. let’s just say that i just have conflicting emotions about it and leave it at that.

so here i am now. berating myself for sliding backwards (and forwards and backwards again! so nasty! :P) into this thing once again. i ended it before because i wanted more. not from him because well, he’s a nice guy, good dude, but not what i would want in a boyfriend/fiance/husband for myself. it is what it is between us and it works. for now. but not really because i’ll always be wanting more. such a paradox.

if i’m being honest with myself and you guys the fact of the matter is this. there is someone i want. in that way. more than sex. more than a friend. to be my man. forever and ever, amen. but! it cannot happen. reluctance on my part. indifference on his part. eternal power struggle betwixt us. i don’t want to give too much. he refuses to give at all. hell sometimes i wonder if he even cares. while he tries to convince me, in his roundabout way, that he does. i’m so unsure about the whole thing and I HATE THAT! i’m also sick of it. but i can’t get off the damn rollercoaster.

ugh. sometimes i hate myself for my indecisiveness. bottom line, i’m gonna continue to have guilt ridden sex with this dude for however long i decide i want this to go on. i’ll hate myself for it while simultaneously enjoying the hell out of myself. hmph, and i thought i’d know what it is i wanted by 26. nope. still searching. ever evolving.

work. in. progress. . .