Randomsity before brunch with the ladies. . .

Myself and mi amigas cheetahs (Cheryl and Trina) are doing Drury Lane today. I’m so excited. And also, fat, lol. Annnnnyway, that’s not why I logged in right quick, though.

Last night I went with Trina to B***** & F****’s place for F****’s birthday party. There were a few people there from their job as well as the birthday guy’s other friends. Well one of the dudes they worked with brought his brother along for the ride as well. HE WOULD NOT STOP TALKING TO ME! I was getting fairly annoyed because he sat his ass right in front of me while I’m tryna watching the Jazz/Rockets game. “You’re not watching this game. Girls don’t like basketball.” Actually, I do dipshit. I happen to LOVE basketball. Then he proceeded to quiz me like I really don’t know shit about ball. Joey woulda been proud of me, lol. The highlight og the night was this exchange though:

Him: So you’ll give me your number?
Me: I’ll think about it.
Him: What you gotta think about? A woman knows when she meets a man right off top whether or not she’s interested.
Me: (in my head Duh muthafuka, don’t you get the hint? I’m tryna be nice by saying I’ll think about it!) I’m not like most women. Like I said I’ll think about it.
Him: Well don’t think about it too hard. I’m not used to this shit.
Me: What? I’m supposed to jump at the chance to throw you my number. No. We don’t do that here.
Him: You picky ain’t you?
Me: Extremely so.
(moments pass. watching the game.)
Him: You know I was just playin’, right? Man, I’m 30 years old. (Guess he thought I was young bc I said I graduated college in 2006). I got a girl a home with a baby on the way. And I got a baby at home.
Me: Oh that’s what’s up. When’s your girl due? (I don’t think he was expecting that question.)
Him: Yeah, you know I was just tryna see where your head is at. You’re a beautiful Black sista and I wanted to see where your head was at.
Me: Mmmmmhmmm. Thank you. How old is your baby?
Him: You got your shit together, huh? *turns back to watch the game*

You peep that shit? You see how this n-word (I’m tryna but down on my usage of that word) flipped script to save face? Ridiculous. Not to mention, clammed the hell up when I asked about that baby or should I say those babies! And I’m not even going to go into how this mofu tried to convince me that I’ve dated white guys because I live in Bensenville (false. Only drunkenly made out with one, lmao) and how he spilled beer on B.Fo’s rug and got blasted by her. LOL!

This shit right here? It’s why I’m single with no prospects. Because every time I meet some guy randomly, this happens. If you’ll notice, every guy I’ve ever hooked up with regularly or dated has been a friend of mine first. I don’t do well with just meeting guys who I actually click with and immediately getting romantical, lol. I have to build. I’m sensing a problem. *sigh*

Perfect career alternatives for me. . .

Truck Driver: This one may make you shake your heads, like wtf is she on? It’s in my blood, son! My maternal grandfather was a truck driver and I love driving. Just ask anyone who knows me. I enjoy taking road trips very much. Heck, on my drive back from California I did the lion’s share of the driving and was grooving right along. The only potential downfall to this job is that I can see myself getting bored about 6 hours or so and stopping. Then my trips would always be late and they’d probably fire me. Another downside is that I’m sort of (read: VERY) afraid of semis.

Book Reviewer: I love to read. I love to give my opinion on things. So combining two things I love to give my opinion on things I read is like Nirvana (not the grunge band) to me. Undoubtedly, I’d have some authors who would want to put a hit on me. Namely those who write what is lovingly referred to as Nigglature. You know those books that are like those traveling Gospel plays that star at least one washed up 80s one hit wonder and random TV stars from the 70s and 80s. “Mama Done Spilt the Chicken Grease” or “Baby’s Daddy Other Baby Mama Drama”. Hot mess all around. Actually, I probably wouldn’t be able to get through a reading of any of those books. The covers even offend me.

Travel Agent: I like traveling. A theme is emerging here. These dream jobs actually involve me doing something I like, image that! Anyway, as I said I like traveling. I could so see myself planning vacations for others. I’d be a hit in the tourism community finding off the beaten path type vacation settings for people. I know there have to be others like me out there who are not into the touristy side of travel. I could so hook them up!

Tech Support Rep: Hell, half of my family already thinks this is what I am. If I get another call asking me to troubleshoot a problem on a computer I might scream. BUT! It’s true, I do like working with computers. Thanks to my dad I know a little somethin’ somethin’ bout them.  Plus, I like helping people. This job could never become a reality though because all of the tech support jobs are outsourced. Don’t even get me started on that one though, that’s another blog for another day. *Michael from HP with the HEAVY Bengali accent I’m looking at you*

Editor: Let me preface this by saying that I am not one of those annoying people who feels the need to take out her red pen and bludgeon everyone to death with corrections. I do, however, cringe and silently correct lol. I don’t claim to be the end all, be all, go-to person for grammar. I write run on sentences and have comma splices like whoa. I totally could, however, read someone else’s writing and help with clarity, typos, and grammar issues. I’m good at that. When it’s not my writing! D’oh!

Children’s Book Author: Of course I would have to stop dropping f-bombs here, there, and everywhere and I think I’d excel at being a children’s book writer. I’ve got a built-in focus group with the thousands of children in my family. I am on the pulse of what the young folks these days are interested in. It’s formulaic drivel that has a hook. I could do this in my sleep. I mean, my writing is juvenile enough to connect with the youth of today, yes? 🙂

Professional Blogger: If Perez Hilton can make $20M a year drawing jizz & coke on people’s faces, surely I could succeed, yes?

Sommelier: aka Wine connoisseur. I like wine. Wine likes me. I don’t know how to tell if it has legs or any of the other technical jargon that the other connoisseurs do, but I’ve seen Sideways enough times to fake it! Granted, I am possibly rethinking this one because they do not get to enjoy the wine. I’m not into swishing and spitting with my ‘hol.

There are more, but time only permits me to give you these few. Now I am off to be productive and do some of this work that they are paying me for! 🙂

“This here celibacy thaaaannnnnggggg. . .”

Word up to Jill Scott for the inspiration for the post title. If I had not misplaced my Words and Sounds Vol.3: The Real Thing, I would most certainly be playing the hell out of Jill’s “Celibacy Blues”. Baby, have I got them! HAHA! I think my friends are going totally start boycotting phone calls and text messages and emails from me if I don’t stop talking about it.

The simple fact is this. I (stupidly) pledged myself to celibacy pending the acquisition of a boyfriend. I love how I refer to it as if it is a business transaction, haha! I then promptly decided to go underground, off the social map, therefore decreasing my chances of meeting said boyfriend. Yeah, I’m some kinda smart, aren’t I? I basically set myself up for failure, ya dig?

As of Sunday it was exactly 12 months. Amazing that I had no idea that it would be the last seks EVAR, but I remember the date. Mainly because it is someone I know’s birthday, lol. Not the person with whom I had seks, but someone else. Oddly enough his birthday is on Valendooms Day. I digress, as usual. Anyway, so the other day I was talking with a guy friend and I asked him what’s the longest he’s gone without. He said 7 months. I was all, “That’s nothing!” Knowing fully well that when it was around 7 months for me, I felt like I was dying, lol.

This is the problem with me. Whenever I get something good, I need it all the time. I will wear out a song, restaurant, and anything else that I deem to be the best evar (at that point in time). It takes a lot for me to tire of it, if it’s that good. And it was. Actually, probably even better since I can only seem to recall the last time which was sub par.

Point is, I have an addictive personality. This is why I don’t toke and have to really control myself when it comes to drinking. I come from a family of addicts. I don’t care what anyone says, some of that is biological. Especially when you look at the statistics of my family, which I will not run down right now. I’ll just say that on both sides there were too many people with addiction problems that spanned generations. I don’t want to end up a statistic.

This is my dilemma though. Do I continue on this self-imposed celibacy world tour or not? I really meant it when I said that I didn’t want to be screwing dudes all willy nilly, but a girl has needs as well. I’m so torn like LeToya Luckett. In the end, I’m sure you’ll hear more about my issue. I don’t think it’d be within me to just do it for the sake of doing it.

Something that pissed me off. . .

Yes, it’s a real post. I know there hasn’t been many of those in the past few days. I’ve been meaning to sit down and actually write something of substance, but I just can’t lately. Yesterday though, I had a conversation that pissed me off so much that I’m still thinking about it today. This person said two things that really irked the hell out of me.

The first was “People who don’t have anyone [romantically] should not give advice to those who do.” First off, that doesn’t make any kid of sense to me. So you’re insinuating that because I’m single right now I have no way of knowing anything about relationships at all and if asked, I should not offer my opinion based on my own experience? Oh shut the fuck up. I’m not the type of person to intentionally throw shade or “hate” on a person because he/she is in a relationship. Nor am I the type of person who believes that every relationship is the same. BUT, if I can offer perspective based on something I have experienced and I believe that it will help the person who sought me out for advice, then you’d best believe that I will throw my $.02 in. Don’t fucking tell me that I don’t have the right to say anything just because I’m not fucking someone on a consistent basis at this current moment in time. How stupid do you sound?

The second thing she said was that “Women are too busy trying to be men and that’s why so many are single.” Again, fuck off you. I’m not a hardcore feminist, but women who think like this piss me the fuck off. First of all, wtf is “acting like a man”? Is it like “acting Black”? I’m sorry (actually NO I AM NOT), but if being able to take care of oneself and having no problem expressing that makes me “act like a man”, then so be it. I’m just missing the ability to pee standing up. *rolls eyes*

I fought against myself so many times to keep from saying “Are you fucking stupid or are you just saying these things to rile me?” I’m going with the former.